Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

After a great day yesterday I had weird dreams. I woke up feeling weird.

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I had a really bad night's sleep. I had nightmares my abuser tracked me down and started harassing me using phone calls. Luckily, my anti-nightmare meds make it so that even if I have a bad dream, I'm not terrified while its happening. I will wake up unhappy, but not petrified.

i'm feeling pretty good. not sure if it's the alcohol but i'll take it. in any case i'm eating pizza now and it's wearing off. plan to drink beers later though. can't wait.

at least i have things to look forward to today. also taking an increased interest in spirituality again suddenly, for some reason.

Today was a typical Saturday. Busy but nothing much socially. I told my friend (by email) that I'm going to another church. I'm wondering if this is a right decision for me. It seems like for a good long time I have not found a church I really liked. I don't know why that is. I feel like my friend and I will not see each other that much anymore if I choose to go to another church. So I hope that this will not be a mistake. It feels like it's a gamble.

I was feeling pretty good early in the day. But in the mid-afternoon, my mood just sank. Feeling very alone. Also I feel bad about my sister not calling me anymore. She says that she's very busy with her kids. She's the only one I have in my family that's left now. And our relationship is dying.

For right now, I'm off to my bike ride. Maybe that will make me feel better. I feel like I have a good dinner lined up after that, and a movie tonight.

Hi, will19. When I suggested that you try a different church because you feel ignored at your friend's church, I mean that only if you feel strong enough to switch. I don't want you to lose your friend over which church is best for you.

Hi everyone,
I'm feeling very alone tonight, lost, so as I usually do I check how everyone is doing. Feels like I'm empty. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight and wake up feeling less like life is always just a battle. Good thoughts to you all.

thanks again for not helping me, mom! i know i can always count on you for that!

I'm feeling down today. My friend cancelled our plans for the day and it has left me disappointed.

My husband has the house in a mess. And I hate it when it's in a mess. It leaves me unsettled.

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Technically, my depression has been practically gone since I started meds - the things that would normally trigger me now barely affect me, or only do so for a short time, or to a much less extreme degree. It's a relief, but it's also...dull. I feel so empty and listless.

I still lack any motivation, and I've been sleeping more often. Nothing interests me, and even when I have things that need doing, I can't make myself care enough. You hear about people who don't want to get better, who like being depressed? I'm one of them. It's supposed to be sick and immature, bad in every way but it's true. Those wild mood swings were a part of me, they were who I am. Those daily crises too, even after I stopped writing about them out of shame, that cycle was still so...normal. I kind of miss it, but I'm also so happy to be free of it.

I really am crazy, huh?

having a tough time. i just feel so unlovable. i'm ashamed and embarrassed of who i am.

Still can't shake this blah feeling. It's nice and sunny outside and yet I sit here in my apartment with the blinds closed not wanting to interact with anyone.

I went to a different church today. I went to a different church from where my friend goes for the second week in a row. This time I went to a different church from last week. I went to a church that's literally next door to where I live. It seemed alright, but it's like 'I don't know'.

My friend called me today. It just feels weird that we are talking and yet not going to the same church. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I'm very confused about it. I hate that going to a new church experience. But I felt like I should have done it a long time ago.

Other than that I went on a two hour bike ride, which is the most I have done in one day in a while. But I'm trying to get it to three hours, like I used to. Nothing much else to report about today. Very dull day socially.

Feeling pretty lost today. Not really sure what to do. Trying to talk to people about my feelings because they want to try to help but they cant help me. And i cant tell them that they cant help me because the last time i did it hurt them. So im just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Hasn't been the worst day in the world for me, but not the best either. Lots of worries on my mind, I just hope to find a way to escape the pressures and random bursts of crying and just relax awhile.

I did an exercise where we had to think about our favorite place when we were a child. Then we went there. And then we said hello to that child, to us. It was like being part of the movie "Inception." I have started going to meet the child or young adult in me, and I am much kinder and less judgemental of myself, I comfort myself instead. The next step I am going to do is take myself out for outings and to buy things, just like I do for my children. I am not sure how eating a packet of cookies fits into my enlightened approach, maybe I will get a little smarter and mostly stay the same old me who worries a lot.

Having another sad day, no apparent reason. I just feel like crying, still have no motivation. I need some divine intervention.

I can't function anymore, unless things are 100% going right. Any little bit of stress just sends me over the edge and I lose it. That's the only time I feel anything anymore. It's only been a week since I last saw my T, but it feels like lifetimes. I'm having really bad, almost constant, depersonalization and derealization.

Today was a pretty good day today. It seemed like everything was going right. A nice kind of day. Work was pretty busy, which I enjoy. The workout went well after work; and I had the pool area to myself.

My friend went out for the evening. I missed his calls because I got tied up. Maybe tomorrow night we'll talk. I miss talking to him; but I miss seeing him. We don't get together that much.

Just a lot.of stress and confusion, having hard time telling what's real and what isn't, not feeling like myself, this depression won't lift. Going to tell my therapist at my appointment later today about what has been going on with me and see what she thinks.

Feeling so down about myself.

Anxious about my ssdi resert.

Why did i waste so much time being a loser
I really hate myself.

I'm starting to feel my exhaustion and depression take over again. I was having such a great couple of days. I'm really scared.

I don't want to be sad again, I'm trying to stay positive and stay around my boyfriend. But each passing day is starting to claw at my brain and eat away at me. I hate this feeling, because some days aren't that bad. Some days actually fun and bright. But others are unbearable.

I didn't think my Summer vacation would be so bad. I hope this depressive episode doesn't last too long. Because it's approaching me fast and all I can do is brace myself.

I wish everyone here who's having a rotten day the best of luck. I hope you all find hope and positivity in something.

I'm going to bed.

So I'm getting ready to.ride my bike to the office in an attempt to do this a couple of times a week and lose weight. We'll see how I feel about the commute. I tried it on a weekend when there was no traffic but it's always different during the week when there is traffic.

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I really want my bike that's in storage. I'm not even sure if I can ride all the crazy hills up and down here. But I want to try. I miss the lake side bike path so much.

I ended up bailing on the bike ride to work. Maybe I will try tomorrow though. I just need to do it two times a week.

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It can cut down on gas and car repairs money. I enjoy my bike a lot as a low cost transportation vehicle. Or at least I used to.