Out of work for week - Afraid to go back!!!!

I've been out of work for nearly a week because I got really depressed and anxious over a situation at work. My boss asked me and three other co-workers to essentially give her a review. BAD idea!! (We're a staff of 13 w/ no HR dept) My boss was not happy with what the group told her and gave me the cold shoulder for several weeks - found fault with my work and had another co-worker talk to me about it.

I finally snapped...literally at one of my co-workers. I called the Employee Assistance Program and scheduled an appointment to see a counselor. My appt was last Monday, but when I got there I got really anxious and left. (The last time I was in therapy was nearly 10 years ago!)

That night I started scratching on my arm. I was supposed to have a meeting with my boss the next day. I couldn't bring myself to face her. I never know how she'll act - sometimes she's totally understanding and sometimes completely intolerable (aggressive, combative communicator). She's a complete control freak - and I infuriate her at times because when she's 'attacking' me I can't help but withdraw!!!!! She's says I'm passive aggressive?

So instead of going to work, I went to my primary care physician. He was pretty understanding. Of course encouraged me to face the situation and seek counseling. He gave me a medical excuse to stay out the rest of the week - which in the state I was in I would've quit rather than gone back to work! So I was thankful. He also started me on a second anti-dep.

But I have to go back to work Monday. I know I have to go to work. I live alone and have bills to pay and need insurance. I know I have to go to work. If I keep typing that maybe I'll go.

I've been in bad shape before. I've been hositalized, etc, etc. But this is the first time things have come undone while I was regularly taking my med. There have been times when I've not refilled a perscription and gotten really depressed. But this was different.

It's like I got too stressed and short circuited or something. Now I'm afraid to go back to work. My job is very stressful - I plan events. The nature of the business where I work is VERY stressful. I'm afraid I'm not up to it.

Then where could I find a less stressful job that pays more than minimum wage! I'm 300lbs - my resume looks great....it's me that looks like a fat, lazy idiot. I feel stuck.

I feel like such an immense FAILURE!!!!!!!

How do I go back to work? What do I say when I go back? I don't like people knowing. But I don't think I can go back and plow ahead full steam!!!! I have 3 major events I'm planning right now!!! I don't think I can perform my job!!! What do I do?????

I'm sorry this is so long. Just needed to get it out somewhere...

God Bless!

gostryter,

It is a prediciment. I'm not sure if you get any type of long term sick leave at your job, but you might want to consider going to a psychiatrist and being written out for a little while longer.

I understand your fears - I am also overweight and always thought that was a reason I couldn't get a job and it is true there are some people that are prejudiced against that - but not all people.

I'm sort of surprised that you primary care physician has put you on two different antidepressants but hasn't required you to go into counseling - rather encouraging you. Did he give you a referrel?

By the way - you are not a failure. I know everyone things that at one time or another and I did as well once. But, if you had a heart attack and were in the hospital, or broke your leg, or got cancer, would you call yourself a failure?

Give yourself a break and if you really feel you can't go back to work call your primary again and get into therapy.

Tranquility

I definitely agree with Tranquility. If your depressive/anxious state is so bad, have it certified by a psychiatrist, get the proper cure (by the way, summing up antidepressants doesn't sound a refined strategy...), and the ***** will learn not to mistreat people.

This is an illness, biologically based and life-threatening, not a joke.

The best of luck

thank you both!! your comments mean a lot to me! (stefano - you made me laugh...i think maybe i'll take you to work with me!)

my primary care is referring me to a counselor. waiting to hear from the drs office.

just feeling like so much is up in the air right now. i don't like not knowing what will happen.

i'm still trying to drill that this is an illness into my head. i refused meds for the longest time - finally started taking them and they definitely help!

just all so hard...