Feeling Worse Every Day

I'm sitting in the waiting room right now and I am so anxious. I want to cry or throw up or something. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in check so we can accomplish something today. I'm hoping I get in a little early and out early, though, so I can go pick up any meds before work. Otherwise I might have to send my bf this afternoon and I just don't want to have to bother him about it. I'd rather get it done myself.

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how did it go?

I hadn't had time until now to update, but things went well this morning. I was so nervous, and I did not expect the little test he gave me to check my cognition and memory. He said I hit enough criteria for depression and anxiety. That's nothing really new, I think I hit nearly all the criteria for both, depression at least. But I left with what I wanted, mostly. Wellbutrin XL, Klonopin, and Ambien. I'm not sure about the Wellbutrin, I took that for a while back in high school and wasn't a fan of how it made me feel. But it will aleviate the depression, so it's worth starting with. I have a follow up in 2 months.

im taking only wellbutrin right now... taking the SR 150mg 2x a day.. used to take XL 300... i like it better than the others because seems to have less side effects for me...
but i've never had any luck with monotherapy... been taking it for 2 months now i think still no affect but its all my GP will give me... wish she would give me my klonopin back, klonopin should help your anxiety much <3 klonopin/valium

so glad you had a good appointment and hope the wellbutrin helps the depression

I took wellbutrin for only a few months, and it was maybe 12 years ago, but I just remember feeling numb on it. No depression though, so it's a good place to start.

I hope the klonopin helps. I've never taken anything for anxiety before, so it'll be a new experience. I already feel such relief just having the pills. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to sleep alone without barring my door!

I have been feeling a real sense of relief all day since my appointment. It feels so good just to have these meds in my possession, even if I haven't started taking them yet. I have hope again, that things will start to improve.

i definitely know that feeling - its the hope that the medication will has a positive effect
go with the flow and try to hold onto that hope and relief!!

if you never had any benzo before maybe be prepared for it to make you feel a little strange, they are great though in my opinion... they work when you take then rather than having to take them for a month or so to start having an effect !

klonopin probably 15-30 minute onset and should last atleast a few hours... since you dont have a tolerance it might last all day... not sure what dose you are on but probably .25/.5 mg? some people get a little tired from it but for me they just help me relax - when i first tried them i was amazed - dont think you have anything to worry about or be nervous about with them though ! i know i was a bit nervous when i first tried them because i didnt know what to expect besides that it was supposed to help pretty quickly

alot of people praise xanax but in my opinion it doesnt last long enough...
i hope you really like it and that it really helps you relax, you deserve it

very happy for you

I'm on .5mg twice a day. Work has been so crazy today, I didn't even bother taking one this morning, but I will tonight. I wish I didn't have an appointment in the morning, the klonpin plus the ambien will hopefully give me a good sleep!

Thanks for all your support lately I'm happy for me today too, and I'm going to hold onto this hope for as long as I can!

It was great to hear that everything went so well today with the Pdoc!

Wow, you were right about the klonopin! Tonight I feel good! And tomorrow night I get to spend time with my family again, and I'm so excited!

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they are awesome "k-pins"

Yesterday was rough. The morning was nice, bf had the day off so we got up together and went to breakfast before I had a dr appointment with my rheumatologist. The appointment went well, and I was sent to the lab for some blood tests. They actually went well, maybe it was the klonopin before I went. Well, the clinic called me when I was halfway home, that the dr didn't call down all the tests he wanted me to do, and could I come back for more?

I was frustrated. I have a phobia of needles, and it's taken a long time to get ok even with the weekly injections I have to give myself. I've had blood tests at the clinic for 6 months now, and I can't look, can't think about the experience of the tech drawing it. Otherwise I panic.

Well, we were going to dinner at my brother's anyway, so we stopped at the clinic on the way. The tech I got was snippy, didn't seem to have much compassion. I told her that the tech in the morning had trouble finding a vein in my right arm, so she decided to go in my left. I asked if she would consider my hands, the veins in the back are so big and close to the surface, and for some reason it doesn't freak me out as much. I can have up to 3 vials taken from there. But she snapped that they needed "a bunch", so I dropped it. Thankfully. So she pokes around my left arm for a long time. Then she stops and looks at me, and said "I don't like it". Well, good for you. There must be something else she could do, right? No, she just stabbed the needle in and dug around. I cried. I couldn't help it, it hurt so much and I started panicking. She kept trying to be soothing, but came across as insulting. I felt at one point like the blood tests were my choice, like it's my fault I have arthritis. I barely said anything the rest of the time I was there, and hauled *** out to the parking lot after. I cried there too, with my bf holding me.

I was able to calm down some later, at my brother's house. We all got together to eat and see pics from him and his fiancée's trip to Disney a couple weeks ago. I just was left pretty shaken all night after the experience at the clinic.

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Oh, and by the way, the "bunch" of blood she had to take last night? 3 vials. Still grateful I didn't insist on using my hand, she might very torn the vein open!

Bf was convinced yesterday that someone lost or contaminated the blood the took in the morning.

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I think I got my expectations up too high, and I keep forgetting about the klonopin. I haven't accepted yet that 4-6 weeks <i>is </i> a long time, and I expected to feel better now. And I need to remember situations that freak me out, like going shopping. I need to time my pills to when I do things like that. I went to the grocery store today without anything and had several panic attacks. I was completely helpless, my bf had to make all my decisions. I started to calm down on the drive home, so I thought I'd be ok just smoking. But not long after I was crying.

Tomorrow will be interesting. We are going to an arcade/restaurant for bf's bday. It's in Chicago, and I hat the traffic out there. I won't be driving, and I have already decided I am ok with taking extra klonopins. I will need the when we get to the city, and maybe at the arcade. Depends on how busy they are, but I feel a Tuesday afternoon will be pretty dead.

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I want to hurt myself. It's counter to everything I've been feeling the last couple of days, but the desire is there. I want it to be big, some kind of statement or something. I don't know, I can't figure out what's behind it. The urge us just there.

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i know how it is, i think they have a name for it when you feel that imediate relief, i cant think of it now though...
it usually happens the way it did with you and couple days goes by and you realize that its still not there yet?
but pleasee be patient
becareful with the klonopin because it can help the anxiety but might make you feel more depressed when it wears offf...?

is the urge frustration?
i know how frustrating it is.. just wanna blow something up (not ourselves hopefully!)

also the other "depressants" like alcohol can feel good at the time when you're doing it but then next day or so you just feel bad again ( maybe worse? ) so gotta try to limit all of those things that can contribute to any kind of depressed emotions ?

depression is so horrible!
i wish that these medicines didn't have to take so long to start working

i read somewhere that the medicines actually increase the chemicals the first few days you start taking them but it takes the 6-10 weeks for it to start noticing it? or something.. not sure i cant really remember right now...
so its like, why the heck cant it just work the first day?

i would say there are some things that you could do to try to aleviate the depression while you are waiting for the ADs to kick in but i worry that any substances could interfere...

is there anything i can do to make you feel better?
want you to be safe

I'm pretty sure you're right, they start working immediately. But the changes antidepressants make are just so miniscule that it takes time to notice. It's been a while since I took a biology - based class, but that sounds right.

I feel safe enough for now. My apartment is too small to do anything with my bf here, and I don't even know where I would do anything. I'm just trying to be as aware of it as possible, because I was watching our for something like this to happen. I know it's common. The klonopins seem to help me stay really objective about my feelings.

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yeh, i've never really taken any classes im interested in weird stuff and research randomly - i try to stimulate my mind as much as i can to keep me distracted and grounded.. sucks my memory isn't better, i would be like an encyclopedia

i had an idea last night... but i dont have any to test it... i was wondering if one of those icy hot patches thingies would help subside urges?
something that can give a sensation..? not sure if that would make it worse or better though.. i would test it if i had one but unfortunately..

i hate them urges :/

That's an interesting theory. I wish I had one so I could try it!

I took a physiological psych class during my undergrad. We learned how different meds affect the brain. It was hard, but super interesting .

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I feel like a mess this morning. BF didn't have to go to work on time today, so he stayed until I left. As we were getting ready he said that it just hit him that he really hates his job. He's been texting me from work about the same thing. He just can't stand it there, but he doesn't know what to do. I was the most worried when he texted me that he just wanted to go home right then and ignore his phone if anyone from work tried to contact him. He told me that he won't do anything before we talk, but it's like crisis again. As soon as I saw that look on his face this morning I started falling apart. I'm so scared, and I'm so worried about him, and I don't know what to do. For me or him. I just feel so petrified lately. I don't know what to do about anything. I just want to feel better.

so sorry you are struggling so much... and your bf as well.. to be stuck in a job you hate sucks... is there anyway you can console him so he can survive the job for a litle while - while he looks elsewhere for work? does he really hate his job or do you think maybe he's having some depression too thats making hm feel like that?

its been like.. 6 days since you got the meds?
still need to buy time.. it sucks so bad i know... ive been taking the wellbutrin SR since sometime in january and its really not doing anything... but all of the antidepressants i have tried haven't really done anything for my depression.. dont know why...
i used to think it was because of my past drug use - maybe i messed my brain up.. or maybe the wellbutrin is trying to help the ADHD and not the depression... but even then, the celexa, zoloft, cymbalta didnt help either... and i was taking zoloft with the wellbutrin, then switched from zoloft to cymbalta with the wellbutrin...

can try combining ssri/snri with the wellbutrin if you dont have negative effects from wellbutrin and dont see improvement... but honestly i just dont like ADs...

of course it takes time for the "effect" to start.. but dont let my case make you think that wellbutrin wont help you because its still early for you and you just need to try to get through a couple more weeks - and if it doesnt start helping you have the follow up soon and can hopefully add something (if thats what you want to do..)

im not a huge fan of antipsychotics but they can help... for me they worked better than the ADs... but i was on ADs and APs..
just avoid the zyprexa it may be really good for some people, it may even help you really really good, but i went from 130lbs to 190... now im 170... (im 5'10) but thats just because i lost 5lbs last month from not eating a few days... also i read that if you smoke tobacco the nicotine mitigates some of the zyprexa drug absorption...

i didnt have any weight issues on seroquel... it just makes you sleep when you take it...
i think the seroquel helped though... i've heard alot about abilify and interested in trying it but im just worried about that movement disorder thing...

i was interested in latuda because it claims to be pro-cognitive...

i was on cymbalta, wellbutrin, trazodone, zyprexa, seroquel, depakote, couple others i cant remember atm... when they put me on the trilafon... i really couldnt tell any difference... i think i had so many drugs in my body that it didnt matter what they gave me... but maybe you could look into the trilafon too..
the only ones i had bad effects with was the lithium, depakote, zyprexa... by the time i was on all them meds i had been on the seroquel (600mg) for like a year so i was having insomnia again... they were trying to knock me out so i could sleep but when i did sleep i had nightmares so i guess thats why they gave me trilafon...

i dont know much about any other meds... but what i do is i just research them, look lists of medications up and check them out... look up stories from others.. see what it helped them with and stuff... it helps pass time and you are educating yourself on some things that might be able to help you... just dont obsess on it like i do

hang in there...

edit:
by the way... have you had your thyroid levels tested lately?
could be an thyroid hormone imbalance causing some of these symptoms..?

I'm hoping part of his work problem right now is a short-term thing. He's always hated this job, and I don't blame him because his boss is a total jerk. I don't remember if I posted about this, but bf burned his hand and arm at work last week, and today was his first real day back. I'm hoping that this is similar to past "fits" about hating work, and eventually it will pass. I've just been so unable to function lately, all I can do is panic over it.

It has been 6 days. I know it will take more time for the wellbutrin. I think everything has decided to work against me in terms of side effects, though. I've been nauseous for days, can't even eat sometimes. But wellbutrin took away my depression in the past, so I'm hoping it will help still now. I haven't done a lot of research on meds, because I was pretty against them until recently. But it would be a good idea, and maybe I'll come up with some ideas to pitch at my follow up appointment.

I've been having bad panic attacks when I'm not on the klonpin though. It's kind of scary. I mentioned it to t this morning, but she didn't really say much other than asking me to try and notice the triggers for panic attacks before they get so bad I can't think. I just feel so alone, like I have no one who understands any of this.

i really hope the wellbutrin will kick in and help like it did in the past too
its my favorite antidepressant because doesnt have those sexual side effects

did the wellbutrin make you nauseous last time?
i never took any sleep meds like ambien so i dont know much about them..
klonopin never made me nauseous it actually helped with it a little because my anxiety will get so bad i will feel dizzy and nauseous

they gave me a nausea drug for a little while though i cant remember what it was called... but she said it was the same one they use for cancer patients, it helped a bit..

need to try to eat a little bit even if you really feel like you cant... i know how it is because i sometimes go a few days without eating myself.. but its good to try to just take a bite of a saltine cracker or something like that.. can make us feel worse when we dont eat but sometimes feel so bad just cant!! its a spiral of doom

i think the wellbutrin can decrease the appetite a little... but depression can too so its like, cant tell which is which?

for me i rarely have an appetite anyway, i dont like eating :/
so i can't ever tell if a drug takes appetite away or not (besides the stimulants)

yeah my first T told me to try to identify triggers too but i was just like, umm... my trigger is everything!
i've been sitting alone relaxing and trying to enjoy a video game or something and all of a sudden panic... out of the blue... maybe i had a memory come in my mind or a flashback or something that causes those random panics! but its hard to remember what happens during / after / before panic for me
so its reeaally hard to try to identify triggers as they say

i dont know if my anxiety is similar to yours.. but i understand... it really is scary, it sucks so bad and just wanna make it better but seems like it wont get better, and really seems like it gets worse everyday because the anxiety / panic attacks make us weaker each time everyday, its easy to lose hope and faith that it can get better.. but it really can, we just have to keep with treatment

just have to try to focus on the goal... goal is to reduce anxiety... help the depression get better... and be able to relax

in the past i would never go to the dr, because of anxiety i guess... but also i guess ididnt want to admit something was wrong... i just self medicated everything away..
i really didnt like pills, i wouldn't even take tylenol or ibuprofen for a headache!
but 2011 i started to try to tell myself i need professional help.. tried celexa and like month later on a drunkin panic attack stupor i flushed all the pills down the toilet and just tried to drink everything away... then in 2012 i was so tired and just couldn't keep going the way i was going... went back to dr and got zoloft + klonopin and klonopin helped the anxiety but zoloft was kinda crappy for me(went up to 200mg and didnt have any effect)..
a few months after talking to that GP i decided i needed psychiatrist and worked on getting in the mental health clinic and then everything got crazy, lots of meds and varying effects... so now i think meds can help... but has to be the right meds, and not too many meds! medication is probably safer than me self medicating atleast.. thats what i tell myself

so i know what you mean about the meds

can you try to be patient with yourself..? i know i get really mad at myself because seems like i dont make any progress.. but i try to remind myself that doesnt help.. we have to be patient with ourselves while trying to let these meds help.. is there something small that you can carry around that makes you feel good, relaxes you, helps you visualize a good place, so that everytime you feel the anxiety coming you can take it and hold it and look at it and stuff like that? maybe a photo or a special trinket ?

the klonopin are great, but it seems your anxiety is pretty big too and i know i started relying on the klonopin and developed the tolerance and ended up having to take more.. but then when it got to where if i didnt take them everyday several times a day i would be so bad... i dont want you to lose the efficacy of the klonopin and have higher anxiety because its not working anymore it happened to me and i had to make myself tell the dr i wanted a "vacation" from them but he didnt help me at all with it and wouldn't give them back after 4-5 months when i asked... grrrr

now im not on any anxiety meds

i hope your bf is able to hang in there too..

sorry about my rambling!!
i zone out sometimes when writing and just scribble

I had this belief for a long time that meds early on made things worse for me. I learned during my undergrad that sudden changes or stops in antidepressants can cause symptoms to worsen, and my first t did just that. She didn't even consult with a psychiatrist, as far as I know, just prescribed through my GP who didn't know anything about mental health or meds. But with the way things have been going lately, eventually I just realized that i needed something else to help me now.

I'm trying to make myself eat. I have soup and some cheesy bread with me today, should be ok on my stomach. I can't remember if the wellbutrin made me nauseous before, but I think I remember having some side effects for a couple weeks. I just smoke, then I can eat

I have a hard time identfying triggers too. Most of the time I'm just not paying that much attention to my body until the panic starts to set in. We did talk today about my anxiety in crowds, and how that might have built up. Having something with me to relax me might be a good idea, I'll have to see if I can find something.

I might need to talk to the pdoc about other options for the anxiety. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety-provoking situations yesterday and ended up taking 4. I'm worried about not having it when I need it, so I think i've been a little too liberal.

buspar could work for you... but you take it 3x a day and it has to build up in your system too...
it didnt really do anything for me, my mom takes it though, its not as strong as klonopin so maybe you could take buspar and keep the klonopin for onhand emergency panic high anxiety and stuff while the buspar tries to control the over all anxiety?

1 idea maybe