[elevatedsoul]

AAAAaaaaaaaaggggggg

i could use someone important, special, caring, kind, compassionate, respectful, supportive, loyal in my life

i thought i had that person, but of course things never work out in this world of pain -

is there any one out there that has the capability of loving broken hearts - broken souls fallen angels or damned humans, whatever it is that i am condemned to suffer for whatever reason

- needing to be cared for desperately, need to forget the rejection and added pain of losing another cared one -.-

i seriously give up...

[elevatedsoul]

how are you supposed to meet that special someone and be-able to develop a cool - good relationship that will and can last through the dark grim murky fiery waters of hell when you can't even take care of yourself due the depression

i HATE being so broken, god i despise these emotions so deeply, i never thought i would curse god... but i have now probably more than i can count..

but its not my fault god, i didnt ask for this, you WONT help me! what have i ever done to deserve any thing bad? all i ever asked for was deliverance from this torture, i saw a window of love and looked through it and it felt good, but then you took it away from me and now i have nothing but these demons... why have you forsaken me?

god doesn't hear me, i feel so forsaken... condemned to suffering no matter how much i plead... i have tried to do everything right in my life, tried so hard
i dont think there is a person that could say something bad about me, that i have ever done something to anyone... i have only done damage to myself over the course of my life, i know i had rage problems before... but i learned... who wouldn't have rage when they feel like this all the time..? i just don't know why god doesn't help me... i am a good person... but this torture makes me feel so bad... i must of done something really horrible.... maybe in another life..? i beg for forgiveness everyday though, for anything that i may of done..
does anybody hear these prayers? i dont think anyone can hear me - if there is someone listening... then something is really wrong, if i saw someone in my position and heard the cries... i wouldn't be able to sit by and not help... so why does god ignore me? when im losing my strength, desire to fight, not seeing any reason to it all but eternal torture... does he not want me? i have never asked for any entity to do my works... just for wisdom and guidance... but the only thing i have been delivered are these tormenting seconds which i have to endure every day... is this a test of strength? for what? so that i can go to the other side and watch others suffer too? i dont understand

im so tired - please someone hear my pleading ... i dont know what i did to deserve any of tthese bad things... and i dont have any angelic protection apparently, no divine guidance.. im just lost in the deep pits of despair, where i cant be heard or seen... im only left with my own tormented soul - echoing the cries ..

i thought i met the angel god was going to send to me, but it was a dream... a mirage.... it was a test - to see how broken i can be.... but how she made me feel and gave me strength when she was with me, i'll never understand - and now its gone, and i will never have it like that again...
why have you forsaken me? teased me with happiness only to strip it away when i need it the most

is there a god? or am i barking up the wrong tree here....
what is the point to these feelings..? it is not ok... if you dont deserve to feel like this, never done anything to harm anyone or anything bad like that... then there is no reason for so much regret... pain.... guilt...... the torment of a depressed mind... why ?

[elevatedsoul]

trying to get back on a couple meds - but refuse to go back to my old pdoc so am left seeing my GP but she doesnt want to give me anything but wellbutrin... which is not doing @#^@!..

can't even get her to give me klonopins... i hate this
need to just get some alcohol...

[dexter]

Sorry elevated. I understand. I've never even had anyone in my life close enough to have the opportunity to let me down in that way. Not for lack of wanting or trying. My only heartache has come from hoping, thinking that someone wanted to be there.

Hope you find something... A pdoc who can get you back on some effective meds, or better yet, someone loving and trustworthy in your life.

Finding a good match is even difficult for people who do not have depression . . . finding someone, losing someone is part of the human condition. Sorry you are feeling so much pain.

[elevatedsoul]

Love

Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.[1] It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".[2] It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.[3]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

it certainly exists - but for someone to return the mutual contract which one develops when love begins to grow - is non-existent

just as well as God - love is a pretty illusion that attracts the ones who need it most, which does what? destroys all hope

the only thing i believe in anymore is pain, i know pain is real - i feel it deeply and know it well...
pain never leaves me, pain never judges me, pain never cries out ridicule - pain is omnipresent - it is what everything leads to, it is the end - and probably the beginning...

i am so broken i can't let anyone near me... i refuse to destroy the illusion of others happiness - because happiness isnt real, like love... it is just a passing moment that is an illusion...

but i am so lonely and this journey is taking every ounce of respect i have for myself and burning it to ashes... i find it more difficult to care for myself, love myself, how can i have these "good" emotions/illusions about myself when its obviously all lies, its all condemnation

all i have right now is to find a way to numb the pain, or to cause a pain greater than that which i feel that is more of an illusion...
i started hurting myself again (yay went a few years without even thinking about it but whatever)
all i want to do now is just get high - or drunk so that i can forget what the hell is going on...

im tired of living like this, i dont want to do the things i do - but i dont know what else to do - i am forsaken, i am not in the eyes of god and have not the blessings of angels...
i want to be sober and have a happy (content) life, since all of this is fake anyway... i dont know why it has to hurt so much... and cause so much misery.... i am so tired... but i have no one - i could try to open to my family, but i can not do this because of ridicule and judgement... i am supposed to be the strong one that has the brains and is capable of surpassing all challenges, but little does everyone know how much of a failure i am... i just sail along all by myself... not even god is here to help or guide me.... for whatever reason this is my prison...

im so tired of all of this.... why me.... why someone so weak and pathetic .... i can barely hold my head up anymore, to breathe - i do in just a reflex... because i haven't the will to even breathe this poison anymore...
i give up on so many levels...

[lavendersage]

I hear your anguish and I know it; I've cursed that same darkness myself and asked all those same questions. I've felt that terrible weariness that makes physical-based exhaustion look like child's play. It's a soul tiredness - a longing so profoundly deep and wide it's immeasurable; for the pain to cease, desist.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I want you to know that you're NOT alone. I care. Other people on PC care.

Please don't be self-destructive and do things that will bring/cause you harm.

And love surely does exist, I guarantee you of that. And, no, I don't say this from the bosom of a loving relationship. I'm alone and lonely, terrified that I'll never "get it right" with somebody.

But I know that love exists. Sending you some now.

[elevatedsoul]

i've tried so hard to make it better for so many years... i've felt this my whole life... i am only 26 years old, but it seems like it has been millennium of this torture... i dont think most people go through a lifetime without feeling as much pain... i just wish i had an answer to why i was forsaken to such a life... maybe if i knew why i deserve all of this i would accept it better... but i have honest to god never betrayed or harmed anyone intentionally... any wrong i have ever done i have tried to right... maybe people like me exist so that most people dont have to experience so much... or maybe the world really is as corrupt and discombobulated as i see it... and everyone else is just blind to the true appearance of these things... i have so much to give, but i am so weak and exhausted that i cant even find good reasons to keep looking for good reasons... to keep fighting or trying or whatever

im just not human... something happened to me - apparently someone is getting a thrill out of watching me squirm... if i could remember things i could figure it out, but i cant remember much... many years are blank.... all i know is that i went through things that i shouldn't have had to... i know some of those things.. but maybe there is more i cant remember... i almost died / or was killed (i guess how you look at it..) a few times, younger than 10 years old... maybe it messed me up for ever... i know 26 years is young... but i dont know what its like to feel good... i mean i had a window in which i fell in love, she was amazing and made me feel like i could really get by - it lasted a few years... but life happens... she is not with me anymore and i think it would of been better to not know that feeling... to just only know the pain... because now i know that there is an illusion that exists that can make the pain feel better... i guess its called love... i felt about her in a way that i did not know existed... and i dont know why - it just happened... it seemed like god was finally answering me, saying - J you deserve a break in life - she will ease your pains..

****... im back here again.... im crying and cant write any more so whatever...
just thought writing here someone might hear.... its so hard...

[elevatedsoul]

my idea of feeling good these days is just getting high so i dont end up cutting... not that that feels good either, but you know... atleast i haven't cashed out i guess...

[lavendersage]

it's late. maybe it's enough for today? Time to put it up on a shelf for the night (it will be there if you want to take it back down again tomorrow). Wash your face with some cool water, put on soft, comfy clothes and get snuggled in to your bed and try to sleep?

Sometimes the best course of action is to willfully choose to say "Enough for now. I'll deal with you later/tomorrow." and cut yourself a break.

Can you do that?

[elevatedsoul]

i dunno.. i just wanna feel a few moments of relief
i cant sleep right now, cant keep my eyes closed... i do feel so stupid for these things, i dont think im a drug addict, but maybe i am... i dunno, i dont do it because i want to get high... i just cant find the will in me to say no because i know how bad i will hurt either way, and just maybe my body will get numb if i do do something like that - drugs or cutting or whatever :/
i know im spiraling out of control again... but its the only thing i know to do anymore... doctors dont seem to understand, there is no way in hell i could ever begin to explain to my family - so they cant understand... the psychologist i saw feb 5th said that he hasnt seen these levels of depression and anxiety in a long time, atleast in any outpatients... of course its common for inpatients, but i dont want to go back to the hospital because it just makes me worse being there... like i said, i dont like to do these things and i dont wanna hurt myself or harm my brain or do any damage whatso ever... i do care - its just i dont know why i care anymore... i do want to be happy, its just i dont think it is possible... i just want to stop feeling pain, my mind is killing me... or making me kill myself, i dont know - i dont know if i can come back out of this episode... its happened so many times and lasted so long before, i hate it...

im not selfish... dont want to cause anyone any problems or make anyone worry about me...

just tired of hurting
i dont have any more alcohol so... no problem there... i'll try to just say **** it and stop doing anything tonight, but i just feel like im gonna hurt myself again because atleast then i can see why it hurts... trying not to...

[elevatedsoul]

[elevatedsoul]

dont understand why god had to take away the onlything ive ever loved...
i try to believe in god, in good.... i do try ;/ just dont know anymore..
maybe i feel like i dont want to believe in some god that would let one of his feel such torment...

going to get off here and just stair at the wall for a while... too many emotions coming through... i cant cipher through the anguish or anger... im just disappointed... angry that things are like this... but at the same time i feel so much guilt... my emotions are conflicted... sigh...

god, why wont you help me im going to stop asking for help soon...