Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I'm not important or special to anybody. I'm falling apart but no one is worried about me, not even my own parents. I'm not on anybody's mind. It just... hurts.

I moved.... WHY???? Now there's more issues. I'm screaming yet trying to remain calm....

Can't admit it irl....but i do need help

When is anybody going to care where I end up? When it's too late.

I'm sorry to those of you who are hurting today
I had a very rough past few days but today was much better so I'm at least feeling a bit more hopeful.

Anonymous ranting sites are my new friends.

An OK kind of day today. Went back to work after a three day weekend. It always feels weird to come back to work after a weekend. I have not worked out in a while because of a sore arm and shoulder. It gets better and then it flares up unexpectically. I am getting very impatient.

Pool area was very nice tonight. It feels like the worst is over for the year there. But I may be speaking too soon. It was all great, and then when I got out, my downstairs neighbor came the opposite way to walk her dog. That really ruined it. Needless to say that we didn't say a word to each other.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's all I can say

Hi!

I am having good luck today, despite the delivery guy was totally pissed off at me and I'm not sure why.

I have to call now and reschedule my appointment because I can't do the stairs without help. I am so worried that my pdoc will disappear like my PCP did, without a word or a trace.

I'm so worried and afraid.

I feel like I have been ripped apart from the inside out.

The pain I feel becomes so unbearable. Trying to stay away from self harm

I dont get how some can be so selfish.so hurtful.and why i put up with that...
Better than being alone?? NO! But somewhere inside....maybe...
Been burned so much...only a few connections left...I just cant deal..

Not much to say. Have been sitting most of the day trying to study.
Have been experiencing some headaches, every page is a huge effort, and I am afraid about the outcome. So many little details and so little patience.
Must of the time I think the outcome won't be good. There's so much competition! But I keep pushing.

Been sitting in the doc's office for over two hours! Ready to G-O up outta here! About to climb the walls!

A very slow day at work today, so the day seemed to drag. This may sound very weird, but I felt like I had an OCD moment this morning. I went to the medical lab at 7AM; and when I got there, I got thinking to myself that I had not blown out a candle that I lit at breakfast. I light a candle for breakfast sometimes now that it's dark when I get up. So instead of getting my blood drawn, I decided to go back home and check on the candle. IT HAD BEEN BLOWN OUT! I was relieved but felt humiliated on the inside. So I'll have to go to the lab tomorrow morning. No appointment was necessary.

Other than that, I feel better emotionally tonight. It's a cooler night now.

This week has been torture. Went away for the weekend, and I didn't want to come back. I finally found somewhere where I'm happy and feel good without any effort, and I'm stuck away for who knows how long. We'll go back on vacation, I'm sure, but who knows how long before we can move. We need money, and I'm not completely qualified for the job I want there, but we both want to go right now.

Thankfully meeting with my GP and pdoc tomorrow. I need to get off benzos, and maybe try something different for antidepressants.

Totally relate

Wow. Not sure I should jump in here. Um. Yeah. Well, I am feeling down, but not that down, at least I have my independence!

I finally got my blood drawn at the medical lab today. It was the third try to go there. As they say, third time's a charm! I did not get my result yet. I have a tendency to worry a whole lot. I hope that it will not be bad news.

Was slow at work today. But busy after that. I got talking to an immediate neighbor of mine and she told me that she's considering selling her place. Well, I had been thinking about doing that myself. So I wonder, if I decide to sell, will she sell her place, too? But she has said that before. Of course, I have said that for myself before, too.

I met a nice guy to chat with at the pool area. When I got into the hot tub a woman was there whom I had not seen in a long time. She was OK to talk to. And then that guy came in. He and I got talking for a bit and then she dominated the conversation with him, talking about WWE (pro wrestling) stuff in which I have no idea of what it is. Fortunately, she left and then he and I chatted. It was a lot better. He said that he would pray for me for my blood test result. But he was with other people, too, after that woman left. But it seemed like he was totally focused on me. So great to finally meet someone I can share things in common with. That had been a struggle for me for such a long time.

It was not a real good day today. I got my result from the lab and it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. So I'll have to have medication. But if that does not work, then I may have a serious health issue. When I got the news I felt like I was in a bad dream.

It was not busy at work today. One bit of good news is that my shoulder and arm pain is almost all gone. I've had it for a few weeks. I went bike riding. Went to the pool area and the hot tub was lukewarm. That was disappointing, especially that it was a nice night and no one was there to bother me like other nights.

I hope your health issues will work out as well as possible.

Feeling very, very down. I know that I should call someone, but I don't know who. It's difficult for me to ask for help, and I'm afraid of opening up to the wrong person. I'm afraid of the 'what-ifs'. At the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't let someone know just how bad it is right now. I don't really trust that my willpower will hold out for much longer.

How about calling a help line? Samaritans are good. They say they won't lead anyone into an ambush by the police or mobile care team. I have had mostly good results with them.

day is going okay so far.

eaten breakfast and watched my E.R programme.

no sleep, but that's been the same all week and it's not really affecting me

My psychiatrist is going to quit taking my insurance. This leaves me searching for a new one. There is just one other one on my list and when I called to set an appointment the lady was quite rude. Instead of answering my questions she said I would have to have a referral from my pcp. I don't have to have referrals for mental health plus my pcp knows nothing about my mental health struggles except for the meds I'm taking so I could see it if they wanted information from my current psychiatrist but not my pcp. Anyway, I'm upset that I only have one choice. Mental health care is a problem. I do have a choice of driving 100+ but hate to have one so far away.

Sorry, just venting.