Depression Math (almost certainly a trigger)

Another mostly sleepless night last night where I couldn't stop thinking of ways out of this depression and failing at all of them. Seeking hope but finding only dead ends.

It is not like I don't have people that care about me or would miss me or feel guilty or would be in pain if I left. My coworkers would miss me most because they have the most contact with me. Still I've been a **** at work for more than a month now so for some of them it might be a relief or at least they would finally have a sense of understanding as to what has been going on with me.

I have some close friends almost family, but they are far away and I don't have much contact with them any more. Really only a few days at Christmas and sometimes Easter. I will likely see them this weekend.

They are very close and I think will be hurt the most. But their grief will be mitigated by the fact that there isn't must contact with me already. They will miss me a couple of times a year, and probably be in shock for a few weeks or more.

Family is friendly but estranged. It would would be a while until they even found out... no one really knows who they are or how to contact them... and when they did find out it would likely be a topic of discussion rather than any tears shed.

Same with the clubs I am in. No real bonds there, it would probably be gossip more than anything else.

I'm not worried about a will or funeral, I don't have anyone to really care about that stuff. (the last time I was suicidal ten years ago I did leave a note and a will but none of those people are in my life anymore. I don't care what happens to my stuff... And I can't imagine my coworkers milling about at a funeral for me... that would be pathetic)

So here's the thing... Of the people who would truly suffer from missing me, causing them pain for a few weeks or more. I've already been in terrible emotional and physical pain for more than three months with this. Why is it worth all of the fighting every minute and not sleeping and suffering every day and trying to struggle through my job and failing miserably and being angry at everyone and all of that suffering... to spare several other people a few weeks or even months of grief? I can't do anything this weekend because of the friends that are in town... If I tip then off then there WOULD be guilt if I were to do something. If they visit I'm telling them I'm still recovering from my pneumonia as an excuse for my being tired and lethargic. They didn't even know I had pneumonia... That is how close I was to them.

And I'm trying but I can't find any reasons for hope for myself otherwise.

i would miss you... i appreciate your words and wisdom...
even if there isnt anyone in real life that cares about you, you are important to atleast a couple people here...

i dont know what hope is, but i try to not let this demon trick me into thinking i would be better off dead... i try to think of it like a computer virus, i have had alot of weird computer viruses, the weirdest one made my CD drive open repeatedly...
they are weird, usesless and make no sense, serve no purpose but to cause annoyance and grief... this is what depression is to me... its a virus... and there are many effects it has, including my cd drive :/
trying to trick me into thinking i need to disappear and die is one of them... but that is terminal and it would fix the virus, but it would destroy the computer as well... and computers are expensive... valuable... useful... serve many purposes... our bodies and minds are valuable too... even if they aren't top of the line CIA type super computers... even small simple slow old style calculators are useful...
just have to try to find the niche... what our computer (selves) are useful for... are good at... and try to focus the use on those things... until we can come across some good antivirus to get rid of the infection...

well... most of the time when i get a real computer virus i format the hard drive to just wipe everything clean ... but then have to start completely over on rebuilding all of the data i had stored... i dont kknow how to format my brain, although i dont hold much data in it because i forget so much... so im still trying to figure out an equivalent method to get rid of a virus in the mind as formatting... without losing everything that is up there... which formatting isn't the same as terminating.. but the only thing i found to do yet is not healthy... i end up getting drunk and high most of the time, which is like a hard reboot... and that doesnt remove the virus, but stalls it out for a few hours till it restarts and the software starts wreaking havoc on my hardware again...

i wish i knew an answer, a solution, all i know is that we have to try to rely on the professional help because sometimes its hard to understand these viruses...

wow, i have comfuzed myself with this ... metaphor...
im sure it probably doesnt make any sense and probably has a hundred meanings you could take from it, but dont throw everything away... you are valuable...

i should just delete this message, its a scrambled mess... but i want to help you and i want you toknow that i care and would miss you ...
sorry i took a few pills so my brain is not working ... i dunno what im trying to say...
please take a small positive hug from this stupid message...

I think my current problem is... My earlier bout of depression, when I called a hotline, I realized I really wanted to live and to change my life and I realized that it was the depression shielding me from hope.

This time around I think I've found myself in a pretty deep inescapable rut years before this depression relapse. I tried to take myself out of it. I haven't mentioned this but I quit my job a few years ago. Tried to work part time. Tried to develop other skills and/or find some other avenues of bringing myself some joy internally. I figured that it wasn't happening while I was working so I had to really challenge myself. It didn't work out and I ended up THANKFULLY back at my old job (the current one with the supportive boss and manager) after a year away. So at that point it was pretty clear that the things I wanted weren't available to me and my reanalysis of the things I wanted wasn't bringing me any new insight.

So now this depression hit triggered by something unrelated and I can see the depression crushing me and lying to me. But the lack of hope is something I can still see and remember as something from outside of this depression bubble. So I can fight this depression but I do not know what I am fighting for. One step at a time/one day at a time is hard to keep forging through when I don't really have a strong desire to emerge outside of the bubble into the life I have waiting for me there... And talk about changing that life is staggering... Doesn't fit the "one day at the time" mold... and, DUH, been there done that, unsuccessfully. I'm older with more health issues now, I have no reason to think that trying again would bring any success this time around and many reasons to think that it wouldn't, personal experience being the biggest in addition to practical considerations like physical health.

And yes I've been discussing this frankly with my T.

His response was to tell me "one step at a time" and give me the number of an emergency response team.

I only brought this up in depth last session so lets see if he has any ideas next week.

do you like your T...?
i mean you can like your T and they still not be able to help much...

that is what i fear about attempting therapy... my problems are severe and deep rooted...
have you considered hypnosis...? i have been thinking about it for a long time... because something is really wrong with my brain...

I definitely like my T. I find him comfortable to talk to, he seems to have a genuine concern for my well being and interest in keeping me alive, and has offered some coping ideas that have helped.

However I am not sure yet if he can help. He hasn't said much since those first ideas, it has mostly been me talking. I've only been seeing him for, what, three weeks? Four? Twice a week. So I'm still in the stage of seeing how well I do with him and what he can do for me.

And, so help me, I am trying. It is so hard and I'm spending most of my time just struggling to find some sense of light at the end and I think I'm losing the day-to-day battle of staying alive.

I'm trying to imagine how I can be content to survive in the life I have and possibly continue to improve it if I should successfully battle this depression. All I have going is a job and this current mess is screwing that up, my ability to relate to my coworkers. And the depression isn't going to be a short battle. I don't know what will be left for me if and when I emerge. Last time it devastated my entire worklife and it took me a year to find a new job. I can't even imagine where I would look for a new job at my age with my skillset if it should come to that. Hopefully it won't. I know they are behind me and I won't lose my job but I don't know if my ability to work there will be compromised... That's what happened at my last job. I tried to go back after coming out of the hospital but it just didn't work.

do you like kids?

maybe if you can find the energy you could volunteer at some organization or place to help young kids... maybe helping give them guidance and help set them on a good path for life will help you feel better...

i know i love kids... and thinking that they have a blank slate so to speak, that they can feel happy and have a good life... if they have a little guidance... its sometehing that i enjoy... seeing the joy and life in their eyes... the potential they have and the possibilities that they canachieve....

Embarrassed to say that I stopped volunteering a little while ago. Some health issues and inability to keep my commitments. I didn't stop completely but cut back. Also embarrassed to admit that some selfishness was starting to creep in and I stopped getting fulfillment or rather I decided I needed to spend more time trying to find some fulfillment for myself. I used to get that from volunteering but as loneliness crept into my life I felt I needed to readjust my balance. Wouldn't want to ruin my karma by giving it up entirely but had to be practical about my own goals in life.

its cool... dont be embarassed... i totally get it

i cant be around alot of people... and i dont like being around a lot of kids...
but for example my sisters baby... she will be 1 in may... and i just adore her and love playing with her, she smiles all the time and laughs and is just generally so happy i cant help but like playing with her...
it makes me feel a special something inside of me... especially when she grabs my face and tries to pinch my eyes and bites my nose, its just a few moments that i really enjoy... its just hard to get myself to play with her sometimes because i cant stop crying or look terrible or whatever and i dont want to influence her at all... sometimes im scared that if i spend too much time with her she will catch whatever is wrong with me and i dont want her to have any prroblems any where near wlhat i have...

the youger onces are great... the older they get the more... well i cant handle them too much for too long because they just get crazy and stuff... but the little kids are fun... until they get sleepy and start crying and stuff of course...

I tell myself that I don't know the future. And that's really all of the words of wisdom that I have, sadly.

I have thought the things you have...people would get over it if I wasn't here. They always do. But maybe, even at this stage in my life, the future has something for us that we don't know about.

The worst thing, for me, was lying there at night waiting for sleep. It's so horrible. I now take ambien so at least I cannot think too much. Perhaps that's an option for you.

By seeing a therapist, you have the will to improve. That's huge. Could you volunteer with animals (massive reward, there...nothing makes you smile like a puppy)?

I've been where you are...or at least similar. I had a good career as a computer engineer after graduating the university in 1978. I had been married in 1975 & I had our daughter earlier in 1978.

Bad marriage but I was so involved in my career & music as my hobby & played racquetball everyday with the guys I worked with. I was constantly busy & then later on keeping up with supporting our daughters activities along with everything else, didn't have time to really think about my situation.

In 1994, aerospace crashed in California & there went my career, mid 40's & non-aerospace didn't want to hire high paid engineers who were without a job. Anxiety hit first then after the first year of struggling, major depression hit. I didn't realize it at the time but then being financially trapped in the bad marriage was making the depression so bad I started attempting suicide thinking it was my only escape. Bad for my daughter but I was so miserable I knew she would be better without me also. Several attempts came close but for some reason unknown to me none were successful & amazing, be never had serious problems because of any either even after coma & life support for 24 hours.....

I had new interests I got involved in during that time, training & showing & breeding my American Eskimo dogs & bought my first horse & took dressage lessons & showed in that....but I still hated my life.

Therapy & pdocs were sure it was JUST the loss of my career & thought I was overreacting....so that's what I thought too...why not...they were the professionals that should put the pieces together & know.

I did end up worth continuous migraines that I'm still dealing with. It wasn't until 2003 when I finally went to a pain specialist who got them under control. I started taking interior design classes at the junior college & H by that time also lost his computer engineering career so wanted to take the classes with me (HUGE MISTAKE TO DO THAT WITH HIM). Just made me dislike him even more & the fights got worse.

That summer my mom had her cancer surgery she had been in chemo & radiation for that past year, I had an asthma attach from forest fire smoke that landed me in the hospital 10 days, my mare Disco finally gave birth to her foal Izzy & injured her leg when 3 weeks old...cut it down to the bone, my moms cancer surgery didn't go well & she wasn't healing from it. From all the stress & asthma, my anorexia hit again. Needless to say, taking classes wasn't an option. To top that off, it was obvious my mom's cancer wasn't all gone like her oncologist said after the surgery...just to make my mom feel better. Mom didn't want to leave her home. I caught checks written, caught the home care person on the phone applying for a credit card with my moms social security # & the final straw, she od'ed my mom on her morphine after calling the police telling them that I was abusing my mom when she was the one doing it. I got my mom to a safe place for the end of her life....but it left me dealing with PTSD from the trauma that the home care person caused along with implied threats. Add to that a marriage that I realized was becoming totally intolerable & anorexia as I couldn't even eat any more.

It took almost a year before I could go back into my moms house, the house I grew up in, got it cleaned out & sold almost 2 years later.

I decided that I was going to buy a farm that I had always wanted so went to the horse state 2100 miles away & found a 10 acre farm that needed a lot of work (& still does). I spent 6 months away fixing it up & realized it was my way out of the marriage. The move made such a change in my life. It was like a miracle hit. I had been so afraid that with all my health issues that there would be no way for me to make it on my own but the time from May to December when I brought my H to the farm on a trial basis proved that I could handle myself by myself & my health actually improved being out of that stressful life I was living in. Trial basis lasted a couple of weeks before I kicked him out & back to Calif.

The point of this being....we never know what really good things the future holds that at our bad points we can't even possibly conceive could happen.

I have been here 9 years in May. I love life & the change in me is beyond what I ever could have imagined. I hated everyone & everything except my horses & my dogs before I left. Therapy was useless because it was just me talking all the time. A few years after getting here I was able to find a wonderful therapy group, a wonderful psychologist who suggested my joining the DBT group for the 2 year commitment. From that I learned skills but most of all I learned how to express myself in ways I never had learned before in my life. I have learned so much about how my past had effected what I went through by integrating & remembering many things that I hadn't realized were even going on in my life. I have learned why my marriage was bad & why my parents were so dysfunctional...learning also how dysfunctional that all made me.

Those 13 years of major depression now are like a black hole in my life. I don't mave much memory of the details except for a few highlights & that's ok. I got through the IRS mess my Almost x-H left me in a few years ago so able to put the past in the past completely......& totally embrace the wonderful life I do have now. Though living alone, I have wonderful friends, learning that there was a lot of the now me that had been so suppressed by all the circumstances. Changes we can't even think of can happen to take our lives in an amazing different direction. I am so thankful now that none of my suicide attempts were successful as I never would have had the wonderful life that I am now enjoying.

Life can get better....33 years in a bad marriage....13 of those years in major depression...never would have thought anything good could come after all that time. You never know when that door will open to enable us to leave that depressive past & circumstances behind

thanks for that post eskie...