[qwerty68]

I will try to make this short since I already wrote a long, abridged list of my issues last month. Maybe this belongs in the anxiety or compulsions topic, but I feel that my depression is the driver for all of this.

I have no real cause for it, but I am just a mess inside and feel overwhelmed a few times a day. I can usually deal with it since I have been depressed for 21 years but it just gets worse. It is a cycle of suck, really.

The only two real issues is I have to decide on ECT or not and dealing with a podiatrist that can't decide what is wrong with my feet. He bounces between neuropathy and a benign tumor. He is currently on the neuropathy side, which doesn't address my main complaint: a lumpy feeling in the balls of my feet; and put me on gabapentin without any neuro workup. That drug + remeron make me sleep a long time and have a drugged out feeling when I do wake. He doesn't even factor in my anxiety which causes shooting pain.

Both of these issues are making me anxious and I just obsess about it. I also obsess almost constantly about my teeth, I usually have 3-4 different strands of thought running in my head and my teeth are always one of them.

I am not in danger of losing them, but I floss almost constantly, leading to sore gums leading to me freaking out and clinching my jaw until everything aches, which leads to my chronic headaches getting worse, which leads to my mouth hurting even more. Well, you get the idea. I realize I sound like an idiot. Sometimes I sit for hours trying to get myself to brush because I am afraid it will make my teeth fall out. My teeth aren't perfect but I don't need to see a periodontist or need teeth pulled. There is simply no rationality behind this, yet it is a huge problem.

I am currently going through a review of my VA disability rating and they keep sending me paperwork to bring to old employers, more than 5 years ago. They don't even remember me, but it shouldn't be a big deal but even something small like this sends me into a tailspin.

My daughters tell me it isn't rational, and at least I can recognize it but apparently it isn't enough. There is lots more that spins through me but I think that draws a good picture of my current big issue.

It doesn't help that my MDD turned into MDD with psychotic features a year or so ago, maybe that is the root cause and Remeron + Geodon isn't working. Well, I know Remeron doesn't touch my depression, even my pdoc says so, I just take it because there is nothing left to try, has minimal side-effects and it is the only reason I sleep. 1.5 mg of Klonopin each day does nothing for this either. Maybe I just need to get off all meds.

I have so many worries, most imaginary, and I barely leave the house! I only go out when forced because I have this idea that because I am ugly people laugh at me, so I make trips as short as I can.

I have been depressed for so long that I am usually really good at handling it, in fact it often feels like a good friend. I was horrible at handling it the first 10 years, but it is pretty much a part of me now.

But lately, I just can't get a handle on it, all my depressed thoughts are running wild and amping up my anxiety. I can usually focus on doing things during the day, but these thoughts overrun any ability to concentrate on productive tasks. I am not sure if I have an actual question in all this blather that has any sort of answer or if I am really just ranting and wasting hard drive space on the server and your bandwidth. I recognize the problem and recognize that most of it is not rational, but I have zero insight into what to do to get a grip on things so I can go back to my relatively peaceful depression.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Sorry you have so much going on in your head, it's so hard to stop those thoughts.
Having VA rating review is enough to stress anyone out!!
All I can do is send some calm thoughts your way and hope one or two get through.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, we're here for people to rant, you're never wasting server space, if it helps, it's worth it.

We're here for each other here.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry you are struggling... i know what you mean by depression feels like part of you now..
if the current medications you are on aren't working have you considered switching..?

or if you have been seeing the same doc for a long time and he's not helping much then maybe you need a new doctor...?

i quit seeing my last pdoc because he just wouldnt listen to me and thought he knew how i was feeling when i was telling him otherwise... he would be like "oh this helps your sleep and anxiety" and im like "no it really doesnt make me sleep any better and im still anxious as hel" and he be like ok good i'll see you in 6 months

[qwerty68]

There is nothing really to switch to. I haven't tried every med in every combination, that sounds painful, but I have tried many different meds in every category and either got nothing from it or nothing positive plus lots of side effects.

The only class I haven't tried are MAOI's and I have contraindicated medical conditions(migraines and seizures) plus I need pain killers occasionally when my bursitis and sacroiliitis flare up.

I have had about 6 pdocs in the last 5 years. The current one listens well, and actually lets me make decisions since I spend so much time educating myself on all this craziness. I only see him 30 minutes every 3 months. My pdoc has labeled my depression as intractable and I think he is getting ready to stop seeing me and just give me refills, I have been there before but not while being so unstable, which doesn't help my stability. I can read his notes on the VA website and he is getting really frustrated with me, or rather my lack of progress.

They do have therapists I can go talk to about once a month but that is a waste of my time. The VA is really stretched thin dealing with all the vets that came back from the middle east. My pdoc says I need 2-3 sessions a week badly, but that scares me.

In the late 90's I saw one twice a week and she did such a number on my head it took 5 years to get clear of the damage she caused. Even my ex-wife, who came in for 1 appointment hated her because the therapist took her side and spent the session telling her she was right to leave me(I was never abusive in any sort of manner, never cheated, I am on good terms with my ex to this day) and I don't deserve another relationship. Well, she was right about the last part as I gave up relationships in 2002. I could write a book describing the ways she twisted me up.

I know not all therapists are bad like she was, but it is hard to go back, even for one session a month. Maybe it would help and give me a handle on things, I can't seem to do that alone these days.

The ECT thing is really driving me nuts. I was supposed to talk to him two weeks ago but he simply didn't show up that day and the substitute doctor didn't want to make any big decisions or even give me advice and I can't see him again until mid-April.

I might need to ditch my podiatrist since I think he is mistaking side effects of Geodon for peripheral neuropathy, while ignoring the fact that my problem is caused by either a pinched nerve or benign tumor.. The gabapentin seems to counter-act the sleep properties of the remeron

Gabapentin is the reason I am up at 12:30 AM and I will be up by 9 or 10 and wrecked the entire day but at night I will be wired again. I need to be put in a coma for a month or so.

Thanks to all for kind words and advice. It is nice, but sad, to know that others are in a similar boat and willing to talk. That is helpful.

Sorry for barfing on the boards again, I probably sound like an imbecile. It is somewhat helpful to write my feelings down, I should probably start a journal.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah side effects suck...
my depression got a little better when i was drugged out the yin yang.. i mean i dont think it was better i think i just didnt know what was going on anymore - or couldnt feel anything or whatever.. i just dont wanna take that many pills at once anymore...

therapy can really be helpful if you have a good therapist... i tried 2 therapist, the first one was amazing but i was so stupid and kept skipping appointments because of issues .. and she had to leave - got a new one and she was like talking to a brick wall - saw here 2 times i think and quit..

hang in there... maybe all you need is just tweak the meds a little and it have a paradoxical effect ?

[Nimitri]

My god, you are so strong. Even with everything that has happened to you, you are still going. I'm awed.

I can't say anything for the meds, but have you tried doing some small relaxing habits. There is Emotional Freedom Technique that I just found, which was something we did when I went to some Tai-chi classes. There is the sylva method which in youtube came with videos. I do breath exercises and I understand. For years I had nightmares about my teeth falling out or losing them or getting diabetes and they all becoming black and having nerve damage. Logical has nothing to do with it. There is some protection that they give to boxers, it might be useful to you. I had a dentist who used something similar because he also grounded his teets until he got severe migranes and it helped him to avoid damage.

All my hugs and I pray for you. Don't let one bad therapist scare you. Just think about her like an asshole in the freeway that just crossed your path. Some people are like that but others are better.

[qwerty68]

I certainly don't feel strong but thank you for that. I will look into relaxation stuff, it is certainly worth a try and I am embarrassed that I it never occurred to me.

elavatedsoul: I will talk to my pdoc about seeing a therapist again.

Maybe I am on too many meds and need to cut back. My pdoc thinks that despite the high risks an MAOI would probably be very effective because it hits nearly every receptor. Despite the risk of strokes, more seizures and would take away pain management options when my bursitis and whatnot flares up, it is starting to look appealing.

He won't agree with it even though he was the one who brought it up and I was the one that said it was medically unsound. I guess that says a lot about where I am at. Nothing scares me more than having another seizure but the risk seems worth it right now. The auras themselves are terrifying and my last seizure sent me to the hospital for 6 days, 3 of them were in the ICU because seizures causes my heart to beat erratically. Plus, the seizure damaged my shoulder which is why I get bursitis.

In the first post I said it was depression that is driving all my crazy issues, but it is the seizures that started them in the first place.

[elevatedsoul]

just dont give up, it sometimes takes lnger than other people to find the right combination .... just need a really good pdoc to work wth you ya know? someone that can really tkae time with you and understand whats going on... not just someone that rx all these meds just to get you out of the office,,,

i feel like giving up alot but i feel like if i give up what will get better.. it get worse... i cant give up, you cant give up, gotta keep fighting

[qwerty68]

I dunno, I have lots of years of this. Maybe ECT will be the answer.

I hear you about never giving up. I have always been stubborn and my psych issues haven't taken that from me. Although, I feel like a punch drunk boxer that just keeps getting up and not knowing why.

Thank you

[elevatedsoul]

good way to look at it
dunno why i keep getting up either - but i will