Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I'm frustrated right now as I'm having some technical (computer, Internet) issues that I won't bore anyone with.

Guess right now would be a good time to practice those self-soothing methods we have talked about in the support chats.


--Ceara1010

I actually got myself out of the house and went strawberry picking with my mom. We used to go all the time when I was little so it felt nice. It was only 15 min away from home so while I definitely had anxiety, I kept talking myself down and reminding myself that if I felt too tired or overwhelmed it was a quick drive back to safety. This is the first time I've been out of the house for any reason other than a doc appt in...well a long time. Over a month. It's amazing how completely depression can suck you into such a tiny bubble. I start a PHP program for depression on Monday so I'm glad I had this little exposure over the weekend to show myself that I can leave the safety of my room and not completely break down. Plus I had forgotten how amazing strawberries are when they are warm from the sun and freshly picked. Trying to hang on to the little moments which hopefully will help me find happiness again sometime soon.

Today was the usual Saturday. Very busy with running around, but very lonely. It's been hot outside and it's supposed to get hotter tomorrow and Monday.

congratulations!

that's cool- and strawberries are nice.

Today I woke up exhausted for the first time in about a week. None of my meds have changed. I'm guessing it has to do with the fact I was in bed at 6:30pm last night and never woke up until about 1am to pee. I eventually fell back to sleep until about 7am. I've been feeling up and down recently, having SI about a week or so ago, which obviously is not a good thing. I think the stress of having my brother staying with me and having to move is causing me to stress, on top of working about 50 hours a week.

i am sitting on my chair at my desk, posting on this forum doing aboslutely sod all else

their's nothing to be done.. i find that when their's nothing actually to be done, i'll just do nothing

did take a shower today though, so today's not entirely been wasted (though the shower has made me feel disgusting)

I had a good day yesterday, but today is a little sad as it is Father's Day and I had planned to spend the weekend home, bit then didn't as they had relatives visiting.

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My friend keeps saying I need a counsellor. I am going to join a group of women who journal all their experiences and then share them. If I sat and talked to someone I would just use all the deflections skills I have learnt to hide from my mom and ex. I have a lot of stories that need to be told. I also want to tell stories to do with my present, with the outside world. I am stuck in my head, in my past, isolated, I would like to connect with other people even if it is just a cotton thread between us. I think I am out of the whirlpool I created from my past.

Good morning everyone. Reporting here I hope everyone is ok and fighting their depression remember we are soldiers we fight a battle unlike any other battle, because it never ends. Happy Father's Day for fathers in the US and other places where this wonderful day is celebrated to honor fathers.

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Not much of a day so far. Very hot outside and I thinks it's going to be a little bit hotter tomorrow. I don't feel like doing anything. I really hate hot weather.

I went to a church this morning that I had not been to in about 25 years. It had changed so much. I didn't recognize anybody I saw. And the whole inside of the church looks completely different from the last time I was there. Not sure if I'm going to like going there in the future.

My friend called me after I came back from that church. I feel like it would be hard to leave where we both go, but I just don't like it anymore. Today I had a good excuse for not going there. There was a substitute preacher there that I didn't like that much. But I don't know how am I going to handle the rest of the times.

Still trying to get throughout this hard times.

Last night, another somewhat frustrating evening with my sister as she can be soooo difficult to communicate with. She can pick an argument about the weirdest stuff. (Although she did apologize after one argument she picked, which is unusual.) I would really love to record one of our evenings together and play it back for her so she can hear herself as she fusses about the most ridiculous things, twists my words, and picks arguments over things I didn't say or didn't bring up almost as if it's a creative way for her to change the subject and direct the conversation into a contest she thinks she is most likely to win.

But last night, what was most frustrating, and somewhat painful, is she more fully clarified her position regarding the years of stalking I've been enduring and that has given me severe PTSD. In recent months, she has told me that she knows I'm not lying about it, and that I'm not delusional about it. But what she added last night was that she has trouble believing anyone would do the things this person has been doing and she is more likely to believe it's a ghost haunting me. She is a very smart, ivy-league educated woman and she said this seriously.

I had no idea what to say to that. I guess I could argue it from her current position. I guess I could say, ghosts haunt a dwelling where they died and I know the history of my condo and no one died there. Also, it all began at my apartment, going on for years there, and followed me when I moved to the condo, and hauntings don't shift from house to house. None of this fits what we know about ghosts, but I would feel like an idiot arguing this because there's no such thing as ghosts.

Anyway, I'm a little dumbfounded today because of this new revelation. So, I don't know where I'm at right now. It is very, very hard when you have been severely abused by someone and people insist it didn't happen. But acknowledging it's been happening but is being perpetrated by a ghost is a form of denial that I've never heard before. Talk about reaching...

--Ceara1010

I didn't have classes in the past four weeks... I have been studying and finishing some papers, but no classes.
Tomorrow is the first day of my last class as a medical student. I haven't seen my school mates in a while and I have been living these past weeks at my own pace. I don't like that I will have to break my rytmh... But I was getting use to this no pressure life style, now I have schedules.
This afternoon was my sister birthday party. By the way she entered in psychiatry, it was her dream, and now I am going to have a psychiatrist in the family, I am very happy and proud of her.
Long story short:at the party I end up gathering with some relatives that I don't see frequently. And this made me be aware of my social anxiety... Not things that others could notice. But the uncomfortable feeling inside, even next to a teenager cousin or a child of another cousin.
I went to Brussels the other day, a trip also rich in stories that should deserved to be told... But I just want to tell about mine that nobody realized. We went on a tour through the city with a guide and before the tour started she told us to introduce ourselves to somoene in the group that we didn't know. This lead me to a feeling of panic inside... Luck mine, everyone turned to somoene and there wasn't anybody near that still hadn't find a pair. So I didn't have to interact with someone know. But I can say, for some moments it really scared me.

It's been over a year since my friend left and I still miss her horribly. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I know deep down that we will/can never be together, but there's still that small irrational part of me that thinks "maybe someday". Hopefully some day I'll get over her, but I don't see it happening any time soon and it's tearing me apart. Don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

All I want to do is stay here curled up in bed today. I feel like I can't function in any way anymore, and I just don't even want to try. I don't want to see my T this morning, I really don't think she'll have anything useful to say. She'll just quietly disapprove of my not doing my homework from her. I don't want to work anymore either. I'm just so afraid of failing.

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When I woke up yesterday morning, the night table was askew, and my bottle of generic Tylenol was all over the floor. I had absolutely no memory of falling off my bed, but it happens a lot that I have to put my phone out of danger because I start falling asleep holding it.

So, now, I have fallen asleep sitting on the edge of my bed. The tizanidine and vistaril give me amnesia. Oh, great, now the janitor is playing with some new chemical whose fumes are just coming up now.

I'm supposed to go to the clinic today. I missed the past two appointments due to my phobia of the stairs. If I don't go today, it's likely they'll discharge me from being a patient there. I will have to go today and I'm just freaking out already because I don't know how I'll get back up. The only way is to force myself up, but I fell down on my knees the last time I did it. He might give me 10 gabapentin to hold me over until I get an appointment someplace else. I'm disgusted with them. That they put me in this position. I am disgusted and terrified.

I'm likely to fall again, but not necessarily in my sleep. On my knees or ankles from the stairs. I'm so upset. :thumbdown:

I have a **** load of writing to do today for work and can't seem to get into my groove. I am contemplating going home to work because I think I could get the right environment going there. But we shall see..I'm going to try and get on task here at work and see if I can't power through. There's a method to my madness but I don't know if I can duplicate it here at work right now.

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I had to call and tell them I still couldn't get up the stairs. They kept saying you want to come in tomorrow, etc. What can I say when I can't go up or down the stairs. This is a very clumsy dangerous time for me. I fell off my bed on Saturday night and had no memories of it!

Oh my God. So she said he will call me but what is going to be different about the stairs? Does no one get it that I can't do the stairs yet?

Saw T this morning, and that just increased my frustration. She can finally see that I'm doing really badly, and said that this is the worst she's ever seen me. But she still doesn't get my lack of energy and motivation. I don't believe she has ever experienced depression herself. She keeps trying to get me to challenge my negative thoughts and set goals to get myself to do things during the day and after work, but when I'm honest about what I think I can get done it doesn't seem like enough to her. Yes, I complain about not having the motivation or energy to keep my apartment clean, but after an emotionally draining session with her and a 10-hour work day, I'm not going to go home and clean anything. I'm going to go home and sit on the couch, like I do every night. I'm really starting to see how her style does not work for me, which is making me even more anxious for the appointment I have next week with a new T. I just need to figure out now how to ask her about her style so I can determine if it will work or not.

Don't know what to do, been depressed for the past couple of months, I just want to lay in bed all day everyday, even on days I have appointments (I can't stay in bed on those days, but I want to). Been feeling like nothing is real, and that I'm not real, that everything I see is an illusion. I just don't know what to do, I can't take antidepressants due to (hypo)manic/psychotic episodes. I want to up my Lamictal, going to have to ask my psychiatrist in July. But for now, it's days in bed...

Life is such a struggle with so very very few moments in between that I feel somewhat content. I need to make something of myself but it's so easy to just sit here and give up. I don't care too much that I'm not someone with a fantastic job or success, but I do wish there was something that I was doing that was meaningful and helpful to others. I overdid using my benzo's yesterday and now I feel numb, it definitely doesn't help depression. I don't want to rely on pills to sleep but after so many years I don't think I'll ever be rid of them. Well typing here does always help a little.

my feelings keep wavering, from okay to hopeless, and i want it to stop. i just want to be okay. i need to be okay for tonight. i can't be in a negative headspace to do what i'm wanting to do.

just get your **** together april!

Been feeling crappy all day, had some minor anxiety/worry, but it seems to have dissipated in some real world positives (I have a new job - only a week after getting fired!). Here's hoping things perk back up.

I think I've been confusing love with gratitude. I've been questioning and reviewing some feelings, and considering that my memory is mostly good, I think I haven't been feeling certain emotions when I think I should (at least towards my parents). I've realized that even as a toddler, it wasn't the time with them that I liked, but what they presented. I like my friends just fine, but my parents? Despite being with them for most of my life so far, paying attention to their personality, talking to them, and experiencing things with them, I guess I like what they do and did, and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it as a result. I'm not shallow, since I like my friends for their personalities, but it's a little hard to put into words how I really feel about my parents.