Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I've spent most of the day ruminating about my session this morning. I've been trying to figure out what it is about my therapy that makes me feel so terrible after each session, and during them too. I think I've come to the conclusion that my T makes things sound too easy, which might be part of the problem I think we have about the job I have. I know that the things she suggests I try doing to reduce my depression make sense, and are pretty commonly recommended. I get the purpose for doing them, and how they are supposed to help. And my T knows that I know these things. But she seems to simplify them, like I should be able to pick up these skills the first or second time I try them. And when they don't work, she suggests some other skills for a few weeks before going back to the things I've already tried. And it's making me want to beat myself up (not literally) every time I talk to her, because I feel like I should be able to make it as easy as it sounds. But it isn't easy, and she doesn't get it, and it makes me want to scream.

I almost made it through the day without feeling like a complete failure. But this afternoon I found out that I did some paperwork wrong that affects our revenue. It was my first time filling out that particular part of the paperwork, but until my supervisor left I sat here in fear that I was going to be punished somehow for my mistake. I still feel like it's going to happen.

Then, to top my day off, I was going to take my shoes off for the last few hours of work, because I'm closed in my office alone doing paperwork. I bought these sandals 2 weeks ago and have had a hard time adjusting to them, because they rub on the backs of my heels. The first week I wore them they didn't even break the skin by rubbing, but over this last weekend I noticed thick scabs over the spots that had been rubbed. I decided to take a chance on them today, put bandaids on before work, but they fell off within about an hour of leaving the house. Then when I was going to take them off, I found one of the scabs had rubbed off sometime during the day and the whole back of my heel was covered in blood. Even got some on the hem of my pants. Guess I should've listened to myself last night and worn regular shoes until they healed completely.

Totally down day today. I am having nightmares while awake and I cannot keep the tears from flowing. I am a total mess!!:sob.

My very dysfunctional family has been greatly on my mind today. And I feel trapped where I'm being forced to live right now. I was told this would be a place of transition but it's sent me down deeper into the black hole; still, I hang on to hope I can eventually crawl out and start to heal.

--Ceara1010

It's still very hot outside, but it's cooled down somewhat. Still it's too hot for me. I tend to get depression during the spring and summer. I tend to get it more when it's hot outside and they daylight is long; like now.

I worked out and it went well. Went to the pool area and the people there ruined it for me. I wish that winter would hurry up and get here!

it got bad again. mom and i fought. i said i forgive her but i don't. actually she didn't say sorry, i did. but i can't trust her. and i'm tired of her acting like her entire life depends on me. she's so manipulative, i told her that too.

truth is, i'm just done. nobody cares. people say otherwise but then where the **** are they? nobody loves me. what's the use?

again, i need to be held and nobody's here. it's always like this,

story of my life: go through years of ****, something good happens to me for a little while and i'm GENUINELY HAPPY for once, said something gets ripped away from me and everything is **** again.

when my life falls apart in one area the others tend to follow.

i don't want to do this anymore. i have to. but oh god there's just nothing good at all, nothing good here for me.

wishing i could curl up in to a ball and hide

horrible last few days..

There's always something, isn't there? I try so ******* hard to just take things easy, trying to reduce my stress so I can not be overwhelmed. Then I walk in to work and am dumped on with stress and problems. Maybe it's my fault for chosing to work in this kind of job. I just want one day where I can feel good about myself and whatever happens that day. Just one. Why is that so much to ask?

so much derealization... feeling ****ed up, not in a good way. everything is odd.

Going to force myself to get out of here for a walk, pay a bill... feeling like depression is just going to be my normal forever. Supposed to think positive, be grateful for what I have but there's been little pleasure and I just dread getting older and more unhealthy, so I better try to push myself. I can't change the past so I have to work with what I have now.

Doing okay, fending off ruminative thoughts, delving more into spirituality for some reason. Feeling stuck nonetheless.

This is only my second post, have been reading other's postings, giving out a few hugs and generally feeling despair for some of the posts I've read .. a lot of people having super hard times.
Today, for me, is full of anxiety and nerves leading hopefully not! into a deeper mood. After a bout of upset stomach (IBS-D) for two nights, my meds. (Risperidone and Nortriptyline) didn't have time to be absorbed. The consequences being I am feeling quite off and having a very difficult time controlling my crying and temper ..sigh. I just hope tomorrow may be better. At least I see my therapist on Friday. It may help her if she sees me arriving 'as a basket case'.

I am usually anxious before logging on here everyday. I feel a sense of danger, often associated with posts I've written. At first I thought it might be a self-confidence thing, a negative self-talk thing. But it just occurred to me that it might be also be because I'm starting to push my self to open up here--I feel danger because opening up probably makes me feel vulnerable.

I know that feeling in danger here will make me susceptible to getting triggered so I need to be careful and stay calm if I react to anything. So far, it's only happened once, and i actually only just now see how what I did was partially a response to being triggered.

Anyway, I'm still plugging away, floating, not yet sinking.....

--Ceara1010

I actually brushed my teeth today.

I think I've been pushing myself too hard the past couple of days, I feel like I broke something in my head. Having a lot of derealization/depersonalization feelings this week, and irrational fears. I need to figure out something to do tonight to take care of myself, or tomorrow is going to be a disaster.

I'm thankful today, nothing much happened, but I didn't feel extremely depressed or anxious.

So I'm having to reflect on that line of the wonderful "Serenity Prayer" about accepting the things we cannot change.

I cannot change my so incredibly dysfunctional family. I cannot do anything about their commitment to dishonesty.

And I cannot change a decision I made 17 years ago that doomed me to experience a course of events that has led me to be trapped now and very dependent on my so incredibly dishonest, dysfunctional family.



--Ceara1010

was fine, now suddenly slammed with sadness and feelings of being unloved and uncared

i'm tired

Keep falling into the bad thoughts cycle, but doing okay otherwise

I don't know what to say today. That's where I'm at.

It was not busy today at work. Yesterday it was not busy also, but I had to fill in for the maintenance man while he's gone. He's going to be out for a month because of surgery. Yesterday, a couple of urinals clogged up in one of the restrooms, so I had to attend to it. I called someone to come and fix it because I could not repair it myself. I have very little maintenance experience; so I'm hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong. It's equivalent of someone who has a philosophy degree and ends up having to work with quantum physics.

Things went downhill a little bit after I took my bike ride late this afternoon. My dinner that I prepared for myself didn't turn out so good. That rarely happens for me (I don't mean to sound conceited). And then when I went to the pool area, the hot tub did not work.

I have to be very thankful that those are my only problems that I have.

I have been 34 for 4 minutes.

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Happy Birthday!

Everything has been clumsy for me since I fell on the stairs (3weeks ago) and off my bed last Saturday. I'm either dropping heavy things, or tripping, or accidentally burning myself on the stove or oven. It will get better. :/

I'm glad that the working week is over with for now. It seemed like in the last couple of days, there had been problems that I had been asked to look into and can't fix them. Such a frustrating feeling and a lot of self-loathing comes with it.

Just today I got notified that a fuser in one of the office copiers is low and needs replacing. I can't believe it because me and another worker put a new fuser in two weeks ago. They last for a whole year on the average. And the two of us struggled to put it together. It's very involved and complicated to do it. And I'm not that experienced in dealing with it.