Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Dear God, please don't let them keep doing this. Please give me a way to get evidence.

Geodon taper going bad. Have to get off it because elevated prolactin levels is giving extremely low testosterone. Of course, the elevated levels is making me stress about a possible pituitary tumor, though my levels are not that high to make it a good possibility. Knowing that doesn't help.

Did a little grocery shopping and almost lost it because someone else was in the same area. I never had that before!!!!!! Came home and had another tizzy fit over literally nothing. I am normally a very laid back person even when my anxiety is making my insides spin.

Hope it is just withdrawals and not something I have to live with. My pdoc caught my psychosis really early so I don't know what to expect other than visual and auditory hallucinations.

What a choice, live with the health risks of extremely low testosterone or live with unmedicated psychosis.

Today was a typical Saturday. I was not feeling very well emotionally today. Lots of bad feelings about myself. Feeling like I can't seem to do any right at all.

((((( Will )))))

though i got through the day without any suicidal feelings, i certainly ad my few moments today.

in the morning hit my hand hard on the edge of my shelf because i convinced myself a woman was about to kill me- and of course i reach out to get the knife off her, nothing is their- and slam my hand straight in to the shelf (outch that hurt!). it did leave me thinking.. why, it's 7 A.M in the ****ing morning, i don't need this yet

then later i became anxious for no reason at all and began to think that i wasn't allowed to live, i didn't deserve it, i have no right to feel like i'm feeling.. that went on for like an hour

am okay now

A little bit of a better day for me today. I went to the church that I attended to last week for the first time. It seemed a little bit better this time than the last time. The people seemed friendly towards me. In so little time that I've been there, I felt like there was more friendliness in that short time than at the last church I went to within four years! But it's hard to feel "at home" with it because it's new to me and it can take me a while to warm up to strangers.

I took a bike ride today. It was a nice day for it. I went for two hours but I could have gone for more if I hadn't been so tied up before going.

I talked to my sister today. We had a pretty good talk but she sounded very tired. Also she had been asking me if I'm ever thinking of moving back to where she is. I've told her a thousand times that I'm never coming back. I find it irritating when she asks me that.

Also I talked to me friend. He said that someone at the church had asked about me. He wanted to call me. I would love to talk to him if he does. But he hasn't called yet. He was one of the nicest guys at that church. I left that church because I felt like there were hardly any real nice people there.

Feeling kinda 'normal' lately and finding I have a long way to go to catch up on stuff I haven't had the energy to do for a while...it feels good to to get stuff done but wow I have a long way to go!

Just a lonely day for me. Spend hours online as a distraction.

I feel like I'm in need of a detox, but not just any detox. I've tried other detoxes (tea, stretching, exercising, drinking plenty of water, etc.), but those aren't completely effective. The detox I'm talking about is an all or nothing crying session. I feel like that's the only way I can really get through this, but I wish I knew how I can make the session last long enough. Crying is too rare and too short for me. I need to find emotional release, body trembling and all.

Maybe singing? I used to get a lot of energy out when I sang on my way home after work.

after a scary evening yesterday (and a sleepless night), trying my best to recover from it all

today's 1 of those.. what happens, happens sort of dayy

i'm a little (a lot?), suicidal- but have managed not to act on it, in sted choosing to listen to music and come on here

Starting to wonder if I'm on a downward spiral. Don't want to end up in hospital again.

An alright kind of day today. Had the day off because of Labor Day. I spent part of the day with my friend. It was alright. For some strange reason, I feel like I'm not that crazy about him anymore. I don't know why that is. He's done a lot of nice things for me. But also he has done things that no other friends I've had done that are negative.

I came back from the pool area and it was nice and quiet. Other years on Labor Day evening it would be so bad. So it was a nice surprise for me. But I feel like it's too bad that it's only nice when no one is there.

It's okay... I know when I'm being rejected. It's happened to me enough times.

What did I miss? Do you mean no responses from a recent post?

No... somebody I've been talking to on another site. Or was...

I'm so jealous of beautiful, sad girls. Everyone cares that they're sad, because they're beautiful. Everyone wants to cheer them up. But if you're just a sad girl with nothing remarkable about you, well, you just gotta deal alone.

I'm so tired of having to deal alone. YES i am alone. don't want none of that "ur not alone! u hav mee!" I have nobody!! Because I'm not thin and pretty and ~*.tragically_beautiful.*~ NO ONE CARES!!!!

feeling indiffrent

if today goes well, great

if not, well, their's been plenty of days before it

Why is it always worse to come back from something amazing?

Today I had a good day, but why is it that some one always comes around to ruin your chances of some good hard work just because wants to pull your leg, needs to say something, tell you something to make you feel bad. I'm tired of being an escape goat, and I wonder if the reason is that one tends to be too nice

I hate my life. Today is one of the worst days I've had in a wgile, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop crying, everything sucks so much. I just want to stop it.

I need someone to talk to and I don't know what to do.

My "doctor" at the clinic quit over a month ago and I was calling in for my rx with no one there to order them.

I hate that place.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I thought I put the past behind me. Why am I still angry and bitter about it?!