Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Maybe the name is derealization

It was a neurological illness too. I'll have to see if I can find it.

Maybe this is it, but I thought it was a different type of name, like a syndrome


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2848104/

Or maybe this http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2848104/

I'm sure most of what I'm feeling is derealization/depersonalization. I'm going to need to address that part when I finally get another appointment with my new therapist.

I think I've heard of that before. What I'm feeling is kind of the opposite, though. I'm not feeling like I recognize people or places that I don't know, it's the familiar things that feel alien to me. Even myself. I had a panic attack in my last therapy session because T had me look in a mirror and talk about myself.

I thought the issue had applicable qualities also stemming from strokes or seizures. I never had any seizures until I was forced off of benzos. I'll keep trying to find the info I found before.

Even with experiencing psychiatric conditions, it's maybe more of a chance it has a physical counterpart behind it.

That will be something good for me to look into in the future. I really haven't done much exploring into whatever is wrong with me. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression in high school, and we've just gone with that every other time I've been in therapy. I think this time I need some more in-depth testing and exploring of what's going on. And I think that the new thearpist I found might be perfect for that. I just need to get the words out.

A much better day today, at least emotionally. Work was pretty slow. Some of the problems that I could not deal with at work is on the way to be taken care of. I would feel much better if everything was working. I would feel even much better if I could have fixed them myself.

My foot is still bothering me. I made an appointment with the regular medical doctor and see what can be done. I seems OK when I get out of bed, but the swelling increases during the day.

My friend just called me. He seemed out of it tonight. It kind of brought my feeling down.

I'm hypomanic but I have the flu, so it's slowing me down. I don't want the flu, but it's keeping my mood in check.

I'm going on vacation for two weeks this Saturday. I need to do laundry and start thinking about packing. I like vacations but don't like packing and unpacking.

I'm wondering if the time change will affect my mood state. The vacation itself will be relaxing and low-key, which is good. I don't like vacations that are so busy that you feel like you need a vacation from the one you just returned from!

It's 1 am and I can't sleep guess I should go to a different room..... nah why?

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A little depressed because I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I was pretty sure I wanted to start a business but I didn't realize what it really entailed until I started reading yesterday. I'm afraid my depression will get in the way of me running a business, which is depressing me further.

I went for a mile walk!!! For the first time in 3 weeks! I'm feeling energized and ready to go. Except for my neck muscles being flared up and inflamed

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I've been having trouble sleeping, I think work is making me anxious, even though things have been good since my vacation.

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I'm nocturnal and anxious. I have chosen an unconventional career path and I am anxious about whether or not things are going to work out for me. I think about it the entire day. I look around and I see people do great things with their lives and make it big. I'm not jealous or anything, but I do feel resentful towards life every now and then. I feel like it's one problem after the next in what appears to be a never-ending sequence of problems. It's like I can never escape this state of mind. It's terrible to feel worthless.

Feeling kind of OK today, but now feeling depressed. The workout went OK. I met a guy at the pool area where I live. He looked like he could be around my age. He told me that he was married; and he had met his wife by on line dating. I remembered that I did on line dating and it didn't work out very well. This guy didn't seem appealing. Every guy that I ever knew doing on line dating never had any luck. And it seemed like they had more going than this guy did.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for that swollen leg and foot. I'm really dreading it. Also my friend emailed me saying that I could pick him up at a place and he'd go with me. I feel like I can't do it because the place is out of the way and I only have a limited amount of time between leaving work and having to be there.

It seems like in my life I'm having to be accommodating to others and no one is being accommodating to me. That has me very discouraged.

trigger-

I ended up having suicidal thoughts at my therapy session yesterday. It happened because I'm mad at t. I'm safe, I'm just fed up it has gotten to the point where I think about suicide too often.

Been better lately, but easily stressed out and sad. Still little motivation, absolutely no drive for life, I don't even know what to do with myself.

Feeling so,so bad...i feel like i`m going to be fired soon from my work and my co workers and shunning me out because of my orientation... i know it`s even worse but with all that`s happening around me,i find solace in alcohol and being alone.

I'm doing great; and, this the season I am usually at my worst Depression. All my hospitalizations have occured during summer. So, it is an odd feeling to be enjoying the summer instead of sick about the fact it is going by without me.

The difference? I have made a schedule of activities for the duration of the season. Sure I won't make all of them but even doing a couple is better than none. Thus far I have been pretty good at participating. I suppose, since Canada Day I am now 5 for 7.

This does take effort; and, some of thses activities mean doing so with others. Thus, I do have others - who are aware of my tendancy for procrastination - to urge me on.

omg i feel so awful, i cant get anything done today. my place is a mess.. i invited someone over to give me motivation and it's not working.... usually it makes me get up and do something. i might cancel it. f i'm so sick of living this way

I went to the doctor's office today about my swollen leg and foot. The doctor gave me some medicine and some special compression sox to tighten the swelling. My doctor ordered me not to go to work tomorrow. So I called my manager about it. Felt very guilty because I didn't expect to be ordered to not go to work. Also I have to rest and elevate for the whole weekend. My doctor seemed edgy today. She didn't act like her usual self and that was a big disappointment.

Feeling very depressed about all of this. I didn't go to the pool area tonight and I miss it. But maybe I need this little rest for myself. I honestly needed a little break from work. It's been a while since I've had some time off.

Did your doctor say what the problem is? For my worst episodes of swelling, they just give me water pills, like Lasix, and tell me to eat a banana and drink orange juice, every day I use the Lasix. I'm not sure if they have reasons to not do that, if maybe they suspect it's due to a cardiac issue.

The last time I had really bad swelling, I couldn't get to the clinic because I couldn't get any of my shoes to go on over the massive swelling. That was in 2013. And that's why I always keep Lasix on hand in case it happens again. I had that horrible swelling for 6 weeks! I was elevating all the time, also trying to exercise my foot too.

I hope your swelling will go away asap. And I hope your doctor doesn't think it's a more serious condition.

i am feeling good!

it's friday, i've (barely) got through the week, and later i'm having my take out meal- and horrible histories delivered from amazon

I'm staying home from work today. I have mixed feelings about it. Felt very depressed before breakfast. I really didn't feel the need to stay home but my doctor yesterday ordered me to. So far I'm taking it easy. My friend might join me later today but I don't know if he will. It's a drag feeling all alone. But it's nice to have some time to myself.

The one best friend I have left called yesterday & since it was a good talk I felt so much better. I need friends so much. But I'm having the most awful time trying to do anything good for myself. I'm so afraid of almost everything.

I know what that's like.