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#1
Mar 23, 2016, 01:06 PM
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I am so sick I don’t know what to do. this is my first time posting here or to any kind of site or forum. I have been trying to deal with my depression and anxiety for over 15 years now, ever since I accepted it and decided to get help. But it has never been as bad as it is now. I have come to terms with the fact that I’ve been depressed since childhood and I’ve never taken it as seriously as I do now. I’m a 38 year old male and I have no hope left. Mental illness has completely destroyed my life from the inside out. I know I am not alone, and the only reason I’m still here is for the love of my family. I want to die so badly, but the thought of what my death will do to my loved ones keeps me soldiering on everyday through the despair. I’ve completely lost the ability to feel joy. I put on a fake smile for strangers and especially for my daughter (almost two years old) but I’m completely dead on the inside. My days and nights are racked with fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. Insomnia rules my nights and I’m am walking dead all day. I see no other way out. I recently spent two weeks in the hospital for the first time, and shortly after I completed a month-long day-hospital program for mental health. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist also. I try to latch onto the concepts and suggestions in therapy, but I can’t make them stick. I wish and beg (and if I was religious I would pray) for some natural cause to take my life (cancer). I know how ignorant that sounds, but I mean it with every fibre of my being. If I could give my life to someone suffering and dying in a cancer ward I would do it in a second. Someone who could go on to enjoy a great life and be happy. For some reason I think that my family (especially my children) would be able to cope easier with a father who died of a disease rather than from suicide. It’s sick, but that’s what goes through my head. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today, but I’m not hopeful. Meds just make my situation way worse. I am one of the unfortunate few who is so sensitive to any kind of chemical. Side effects are intolerable, and my insomnia and death thoughts get way worse. I am going to ask her today about ElectroConvulsiveTherapy. It sounds terrible, but I am so desperate. I have nothing left inside. My brain is so foggy and confused I feel like I have dementia. I have found through therapy that talking and being honest helps for a short time. so here i am.
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 Anonymous37780, Fuzzybear
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#2
Mar 23, 2016, 03:35 PM
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Thank you for holding on. I've lived on the other side of someone taking his life for almost six years. Please don't do that. It affects everyone around you, even the person who you see at the convenience store or check you out at the grocery (true). I have MDD recurrent. Right now it's recurring. I wouldn't know normal if it walked up and introduced itself. It's been so long. I don't have a therapist or pdoc. Wish I did. Just keep going to see them and hopefully for all's sake you will feel better soon.
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| elevatedsoul
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#3
Mar 23, 2016, 04:45 PM
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Hello MDB. What you describe sounds very similar to me with regard to depression. I am alone in my life so the only people I would hurt are my coworkers. I think about that all of the time weighing it against all of the pain I am in. I have heart problems and I have been hoping that I might have another heart incident that would take my life because then no one would have to second guess my suicide. I have to see my cardiologist next Tuesday and I have very mixed feelings about what he is going to say... if he determines I need surgery can I refuse the surgery?
I am hanging in there. I am not sure what I am hanging on to but there must be a shred of amorphous hope inside of me. You said: Quote:
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------------------------------------ --  -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
| elevatedsoul
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#4
Mar 23, 2016, 04:47 PM
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(((hugs)))
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#5
Mar 23, 2016, 04:57 PM
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welcome MDB922... although i wish you didn't have to be here on the forums suffering with depression... depression is a horrible horrible affliction..
and especially someone that is sensitive to the drugs... im so sorry.. im not sensitive to drugs but they just dont work for me... i too have been dealing with depression since i was a little kid... 5..6..4 years old... im 26 years old now, i have severe mdd recurrent without psychotic features... i feel your pain, i understand completely how you feel  i wear so many masks that its hard for me to keep up anymore.. i don't have a memory , for whatever reason, im not sure why.. im just in a constant state of ... that fog ... sometimes i cant feel anything, sometimes i zone out and am stuck in my head for some time... but i try hard for everyone around me, like you, i dont want to hurt anyone and it would really hurt my family if anything happened to me... so i hide all of my symptmoms the best i can, i dont talk about what im going through with anyone... which is really difficult thing to do trying to go through this alone is really hard.. really a not a good thing i think... i found this website some time ago and it has helped me a great deal... even though i just post alot of nonsense and stuff... it helps.. you can post as much as you want, talk as much as you want, i try to check the forums everyday to keep myself focused on recovery... everyone here is really understanding and supportive... i have been trying to get treatment for about ... 4-5 years... before that i heavily self medicated which of course doesn't make things better.. it probably why the medications dont work so well on me now because i've destroyed parts of my brain? did the hospital help any? i know therapy can seem like its not helping sometimes... how long have you been in therapy? when i tried to do therapy it started to make me feel... well.. feel :/ and i dont reallly like feeling those things... so i felt like it wasnt helping, was making me worse.. all that... but its the little things that matter, its a slow progress sometimes... something that we have to keep at... how does your psychiatrist handle your sensitivity to medication? which medicines have you tried? some people suggest natural "remedies" but i've never had much luck with it.. honestly haven't had much luck with anything, besides when they had me on so many drugs that i couldn't write or count or say my abc's.... i dont want to be like that though... its a war, everyday is a battle... some battles we win... some we lose... but as long as we don't "check out" we are still fighting the war... and still have chance to win the war and end all the battles... just have to keep fighting... stay strong... be kind and gentle with yourself.. can talk here and vent... sometimes it helps to vent here where no one can see you, no one will attack you or make fun of you, its a safe place... atleast it has been safe for me as long as i have been here... it sucks when all you know are these feelings... my old therapist told me that i dont know what it feels like to be happy, i thought i did but i only know what it feels like to be high and numb - or severely depressed and stuff.. never really been happy :/ but we can win.. we can't give up everyday they are looking into new treatments and medicines and hopefully they will come up with a way to really help people with severe recurrent mdd i feel you.. i hope you stick around and find some helpful support here 
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#6
Mar 23, 2016, 05:16 PM
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__________________
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#7
Mar 23, 2016, 05:35 PM
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mdb---I am so sorry that you feel terrible...it is awful...you are not alone
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#8
Mar 23, 2016, 06:26 PM
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MDB, you are not alone in the immense suffering, not that helps a whole lt. Thank you for reaching out to us!
Even when meds help people, they often don't resolve the underlying issue. There are emerging therapies for trauma-related (child abuse, etc) depression - if this applies to your situation and would like to know more, I'd be happy to share. You have a needed place on this earth so I hope you are able to hang in there. 
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#9
Mar 24, 2016, 07:01 AM
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Quote:
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#10
Mar 24, 2016, 09:22 AM
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I have a lot of the same feelings as you do and know how terrible they are. I too was just recently in the hospital again and did ECT for the second time. It seemed to help for a little while but then the memory problems got really bad so I had to stop. I also was in the process of switching to MAOI meds so there were a few weeks when I was on nothing at all. So the bad feelings started to return and I am back to feeling really low and wanting to die.
Really think about ECT before you do it. I have done it twice now and the results never seem to last and I get very frustrated with not being able to remember things. I have to use a gps to get anywhere because I can't remember how. I had to google where 7-11 was because I couldn't remember. I forgot my one son's birthday and my anniversary. It is not fun. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk |
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#11
Mar 24, 2016, 10:31 AM
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I am sorry to hear of your struggles, but as has been said - you are not alone. I share many of the same feelings, but somehow I know that I've never taken much solace in that someone else shared in my symptoms, except I knew that I wasn't "crazy" and that it wasn't just me. However, that still doesn't get us to an answer on how to get 'better' or to 'fix it'. It took me a long time to figure out that sometimes, you just can't fix it. It is who I am. It is the life I lead. I might never feel happy or good. I might always have these feelings and thoughts of how it would be easier or a relief if I just stopped having these burdens. But, somehow, I wake up everyday. I do what I need to do to survive. I've been hospitalized too. That scared me enough to avoid that situation again, but if anything it made me withdraw.
For many of us, there is no 'fix'. There is no magic pill to make it all go away. I too am incredibly sensitive to medications. They make my symptoms 100x worse. And that isn't just anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. I took a cough suppressant recently and holy heck, my depression spiraled so badly I didn't think I would climb my way back to the surface. All I'm saying is -- I am glad you are talking. I am glad you are here. I hear you when you say you don't really have anything left. But, somehow you are existing. There is something keeping you here. I found accepting THIS level of functioning and not TRYING to force myself to meet some standard of 'normal' has really helped. My relationships suffer but I do worse without one so I have remarried. My husband often tries to tell me I need to be committed. I need to seek help. But, one day hopefully he'll see this is my normal. I won't ever be 'happy'. I won't ever stop feeling like this. But, that's ok. I know how to do this. I do it every day. I wake up and put on my mask and go to work and then I come home and take it off and I just am 'me' again. *hugs* Sometimes, the only person that can keep you here is you. It can be a tiring fight. It can be a taxing fight. I found horses are my outlet. I own 5. Which, yeah, is pretty crazy. But, they are the only thing that pulls me out of this fog. When I am with them, its like nothing else exists in my life. For those few hours I am with them, everything fades and I have nothing but horses and fresh air and life. So, maybe you can find something like that. When I drive away from the horses, everything crashes back down on me but at least, for a short while, I had something. To distract me. To heal me, if only for a moment. Keep talking. Keep waking up every day. Keep moving. You are special as you are. Don't try to be who you're not. I'm not saying to settle for these feelings but I also think for many of us, it is that unattainable 'happy' feeling that we are told to strive for that wrecks us. The minute I stopped trying to be what I'm not, the easier it was for me to not feel that pressure to change. |
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#12
Mar 24, 2016, 11:54 AM
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I think that the common theme here is that you are not alone! All of us struggle with depression and most of us struggle with thoughts of self harm and SI. I get it! It is a hard path that we are called to walk, but we just have to keep moving one step at a time. Some days it is all I can do to crawl out of bed and keep coming to work each day. I have to remind myself , just like you, that I have a family that would be incredibly hurt if I gave in to the thoughts that are often so loud. So, I send you hugs, warm thoughts, and a listening ear. Keep fighting the good fight. it's worth it.
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#13
Mar 24, 2016, 01:08 PM
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sending you strength MDB.
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#14
Mar 24, 2016, 01:10 PM
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you are not alone, there are many people around the world right now who are experiencing similar feelings and thoughts. I know that doesn't make it easier but i think somehow it helps to know that others are in this too.
Perhaps self compassion? |
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#15
Mar 24, 2016, 01:15 PM
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i think its sad that others are experiencing it too... but knowing you aren't alone makes you feel less crazy... and makes it easier to reach out for support...
__________________
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