This question is for anyone who has EVER had a period of depression, but this question is especially directed to those who have persistent depression or dysthymia. I wanted to share what bothers me, and what parts of my life it seems to affect the most, and read how it affect others.

For me, in this point in my life, I feel unfixable. I am 25 years old and have been depressed since I've ever been able to remember. I only sought help a year and a half ago, and it took me that long to believe I needed help. The world doesn't stop for anyone, you either keep up or drown it feels like at times. I was kicked out of my home, had to learn to drive, get a license, a car, a place to live and learn to adjust to living alone. I get frustrated with myself. Others look at me and judge so harshly, and I judge myself even harder. I should have received therapy as a child. I slipped through the cracks I guess. My brother and sister both were in mental institutions for multiple years. I guess I was supposed to be the one without problems. I get frustrated. I suffer from bouts of severe depression. I am a teacher, I am an adult. I'm not supposed to be like this. I am supposed to be a role model, a leader. I am nothing more than a broken little boy inside, and I feel like it's too late to really get the help I needed then... and not "ill" enough to receive any other service that I feel at times I need. (That's another topic, but I'm talking about mental institutions). I often feel my job suffers -- i feel like I'm not good enough to be teacher. I worked so hard to get to where I am-- but I don't feel I'm qualified because of how depression affects me. I feel incompetent and stupid. I'm forced to fake a smile, sincerely. Everything in my head says "You are not enough, you are not strong enough, smart enough, good enough... You are 25 and a mental train wreck. You shouldn't even be allowed to be in front of children." ... I know that isn't the case. I've not shown incompetence in my performance. I've not broken down in class ( as of yet..), but that's what really hangs me up psychologically..... I feel like I shouldn't suffer through therapy, and medications, and all these issues I face now.

I don't know how else to put it.. I guess, it's like a man who doesn't know how to read. You try to hide it because because there is a standard... Adults should know how to read. You fake your way through but deep down feel ashamed. That's how I feel -- adults shouldn't be this depressed.... I shouldn't be a young professional with these types of issues.

For me -- The hardest part of having depression is dealing with the fact I'm at a point in my life where I have a career, an independent lifestyle. I fought tooth and nail to get to where I am, and I told myself I was fine for years. Like I said I only began to look for help, actually for anxiety, a year and a half ago. I can't say that I've not gotten better with therapy and medicine... but I can say it's made it harder to bottle things in, or ignore the past, or not be affected by things I had long forgotten, or tried to forget....

[junkDNA]

feeling paralyzed

[Hopeofreedom]

Brentus the fact that you felt like this for SO many years and still continue to handle your responsibilities deserve much appreciation😙.
Your WAY more stronger than you give yourself credit for.

No for me the thing I hate about my clinical depression is actually the days when I have some relief and clarity. My good days are scary because then I can see how much my illness wrecked my life. How far behind I am and where I thought I would be at this time in my life. 😧

[Deeplyhurt77]

I agree with the above comment. One of the hardest jobs is faking happiness for the sake of others. It is crucial that you continue therapy and med. Take it from Mr, I worked with children in a mental hospital and gave group therapy, positive feedback and care. The kids were there for trying/threatening suicide or need meds reevaluated. When I did this, I was totally depressed,had a emotionally abusive boyfriend while attending college and volunteeringredients at the YWCA. I eventually had to quite for my own sanity and felt like I was lying to the kids (pretending life is good). It's a hard mask to keep on.

[Hopeofreedom]

Originally Posted by Deeplyhurt77

I agree with the above comment. One of the hardest jobs is faking happiness for the sake of others. It is crucial that you continue therapy and med. Take it from Mr, I worked with children in a mental hospital and gave group therapy, positive feedback and care. The kids were there for trying/threatening suicide or need meds reevaluated. When I did this, I was totally depressed,had a emotionally abusive boyfriend while attending college and volunteeringredients at the YWCA. I eventually had to quite for my own sanity and felt like I was lying to the kids (pretending life is good). It's a hard mask to keep on.

Faking happiness is the WORST!

[PenguinExMachina]

Feeling like I might be in this forever, and trying my best to hide it for the sake of my child.
That has to be the hardest for me. As someone who works in the psychology field, I constantly hear of the dangers of children who grow up with maternal depression. It bums me out. I sit through lectures from "professionals" who talk as if those children will be forever damaged because their parent had a mental illness. Children who will suffer immensely because depressed parents have low affect, because depressed parents are 'not always there' mentally, because depressed parents cannot always care for a child as well as a mentally well parent can. And it hurts me. It cuts deep. I don't want that for my child. So I do my best to not let him see what I am going through because I don't want him to be "damaged".

Originally Posted by PenguinExMachina

Feeling like I might be in this forever, and trying my best to hide it for the sake of my child.
That has to be the hardest for me. As someone who works in the psychology field, I constantly hear of the dangers of children who grow up with maternal depression. It bums me out. I sit through lectures from "professionals" who talk as if those children will be forever damaged because their parent had a mental illness. Children who will suffer immensely because depressed parents have low affect, because depressed parents are 'not always there' mentally, because depressed parents cannot always care for a child as well as a mentally well parent can. And it hurts me. It cuts deep. I don't want that for my child. So I do my best to not let him see what I am going through because I don't want him to be "damaged".

I'm really sorry to hear that you're suffering, especially when your primary concern is not even you, but your child. I think that in itself speaks volumes of who you are as a parent-- and that's not a negative thing. Where in the world are you going to find a perfect family with a perfect family dynamic free of any "problem" -- mental or otherwise? I don't think you should take to heart everything that you're seeing and hearing. There is merit to it, but keep in mind theory and reality not always meet at the same place. Often I sit through lectures about discipline in the classroom, or tactics for differentiation,.. things that on paper look amazing, but have very little implementation potential or isn't as effective as it should be. I know that's a completely different scenario, but I do think there are key pieces that are similar.

You're doing what you can. You're seeking help, you're wanting to best for your family and you're not giving up -- that's all you can really ask of yourself right now. You're a very strong person to be able to do that! I really hope you get to feeling better... at least know you're not all alone in all of it.

[GennyM]

Not enjoying the seasons! I'm not sure if this is the hardest part of depression, just what I
Was thinking about at the time.

The hardest part of my depression is:

• existing and not living life.
• not remembering life before depression.
• feeling like a burden to others.
• not achieving anything.
• the pain and loneliness I feel constantly.
• looking forward to that day...

well.. i've got 2

1 is the suicidal thoughts- being so focused on wanting to kill yourself, it's scary

you're asked- and why do you want to kill yourself?

and you don't know.. my problem it's never situational stuff, it's just their

my other one is all the miss understandings.

when people say.. oh, well it's not depression- you're just a little bit upset, or something of that nature

jesus!. wake up and realise these things.

[bronzeowl]

I think the hardest part has changed for me over the years. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. The poem "Alone" by Edgar Allan Poe has always struck a cord with me... particularly the fact that it starts with "from childhood's hour I have not been as others were". Even as a child I remember being depressed, you know? I wasn't diagnosed until I was 12, but as early as about 7 or 8, I remember feeling different from my siblings and my peers. An almost empty feeling. And for much of my life, that emptiness was the worst part. It was like being severely dehydrated and being handed a cup full of water, but when you try to drink from the cup, you find that the water is gone already and you can never satiate your thirst. The emptiness made it hard to relate to anyone, to understand anyone, to connect with anyone. But the emptiness isn't the worst part anymore, because I've filled the emptiness. Some of us, I guess, do learn to fill it with things that are not bad. Instead of filling it with addictions, some of us do eventually manage to fill it with careers, hobbies, people.

And I did. I found a great guy, who loves me despite my depression (who battles his own demons, in fact). A guy who loves me for me, who holds me when I'm having a mental breakdown, who rubs my back and kisses my head and tells me that I'll be okay. I found him, and we had a beautiful baby girl. And I filled the emptiness. I'm happy with them, happier than I've ever been. But I'm still depressed. And the worst part now is not being able to understand why I'm still depressed. The worst part is feeling like I should be happy all the time, but finding myself crying sometimes when I'm all alone. It's looking at my baby girl, and being afraid of failing her. It's sitting on the couch with her on my lap, wondering if I'll repeat my father's mistake. Fearing that thought. It's fearing every thought that crosses my mind. The worst part is feeling so happy that it only worsens the depression because I feel guilty that it's still there in the first place.

Above all, the worst part is the realization that it may last forever. That it may be treatment resistant since it's been with me this long. The realization that my mom's has lasted forever, and that every single life change has triggered it. And maybe I'll be the same way. The worst part is the fear, definitely the fear. The fear that it will be a demon I can never run from, the fear that it will hurt my daughter, or my fiance, or my dog. The fear that I will become my mother thirty years from now. Alone, with only dogs to keep me company, an empty nest, and depression rearing its ugly head once more.

[EriElla]

For me it's realizing I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life, which means I may never find happiness or feel comfortable with where I'm at in life.

[Hopeofreedom]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

well.. i've got 2

1 is the suicidal thoughts- being so focused on wanting to kill yourself, it's scary

you're asked- and why do you want to kill yourself?

and you don't know.. my problem it's never situational stuff, it's just their

my other one is all the miss understandings.

when people say.. oh, well it's not depression- you're just a little bit upset, or something of that nature

jesus!. wake up and realise these things.

Basically me dealing with my parents. I was a text book example of a suicidal teen and my folks , just didn't respond or care.

It wasn't til later that I realized they couldn't because they're just not emotionally deep people.

It wasn't that they wouldn't understand, it was that they couldn't. So I forgave them and moved on. And try to help myself and lean on professionals .

[MtnTime2896]

The self doubt you face is similar to my own. It is the most difficult piece of depression I suffer from. I can't be good enough for anything and I'm no good for anyone, according to my train of thought. It's rough.
I've been a volunteer support aid before and did it for a while. At first, I did it for people who had been diagnosed with cancer. I've had my own fight with the illness and figured I could use my own experience and understanding to help others, doing that didn't really ever get to me. It was when I became a support aid for sufferers of depression, anxiety and PTSD that I felt myself sinking. I suffer from all three myself and figured that I could do the same as I did when I had cancer. Thing is, it wasn't the same. It took a toll on me that I didn't see coming. I gave up fighting to look happy. I went for looking neutral and stable when dealing with professional situations. Personal relationships were where I went for "happy". Only ever told a few people where my head really was. More than all of it, the difficulty was embedded in my unrelenting mindset that I was no good for/to anyone. I still suffer with it. At this moment in my life, I have been hiding from everyone the likelihood that my cancer has relapsed and just how sick I feel all of the time. I don't want to scare anyone unless I know for sure what's going on because it is my job to take all of the bullets for everyone else. They don't deserve to suffer with me. No one does. Yet, I feel like I deserve every excruciating minute.
Sorry, I've kind of run away with it. I wish I had advice to help you through this other that the usual "get help" banter but I don't. Good luck sir.