One down, two to go, is there a point?

I am off Geodon completely, and have been for a week now. Hopefully, the depressed testosterone will reverse itself and I might get more energy during the day.

Other than the one incident where I was convinced my teeth popped out at a grocery store and I was on the floor for a few seconds before realizing it wasn't real, things aren't too bad. I am only having mild paranoia and lots of voices. Gigantor, who is a visual hallucination, hasn't been around much but the voices are inside my head a lot. 'Hey' 'truth' 'look' and lots of unintelligible stuff but always seems to be a single word. They don't bother me though, which is nice I suppose. Maybe I could start having conversations with them. I go days sometimes without talking to anyone so that might be helpful.

Now I got to go fight over tapering down on my antidepressant. My pdoc is against it, but I have medical reasons for it, like I did for Geodon. I think I will taper down to 15mg for now and see whats the what. It has never helped at any dose except help me sleep. That should take at least a month, maybe longer. I missed one dose once and woke up feeling like a giant knife was plunged in my chest so I want to go really slow. Then Klonopin, I really only take 1mg a day, occasionally 1.5 so it shouldn't be too tough I hope. It helps with the restless legs that Remeron causes at my current dose, but doesn't at 15.

I actually looked in a mirror today. It is the first time I have done that in a few years really. Ugly and shockingly old. What happened? How did I completely waste my life? All I have to show for it is some voices and a long trail of failure. So does it matter I am tapering off for health reasons, what do I have? I have so much regret and am so angry that I can't see a way out but I know I probably deserve all this. We do end up with what we deserve, don't we?

Good luck with changing your medication. Be kind to yourself if you find you still need to take something in the end. Obviously, some of the things you could be experiencing could just be withdrawal. Or perhaps you really need something. If your pdoc is not working with you, are you able to change him/her? It is good that you are trying to get off it if it's bad for your health. It sounds very challenging.
We all get old. We have to be kind to ourselves about it. It can be hard to accept but it can't be stopped. Other than exercising, eating healthy and seeing a doctor, it's sort of useless to fight against it. Though I really hate to see myself in photographs! Oh well! It is what it is.
I don't know how "at fault" you are but there is an awful lot about our lives that we just can't control. Failure is relative. Things did not turn out as I had hoped either. It seems like you are trying to exercise some control over things that you can control. You ask, What do I have? I am sorry about your despair! Are you alone? I hope you feel better soon. Sincerely, Myst

PS Some of your despair could just be withdrawal! If that's it, it will get better with time! Stay in touch with the doctor and yourself while you go through this! Be careful. Sincerely, Myst

Thanks for your kind words. I am not sure I am still having withdrawals but maybe I still am. I was going to start my remeron taper today but I might wait a week or two to make sure I am clear of any Geodon withdrawals.

I do eat a lot better and exercise more. I have lost 50 pounds in the past year, I still need about 10 more and it is much harder to lose that 10 than the 50.

Being kind to myself is something I am not very good at. If I told other people even half of what I tell myself daily, I would get hit every day. I can't find any kindness for myself.

I don't actually think it was something I actively caused. For as long as I can remember, I always felt inferior but I never allowed it to stop me. I was very successful in the military, getting 4 promotions in my first 30 months. I never had any MH issues other than low self-esteem before I had my seizure, everything bad mentally and most of my physical issues can be traced to that day.

Thank goodness it happened when I was on active duty! That is the one thing that went right, even though nothing was right about getting seizures, headaches and MH issues. It ended my career but at least the VA has supported me medically, financially and educationally. I even fought through my issues and got a BS and MS but I haven't made use of it via a well paying job since I predictably crashed just months after finishing my MS.

There is just something profoundly wrong with me, from birth, that keeps me from having any sustained success or happiness. I can name lots of things going back to junior high and earlier that show this pattern. It must be because I deserve it.

I have two grown daughters and three grand kids and that is almost always enough to keep me upright but lately even that is hard to justify. What kind of role model could I possibly be?

I can and might change pdocs. It depends on how my appointment next month goes. He was initially supportive of getting off my meds since none worked that well except klonopin but I need to get off it since it is not supposed to be a long term thing. Now he is antagonistic. I think it is because I want to stay off meds and he wants me on Lithium, which is a nonstarter for me. I just lost all that weight and have borderline hypothyroidism(TSH is a tad high but the rest of my thyroid panel is normal) but my primary doc thinks that will go away if getting off Geodon helps my prolactin and testosterone issues.

Over the past 21 years I have tried more psych meds than I can remember. From every class except, MAOI's which I can't because of my migraine and seizure disorder. Yet, he still wants to randomly try things.

I really don't want to switch to another pdoc. He has been very good at getting my input and accepting it when I have good reasons, which is a rare trait in my experience. I am not trained in psychology or anything but I do a ton of research and he used to take my ideas and concerns very seriously. I decided I wanted off meds before I knew I had medical reasons for it and he took my desire seriously and agreed. Now, he is almost histrionic about it just because I want to try and move forward off meds. Agreeing to ECT might appease him a little.

I am just so sensitive to psychotropics and have so many side-effects. I tapered off Effexor two summers ago because it wasn't helping and gave me tinnitus, which I still have to this day so trying a new drug is a big deal. Even more now that I know that extra dopamine leads to excessive prolactin which leads to very low testosterone. My pdoc prefers that I go on hormone replacement therapy and risk heart issues and prostate cancer, both of which have caused the death of a lot of my uncles and aunts. I kind of see his point, but it is not like my psychosis has ever caused serious issues and I would rather deal with voices than cancer. I have bad enough hypochondria as it is.

I sort of understand his reluctance of dropping antidepressants. I have ended up bloody more than once and even committed once due to depression but I can handle it a lot better since I have been dealing with it so long.

I actually don't think I can live completely med free, but I think I can do it mostly drug free. I went 8 years without psych drugs(2003-2011) and only got back on them because I started getting bad anxiety attacks in 2011. I would rather deal with the occasional crash and take meds to get myself back on my feet than deal with constant side-effects. My pdoc is in total disagreement and is acting almost like I am incompetent. I am a pathetic loser, but not a stupid one.

You sound educated, kind and sensitive. You are probably a better grandparent than you are giving yourself credit for!
I think it's important for our doctors to address our concerns. If they give us something we're against, we're unlikely to take it so it's a useless exercise. And it sounds like you're not dismissing his/her recommendations without a reason/careful consideration. You're being an educated consumer, not a loser.

I don't know about all that. My sister says you are right but she is biased and I react negatively to complements of any kind.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being contrarian because I have said no to my pdoc far more than I have said yes. Like I said, for my situation, switching meds is a huge deal and something I learned the hard way to be extremely cautious with. The only time I was acting out of irrationality is when I avoid the topic of ECT because that really scares me but maybe my pdoc sees me as needlessly argumentative.

A retired therapist on a vets site told me a lot of my fears are misplaced and that it could work wonders for someone like me, someone with a longstanding, deep and treatment-resistant depression. The guy seems very knowledgeable and is quite blunt and to the point which is something I respond well to.

I think old TV show and movies have discolored my perception of it. When I think electric shock, I think of an out of control psychotic being dragged kicking and screaming to get shocked. Stupid, I know, but I have trouble getting past that image.

I just had my appointment. It went much better than I thought it would given my pdoc was against my tapering off everything. He still is but was very supportive and let me know he is there for me if things go good or bad. That was nice to know.

I told him I agree with him that this is going to end badly, but I think it is worth it to not deal with side-effects and saying that I am sensitive to psychotropics is a understatement. My pdoc says he has never seen anyone more sensitive than I am.

I will probably crash and end up in the psych ward again but if I can even have one day that I am somewhere near normal that would be worth it. I do have lots of energy now that my testosterone levels are coming back to normal but it is not really a very good thing because it seems to make my anxiety and depression worse somehow. I really don't think I will crash so badly I become actively suicidal. I am so used to my depression since I have had it for so long and I am started to be accustomed to anxiety and psychosis. I have suicidal thoughts daily for nearly 2 decades so even that is "normal" to me. We will see.

I am just waiting on my new prescription in the mail to start my Remeron taper. This one scares me the most as I forgot to take it once and woke up with physically painful anxiety so I am going to do it very slowly. I am going to step down 7.5mg at a time and stop and reassess at 15mg. It is worthless to me as an antidepressant but it helps me sleep and the last time I was at 15mg I had no side-effects. Before Remeron, I would be up for 30-50 hours straight and that did me no favors. I am going to try to get past 30mg quickly because that dosage causes me significant weight gain and I have lost about 50 pounds in the last year and gaining anything more than 5 would be disheartening.

After that, Klonopin but I only take 1mg a day so I am hoping it is not too painful.

I commend you for trying to improve your health and am so glad that you doctor is being supportive.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I applaud you for wanting to get off the meds due to side-effects. I was on meds for 13+ years for bipolar 2 with tons of strange and bizarre side-effects including having my jaw lock 3 times for 14 hours each, shutting down my colon for a good month, hand tremors to the point I couldn't write, memory loss to the point I almost failed a college class I should have aced with my eye closed, horrific anxiety, depression and finally a receding hairline that freaked me out. Maybe others don't experience this sort of thing, but I was so sick on meds I was almost bedridden, and it was shocking when I got off them how much better I felt!

I now use amino acids and the natural mineral supplement lithium orotate to control my bipolar with great success. My mood has been far more stable since I've been doing this for the last 9 years than it ever was on meds.

With your RLS, try soaking in epsom salts or increase you magnesium as meds block the body's ability to utilize magnesium as well as depleting it in detoxing the meds through the liver. You could also get a RLS cream that contains magnesium or use magnesium oil or gel on your legs to settle them down. If you use magnesium oil and it stings, it's a sign that your body is low on magnesium so dilute it with some purified or distilled water.

Here's an article about how to get off your anti-depressant without becoming deathly ill by giving your brain what it needs in the form of amino acids.

How To Get Off Your Antidepressant Without Going Insane

Another great resource for coming off meds is the book Break Your Prescribed Addiction by Billie Sahley. I have the book, and it's a more in-depth discussion of how to get off meds safely.

Break Your Prescribed Addiction by Bille Sahley, PhD-painstress

With testosterone, I listen to various alternative radio/tv shows and one large show sells their own health products a top naturopath developed for them. One of their top sellers is Super Male Vitality that increases testosterone naturally. They have thousands of 5 star reviews from men saying how much better they feel on it so it might be something to look into.

http://www.infowarsstore.com/super-male-vitality.html

Another thing to think about is supplementing with iodine for your thyroid. I have subclinical hypothyroidism where my blood tests are normal but I have symptoms so doctors are leary of treating me. I started taking iodine several years ago, and then recently switched to nascent [ionic] iodine produced by the same naturopath who developed Super Male Vitality. I take a high dose of it, and after about 3 months, my hair that has started going gray when I was 21 and was completely white in front is now getting darker. It's also getting thicker on top where I had some thinning so to say I'm thrilled is an understand. Another truly remarkable thing I've noticed is that I didn't develop my yearly SAD as the days got shorter. It can only be the iodine as even with the amino acids I've always had it, but with the iodine, my mood is fabulous without being hypomanic. A low functioning thyroid is going to make you depressed. Here's a video about iodine by Dr. Edward Group, the developer of this:

I wish you good luck with everything Hope you'll get better. Love yourself.