Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Thank you, that's so sweet of you.

nobody cares about me. i should kill myself.

i really wanna go. there's nothing her for me. no love. only pretty girls are loved. not me. never me. i want to die. :'(

This is not much of an advice but for now, pet your cat and feel the love reflecting back to you, have a good talk with the cat about a night sky? Is he/she still doing alright? I reckon even pretty girls aren't loved 100% of the time, you'd wanna learn to see others with some understandings, it depends on where you live and stuff, big cities have bunch of pretty people walking around, in my nearest big city, what the view tells me is all I see is copies, clone wars of all the people competing against each other, so meeting someone I'd like to get to know would be not looking great statistically, I guess that a socializing takes many experiences, pursuing something within yourself, tending fire day and night all through the seasons, and these are just a starting point, a rather stable path to a life style that anyone wish they had.

What didn't I have when I was younger? I don't mean to bore anyone so I'm not gonna talk about it. Anyone on here don't want you to die, don't think of it even for a second, and I for one think that you must hold on for the future where you'll gain more insight/outsight, a real face to face interaction with others aren't happening as much as what would anyone think in my opinion, the world is consist of social b***$hit, that's never entirely your fault.

P.S. I am sorry that you feel that way, no one can really see you exactly the way that you want to end it all, I don't know how you've been dealing with it, I guess you'll want a healthy way to cope, converting it into fuel, being ablaze to be a light for yourself, I hope you come up with something and do, there won't be any silly ideas, everyday being a repeat, if that's what you have lately, that'd be a bad sign for anyone's life. Even if nobody notices it, do a nice thing, watch and feel, please keep watching where you're headed, I'm not saying you posted anything wrong, I like your haiku posts, please try to love those little moments, it's vital supplements of life.

Hey, congrats on the full-time job, I hope you're doing well, so you could put something in your resume when you take the next step up, it's an opportunity to build a good foundation in life, thanks for this awesome news.

I really hope those people who destroyed me get what they deserve. I hope, I hope, I hope, every day. Eventually, the worst in life will hit them. Why they had to cause mine to go downhill I'll never know but one day I hope they feel all the pain they gave to me. Every last one of them.

This situation is really doing a number on me. It's just crushing my soul and breaking what's left of my heart. It's making this depression so much worse. I need some hope. A light. Something to cling to.
I thought about writing letters last night. To people. Goodbye letters.

I just want to stop hurting

Well, i look pretty bad myself these days but I think my friend still loves me. Is it possible that they're just falling in lust? You aren't missing much, so far, ennui. I know you are eager for those experiences but you really have to give yourself a chance. Sometimes (most of the time!), It takes years of being young and not as young to find someone to love.

Go see "The Lobster". You may come away with a brand new perspective on love.

I know others have said it already and it's probably not what you want to hear right now, but try to be patient. I'm not pretty. I'm overweight, my hair is almost constantly a big frizzy poof, and I have scars all over from SH and ecsema. I didn't find my bf until I was 28, when I had just about given up. There's someone out there for you, and you will find them when the time is right.

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I just want to sleep. So much to do, but no motivation. I feel lost. All I can do is prepare to don my costume, and work in the morning. Prepare just the barest bit. I will be hiding inside the bouncy Boomerango.

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. It was the usual cleaning and shopping. I went out to dinner with my friend. It was at an Italian place and it was OK but not real great. I felt guilty that he and I went out and his wife didn't come along. But I prefer his wife not to come along. He wanted to get together with me because he'll be going away for a couple of weeks.

I felt very depressed yesterday for some good reasons. My money is very low and I felt like I had set a new record for the lowest amount to have in my bank account (only a few cents with having to charge for the groceries). And my shoulder has been hurting.

Today is not much of a day. I went to church today and I feel like it's not the right place for me. I am resting today because of my shoulder. I gave myself a heat treatment and it's helping a little bit. Very lonely today.

I wish my mom would pass out already. She is pitifully drunk and wearing barely any clothes. She's playing music in the living room. She called me a ***** twice.

I don't know what in the world her problem is. Last night and the night before she was so nice and pleasant to be around, even drunk. But as always, just when I start to think we're getting on better and things are improving, she says or does another thing to hurt me.

Life with both of them is getting increasingly unbearable. They're not the same people who raised me. At all. Aging and years of alcohol abuse has changed them, and not for the better. Too bad I would die at my sister's.

Almost wish my dad was not at work right now. I desperately need another sober person in the house. I feel alone, and I'm scared to go out of my room because I don't want to be yelled at again for no reason.

I havent been this depressed and lonely in a while. My suicidal thoughts are coming back. I just wish I could start my life over again. I used to be a good person. How did I end up like this?

Felt like my mood just sank after dinner. I guess it's because I got thinking about things over. I found out this morning that the Men's Breakfast was moved to another place yesterday. The Pastor said that he forgot to call me to tell me about it. I felt very soured about it. On top of that, I had not been too crazy about that church anyways. I think that I may be going somewhere else.

Also there seems to be a lot going on around me with people having fun. Well I feel like I'm not having any kind of fun myself. I guess that's why I get very depressed during the summer months. I just hate all of the noise, stuff going on, and feeling like I'm more exposed. It seems like summer cannot end soon enough for me.

And I got a message from my friend and I felt like he asked me a question that made me cringe. He does that on occasions. I guess I have to excuse it as he's very old. He's all that I have so I feel like I can't afford to lose him. Interesting that just now, I read an article about "does your friend really like you". It said that only half of friendship relationships are mutual.

Every day my life is less worth living.

i'm just so disgusted with everything. the last few nights have been among the worst in a long time. my mom won't stop treating me like ****. i finally screamed at her and she apologized. i told her i want to die. i want to take both of her bottles of pills and fall asleep. i told her and she didn't seem all too worried by that. i'm just so tired. i don't want to die but nothing gets better. i have no drive. i have not the energy to improve my life, only to destroy it. i'm so profoundly lonely and unloved. i can't do this anymore. i really can't. i don't want to. but i think i will just go to sleep. my dad is home.

i guess i'm feeling somewhere in the middle.

not really suicidal or anything, but certainly not great- part of it has to do with the fact that i spent the entire morning trying to order a new bank card (and my bank's customer service really sucks), and i'm annoyed that it's expired

but a lot of it has to do with the weather too

sun and mood don't mix for me

I think I'm falling apart. My supervisor met with me this morning because he's concerned with the time I've been taking off because of my depression and anxiety. I didn't think it was having that big of an effect that he would notice. I don't know where the next problem is. I'm scared. Going to call today and hope my T has an appointment open this week that I can make it to still.

I'm very anxious about whether I'll get my ups package today. Without it I'll run out of vape supplies and go back to smoking. Just a fact.

I'm upset that I still can't get down the stairs. I just don't know what to do. :/

My energy is fine, my stomach is not.

Woke up this morning after sleeping for basically 24 hours and did not feel refreshed and had to rip myself out of bed and to work.

Work is going okay although I do not feel like I have my shiz together. I never do. I sometimes wonder why I went back to work at all.

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This is like a ****ing nightmare. I'm so afraid of everything I do after that meeting this morning. I was able to get in with my T tomorrow night, but until then I am so afraid. When is everything going to fall apart even more?

To everyone here