Going Nowhere, and Never Will

Around a year ago, I was really bad. I just wanted to not be here, for everything to end. All thought were bad. I hated myself for bad, and I just kept a mantra going in my mind. Stupid. Disqusting. Pathetic. A worthless freak. Among many others. It was constant, and it was everyday. I can'tell tell you how many times I locked myself in my room to cry just to feel empty and have no tears come. It was awful. Then I got kind of better. But I realize now that it will never go away. It is not constant, but I have many moments or extreme depression, and it happens several times a day. It gets really bad at night. And I feel my depression is worse now than it was when it was all the time! I don't know what to do! I don't know how to deal with anything! My mind and soul are washed in black. I have long forgotten what hope is, and stopped believing any man would ever even be attracted to me. It's not like they pay attention to me. I have people talking to me, yet they don't see my pain. And when they do, when they ask what's wrong and I say nothing, they shrug and keep going. Wow, thanks! I appreciate it! They say you have to hit rock bottom before getting better, but I feel I will just get worse in an endless black hole before I snap and go crazy. Then I always feel I pretend I have these mental problems when I don't and I feel even worse, which Might be a problem on its own. I think I'm slowly going insaine. Gosh. I hate myself. Too bad I don't have any hope. Maybe it would help to believe I could get better.

The one face besides the last one is NOT supposed to be there.

I'm sorry that it is this bad for you. What is going on in your life? What do you think is making you this depressed ?

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I can't say for sure. I mean, kids never liked me, and I really became antisocial. But around four years ago, my sister kind of went crazy, and it really affected me. I think I already had things, but she triggered it. I ended up with OCD, and that was hard, and I was sad, but then I suddenly got hit with a nonstop wave of depression. A little to just too much. Now it has slowed down, but it is worse, as stated, but I think I'm going crazy. Literally. The more I try to heal, the more I talk to my Psychologist, the worse I get. Maybe I should hold it all in, but it gets worse then as well. I'm so confused!

Are you taking any meds?

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No. I told my Psychologist I want to stay away from medicine. That would just make me more like my sister, which I am trying to avoid. Maybe a stupid move on my part, but still.

I am depressed too but my medication helps . please don't try to compare yourself with your sister. I really think meds would make a difference

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They might. I just feel so stupid. I can'tell even take care of Myself. I have to pay to talk to someone. I must be really pathetic.

I struggle to take care of myself too. I totally lack motivation and its like I don't care about myself and my mind won't let me do things . how do you have to pay to talk to someone ? Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

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I don't tell my family these things, and I try to tell my friends, but I push myself away. Sometimes it's hard to cl anyone a friend. And I feel like such a bother when I do, or that they will think I'm stupid. I have thought about emailing my psychologist, but I know he's probably busy, and I hate to bother him. Can people even do that outside of their sessions?

Just because your sister has issues and, I assume, taking meds does not (a) mean you should not take meds, and (b) does not make you your sister!

If you are experiencing waves of depression throughout the course of a day, you may be experiencing bipolar rapid cycling. This does not typically resolve itself without appropriate therapy, including medication. You may want to consider meeting with a psychiatrist just to get their take on things. It could become clear what it is you are dealing with and what options are available. Arming yourself with knowledge is so much better than not.

I'm sorry for what your are going through!

Yes I think you can email him outside of sessions. I don't have any friends , its my fault, I isolated myself and pushed people away. My family do know about my problems though and they help me quite a lot. I do have other mental health issues aside from depression. I have borderline personality disorder.

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I see a Psychologist. I have written that exact fact down for when I see him next week, so maybe he can help. I would like to not take medication, but if I have to resort to that, I guess I will. I just want it to end, even if I feel it won't. And thanks.

I'm sorry. It must be really tough for you. I took a test on here that said I had a high probability of having BPD, but I did research on BPD for a project, and I don't think that is accurate. I can't imagine how much worse it is for you!

It is hard but the difference from being on antidepressants to not being on them is so big. I was in the depth of despair without them. I'm not saying that you have to take them, of course that's your choice. They don't make everything better but they do take the edge off the pain . then you need a good support network, even on here is a start. I like to email the Samaritans too, I have called them also , sometimes they are helpful, other times not so much .

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I know I need a good group to talk tok, but it is really hard for me. You see, I have a huge problems with trust, and over thinking things. I'm a worrier. The first time I posted on here, I kind of panicked. When I tell people things, I usually think so much about it, that I start thinking of how stupid I sounded, and my mind turns to the worst possible things. I worry so much about what I said, I feel so bad. It'seems really a no win situation. It'seems like I'm just gaging on to the edge of a roof, and it'seems a longoing fall so you try to not look down, but you can't help it. One wrong move and BAM! You're done. That's kind of a good way to explain it, I guess.

Sorry. Gaging is supposed to be hanging. Stupid auto correct.

Pm me any time. (( sad hugs ))

~ Sophie

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Thanks. I'll think about it. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. And look. No auto correct this time.

Darknessforever,
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I am haunted by a ghost of darkness/emptiness, at the worst moments I am incapable of functioning like a normal human, I feel so numb that I can't move or get up from bed. Then get those depression attacks, heart wrenching instopable cries, very disturbing whirlwind of thoughts. Gets worse at night. Have been suffering for six to seven years on and off.
I hate taking medicine too, but the severe episodes subsidies when I take meds. As of now I am on pills, the side effects are severe in the beginning 1-2 weeks then its normal. Right now my mood is neutral, functionable. I literally stay away from thinking or talking to people. I have become a loner since depression came to my life. Talking to people feels pointless. I don't know what I want. I live with my family, they are supportive but they lose it easily, how long can they bear a lifeless girl brooding under their roof. I am a burden, a waste of space.
I never went to therapy/counseling, every time my psychiatrist recommended therapy I stopped seeing her. This time she made it mandatory to go to therapy. I hate talking.
You should try taking medicines, it helps. Weakens the clutch of the ghost you and I are fighting.

I think a lot of people text their therapists between the sessions. I did it. The olnly way I was capable to a certain extent to bring forth some of my feelings, since I don't seem to be able to express them to someone by eye-to-eye contact.

my therapist wasn't allowed to let me have her email
but i so wanted to email her because i can articulate my thoughts in text so much better than trying to be present in the moment and talk about things... my brain does not like that at all and will shut down...

medication is not a cure to these problems, you dont just take a pill and it gets better...
what medication does do is help make the pain more bearable so that we can try to deal with it and work through it and make progress to hopefully get out of this rut of depression and one day not need the meds anymore..

before i started taking medication i was like you, refusing to try any kind of medication... i actually refused to go to a doctor because i just didnt want to admit there was a problem, but eventually i went and talked to a doctor and he talked to me about depression and wanted me to try an antidepressant... i tried it for a month or 2 but was drinking so heavily that i couldn't realize any difference...
so i flushed the pills and drank myself blind for another year and snapped to reality , like, hey i have a serious problem... and went back to the doctor and he put me on zoloft and klonopin... i was terrified of the klonopin because my aunt had taken it for ever and everyone always made jokes about it being some crazy medication that crazy people take and that if i took it then it would make me like her... but thats not the case at all - thats the stigma that has been created around all of this...

after i finally tried the klonopin i loved them because they helped so much!
and they didn't make me into a crazy person or cause me to pass out from being doped up or whatever... they just helped me to relax and be able to be more calm...
they didn't cure me, but they helped...

medications effect everyone a little differently, everyone has different reactions...
don't listen to the stigmas about these things...
medications are like a crutch to help you walk until you can walk on your own...

that being said, i dont think everyone should take medications... i think meds should only be considered when your problem has been ongoing and is really effecting your life... in your case it seems that you are in a position as such...
so maybe considering it isn't such a bad idea... i might would be dead right now if it wasn't for medications...

just because your sister is struggling with something else that might scare you a little doesn't mean that you will or are or anything like that...
you are your own person and your symptoms are going to be different...
even if you have the same thing she has, the symptoms would be different because everyones symptoms are a little different...

taking me for example... i have severe major depressive disorder... but i find it in myself to keep pushing myself, to keep trying to find a light to follow and trying really hard to be optimisitc even though i have been dealing with this my whole life...
i don't meet other people with depression that are able to do that...
and it makes me feel like other people dont take me seriously sometimes because i do this... on the surface i appear normal, alot of people would just say that im quiet sometimes but really friendly - but underneath there is a brutal war ongoing that i do cover up... so i do understand how you feel.. just need to consider all of your options... i know this is what i have been doing for the past 5-6 years... trying to work something out some way to make things just a little better...

and i was even misdiagnosed and treated for bipolar for 4 years... psychiatric hospital once for 8 days... while on all those meds and the people there trying to talk to me about bipolar and confusing the hell out of me because i dont have bipolar... they just made me feel more crazy because i couldn't understand how they were claiming i was bipolar... im sort of a researcher so i obsess over knowledge... so i had already researched all the bipolar stuff, all the other psychological issues and pretty much concluded that i had MDD but no one would listen to me because they just kept saying i was manic and i couldn't see it

but my point is, education is important as medication...
need to understand what is going on with you so that you can fight it...
understand the enemy and its weaknesses...

if you hear voices, it doesnt make you crazy... it just means that there is something in your brain creating these things... its all chemicals... and i honestly dont know how a huge number more people don't have things such as hallucinations or voices.. as crazy as the world has become today...
stuff like that doesn't make you crazy... its just the same as any other illness that causes distress... it just happens to have a lot of stigma wrapped around it because "normal" people are afraid of what they dont understand... and they dont teach this kind of stuff in schools...

we're all unique and face different symptoms... we have different coping skills...

i've read alot about these disorders... and i find it really fascinating... but i am quite obsessive with things that interest me... i guess psychology interests me because i do suffer from these things...

im rambling a bit, but my point is it sounds like you are doing what i did... besides you are talking to a psychologist, which i didnt do... until i figured it was time to really get professional help... and by that time i still didnt want to take a bunch of "crazy" pills... but slowly i learned how they can help... and they dont make you crazy...
just have to becareful that your doctor doesn't put you on 9 different meds at once like mine did... its easy to become overmedicated...

now im only taking wellbutrin (not taking any of that stuff they had me on for bipolar..)
and they wont let me have the klonopin back because she isn't comfortable treating me and i refuse to go back to the old psychiatrist because he's a jerk and wouldn't listen to me...

i just wanna say to consider all your options... educate yourself.. ask about medications that could help... research them a little... dont have to take anything right off and doc wont make you take something... but they really might help...

the wellbutrin has helped me only a little because antidepressants dont really help me much, but it has brought me up enough to get out of bed and not feel like a dead man... helping me eat so i dont go days/weeks without eating...

stay strong...

Well, I don't hear voices, but I feel attacked by Satan a lot. It's like a never ending stream, worse at night, that makes my heart hurt. I will be sure to tell my Psychologist what everyone thinks, but I'm not saying I will take any medication. Thank you for the advice.

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sometimes i feel like demons are inside of me/ surrounding me too...
but i lost all of my religious faith and am almost simply an atheist anymore... only thing keeping me from being an atheist is that i just cant see how there isnt more to life than this physical realm...

even if satan is attacking you, i'd give him hell...

Yeah. I guess. But I'm trying my hardest to keep my faith. I would not be here without it. Then I causes more pain. But I am still here because of it, and can heal through it. It will just take time.

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