[Elektra_]

i had enough. done with called "life". all i get crap after crap. i cant get a ****ing break, something good,nothing. even my bodytalk T said that when my mother was pregnant of me she had doubts of keeping me lol and thats the reason i honestly believe im not lovable. lol if ur own mother didnt want u, who ever will. i need this to be over. i need so called god to GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!

no not gona kill myself, i wish i did though.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Hey Elektra

It's funny how sometimes nothing works, and how everything seems to be getting perfectly negative in a non-apologetic manner

It's okay to have anger and rage especially when things only seem to go south However, it's the depression talking, not you! And if someone rejected you, it's their fault, not yours

I'm not going to ask God to get you out of here, I'm going to ask him to remind you of your valuable true self and that the depression is the one making you think you're not worth it

I understand how you feel though Sending many many many hugs

We're all here for you!

[Skeezyks]

Hello Elektra: I'm sorry you are in so much pain. OMG! I guess it's just my opinion... but I don't believe what your mother thought while she was pregnant has anything to do with how you feel about yourself today. From my perspective, that's just (excuse my French...) poppycock! Besides... how does this so-called therapist know what your mother was thinking when she was pregnant? That is just ridiculous! Sometimes "therapists" just make me SO MAD! I hope you don't buy into this drivel!

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone & unloved. But I'm glad to see you write that you're not thinking about killing yourself! I would like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace somewhere within...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Elektra,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much
But kind of two ways I'm going here.............
Firstly your T...........I can't see how it's even appropriate for him/her to bring that about your mother and the pregnancy into it (!!!!), that doesn't necessarily have to shape her feelings about you now, or about you as a person!!! There is a vast difference between some natural uncertainties about a life changing experience of having a baby and about actually raising a "real person", getting to know a "real person".
But not knowing your relationship right now with your mother..........a mothers feelings towards you don't have to completely define you or your worth at all
That would be one perspective only, and you can still be lovable to plenty of different people for plenty of different reasons..........and I believe everyone is going to have some good qualities
And secondly, all the crap you've been going through...........it sounds like you've had a lot to cope with
Do you think maybe you're needing some more support to deal with some of that?? Even if some of it is "behind you"??
If you want to talk about it a bit more on here, maybe we could help you in working through it/past it..........or support you in ways to eventually work towards that "break"??



Alison

[Elektra_]

hi. isnt depression talking... i dont have depression per se. is elektra talking caz she has no friends, no bf, no nothing to make her want to live. all i know is rejection but this time i thought finally something good would hapen. i couldnt be more wrong. once again i was ****ed with, once again someone proved im not lovable. no one can have value when they arent part of anything nor are important to anyone.
thanks

Originally Posted by RenouncedTroglodyte

Hey Elektra

It's funny how sometimes nothing works, and how everything seems to be getting perfectly negative in a non-apologetic manner

It's okay to have anger and rage especially when things only seem to go south However, it's the depression talking, not you! And if someone rejected you, it's their fault, not yours

I'm not going to ask God to get you out of here, I'm going to ask him to remind you of your valuable true self and that the depression is the one making you think you're not worth it

I understand how you feel though Sending many many many hugs

We're all here for you!

[Elektra_]

hi. it has been proved a fetus can feel what mother feels so yeah i do "buy it". its quite a good explanation. thanks

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Elektra: I'm sorry you are in so much pain. OMG! I guess it's just my opinion... but I don't believe what your mother thought while she was pregnant has anything to do with how you feel about yourself today. From my perspective, that's just (excuse my French...) poppycock! Besides... how does this so-called therapist know what your mother was thinking when she was pregnant? That is just ridiculous! Sometimes "therapists" just make me SO MAD! I hope you don't buy into this drivel!

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone & unloved. But I'm glad to see you write that you're not thinking about killing yourself! I would like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace somewhere within...

[Elektra_]

hi. how do u explain personality disorders then? arent childhoods shaping the children? well ive never been loved and giving that i dont even have friends...

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Elektra,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much
But kind of two ways I'm going here.............
Firstly your T...........I can't see how it's even appropriate for him/her to bring that about your mother and the pregnancy into it (!!!!), that doesn't necessarily have to shape her feelings about you now, or about you as a person!!! There is a vast difference between some natural uncertainties about a life changing experience of having a baby and about actually raising a "real person", getting to know a "real person".
But not knowing your relationship right now with your mother..........a mothers feelings towards you don't have to completely define you or your worth at all
That would be one perspective only, and you can still be lovable to plenty of different people for plenty of different reasons..........and I believe everyone is going to have some good qualities
And secondly, all the crap you've been going through...........it sounds like you've had a lot to cope with
Do you think maybe you're needing some more support to deal with some of that?? Even if some of it is "behind you"??
If you want to talk about it a bit more on here, maybe we could help you in working through it/past it..........or support you in ways to eventually work towards that "break"??



Alison

[Frankbtl]

Hi Elektra,

Absolutely childhoods can shape people, and I'm reading that that was "pretty tough" too for you, I'm sorry
And I can completely understand how not feeling or being shown love can have you believing that you're unlovable, and although those beliefs can sometimes be SO hard to change, it still doesn't mean that those beliefs need to be true..........that you actually are unlovable. But........I completely respect that those beliefs can feel so very real
And as for the way people have treated you or not stuck by you as true friends, that really doesn't have to be a reflection of how lovable you are
You're right maybe your childhood has had something to do with it, but if so, maybe more in the sense that you don't expect enough from people having less self value or you find it harder to set boundaries (stuff like that) meaning less worthy people have found their way into your life and not stuck by you............it certainly doesn't all have to be about you, it can be about the people who have been in/walked out of your life not deserving to be there anyway
But finding the right T can help a lot with issues caused or antagonized by childhood, true it might take A LOT of work and support from others, but don't give up hope on yourself, hey??
Things don't always have to be this way

Alison

[Elektra_]

actually right now i expect too much from people but always get disappointed. yeah i dont put any boundaries. to the worthy people im not of interest whatsoever.
T, i have changed way too much of T. can they actually do anything? lol what support? there are no others. when things got even worse in 6 years im guessing there wont be any miracles. thanks

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Elektra,

Absolutely childhoods can shape people, and I'm reading that that was "pretty tough" too for you, I'm sorry
And I can completely understand how not feeling or being shown love can have you believing that you're unlovable, and although those beliefs can sometimes be SO hard to change, it still doesn't mean that those beliefs need to be true..........that you actually are unlovable. But........I completely respect that those beliefs can feel so very real
And as for the way people have treated you or not stuck by you as true friends, that really doesn't have to be a reflection of how lovable you are
You're right maybe your childhood has had something to do with it, but if so, maybe more in the sense that you don't expect enough from people having less self value or you find it harder to set boundaries (stuff like that) meaning less worthy people have found their way into your life and not stuck by you............it certainly doesn't all have to be about you, it can be about the people who have been in/walked out of your life not deserving to be there anyway
But finding the right T can help a lot with issues caused or antagonized by childhood, true it might take A LOT of work and support from others, but don't give up hope on yourself, hey??
Things don't always have to be this way

Alison

[Frankbtl]

Hi Elektra

"actually right now i expect too much from people but always get disappointed"
I'm kind of wondering here whether you actually do expect too much from people or whether your expectations are reasonable and those people have just let you down..........
But either way.........it sounds like you're maybe basing too much of your own self worth/self esteem on others or the way they treat you, maybe????

yeah i dont put any boundaries. to the worthy people im not of interest whatsoever.
Well, those people aren't really worthy IMO if they blank you because you're you
Maybe try to hold out for people who are really worthy?? That kind of people can come along

T, i have changed way too much of T. can they actually do anything? lol what support? there are no others. when things got even worse in 6 years im guessing there wont be any miracles. thanks
I'd say that good T's can sometimes help a lot over time (and it's not necessarily something you can put a time scale on), but of course you hear a lot about T's who "aren't so good", I don't know whether yours is that kind or not though...........
And by others..........I meant people like on here
But...........I'm reading in between the lines...........emotional childhood abuse????
If that's the case.........and I know that probably isn't the only thing causing you pain but..............a couple of links I've found for you:
ASCA - Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
and
http://www.havoca.org/
I honestly don't know if they may be useful to you.........but worth a try

Alison

[Fuzzybear]

[Elektra_]

I was made to swallow everything i can get. Once again he told me i should kill myself. Maybe thats my porpuse in life, to die.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

I was made to swallow everything i can get. Once again he told me i should kill myself. Maybe thats my porpuse in life, to die.

Hey Elektra

I understand you're feelings very well

It's inevitable that this world has an end, all of us will no longer be around at one point, but before we go, there's a task, a very important one, which is "To live" Our purpose here on Earth is to stay alive no matter what others tell us, because our job is to not listen to them, because if they don't see our true essence inside of us and only focus on observable stuff, then they're the losers, not you, not me, not anyone who suffered from the words of other people

[Quarter life]

Hi Elektra.

All I can tell you is life is hard, but I made a life out of scraps and broken things.

As I gather my strength and will to embark on an exciting adventure in my life, I lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.

Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.

So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.

Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99.9% of people care little about what I think, say or do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me.

Elektra when things become unbearable for me, I remind myself over and over that death makes like important…….even my small life.

What a wonderful post QuarterLife. I have copied and pasted it into a document to print off and keep. Thank you.

[Elektra_]

Everyone ****s with me. I cant count on anyone. I just need to ****ing die!!

[Elektra_]

The thing people dont care about what u do or whatever isnt true. People always care about ur defects, mistakes, failures. People dont waste time to comment wtf is wrong with u, even when u arent even part of their lives!!! Like today, how this idiot that never sees me HAD to comment about how skinny i am even though i mentioned i gained weight! People will ALWAYS say im skinny. Im just so tired of that topic. These idiots have nothing better to tell me! People lo e stepping on others and is of no use to be nice caz clearly i can't catch a break!