[anna342]

I've been crying for the majority of the past 24 hours. Got 1 hour sleep. I feel so down I can't describe it. I don't want to have to put up with this all anymore.

I don’t know what to do about all these services that I’m under at the moment. I feel like I’m getting little out of them, other than knowing I can phone a social worker if things get bad during the week and daytime, and he has actually helped me and tried to guide me through the panic. All the other people can do for me is talk to me about how I feel and how I’ve felt. It’s relieving in a way to let it all out, but it’s not actually achieving anything. I know people can’t tell me what to do, because it’s up to me, I’m an adult after all. But where am I supposed to get all this knowledge about how to deal with feelings and how to cope when I’m alone and I feel the world is falling apart around me. Maybe all it’s going to take is time, whether I see professionals or not. Therefore perhaps I should just go it alone, and stop using resources I don’t deserve.

The only thing that really seems to help is having someone with me in times of need, not a friend or member of my family, because it just upsets them as well. Like when I was at a crisis centre, it helped so much for someone to rationalise my fears, and just be with me reminding the world isn’t falling apart and everything is ok. But I can't go back, they only allow one visit. Maybe I just need to learn to do that myself. But again, how? No one is really helping me in this way, the psychiatrist seems to understand, but ends up just gives me more and more pills, the counsellor listens but then makes comments but mostly tells me I need to figure stuff out for myself, and she's only there to listen and support, not advise and the crisis team say there is nothing wrong with me and I need to take more responsibility of my life. It sounds like I’m angry at them. I’m not, just more confused than anything else. It’s like no one really knows how to help me, so they turn it round to me helping myself, but when I’m in my panicky states or very low, I am past being able to do that. But then I feel like I’m in the wrong, for not being able to do what I’m told, and in a way, just ‘get over it’.

I said earlier my social worker is the only one that really helps, and he does, but only in certain aspects. The fact that i'm so depressed I just cry and achieve nothing, eat nothing, barely drink, avoid social situations and barely get out of bed each day seems irrelevant. I'm just so tired of trying to get somewhere that I don't know how to. I just want someone to take it all away.

All of my support professionals wise are on annual leave starting next tuesday. I'm scared, not that I reckon it'd make much difference, but I just feel like i'm being left alone, I feel vunerable.

((((((anna))))))

May I first say you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. I know the feeling of wondering where the knowledge is suppose to come from to deal with the emotions and feelings. When you do not know how to tell someone what it is you are feeling because you yourself cannot not put words to it. I understand that all too well. When you never knew how to deal with it as a child, how are you suppose to just deal with it as an adult.

It is not easy, and taking it one day at a time is all you can do. I cry right beside you for the feelings you are having. Sometimes I wonder if anyone listens to what I say as deep down inside feelings and emotions stir. But truth is, they do listen, and they do try. Sometimes it is just so dark that we do not see others surrounding us with love and support. I know because I too feel that at times. It has been really dark the last several weeks, but I know in my heart that I am not alone. Coming here and reading, I connect to others like you and hope that somehow I can say something that will let them know I understand.

Continue to reach out. You deserve to be heard, validated, and to know you are not alone. I care and I reach out my hand to you. Together we can walk this and learn from each other. Please take care of yourself. Keep posting and reaching. I care.

purplesecrets

[stefano]

Dear Anna,
making up your mind about your goals, taking responsiblity, and other "adult" things is simply not possible right now, because you are clearly in a bad crisis. You said right, it takes time and patience. But in the meantime you must get all the help possible. The pills are OK, take them and sooner or later they will kick in (and future crisis will be less severe, as it is happening to me).
How to sepnd time? Well, first you may come here every evening and resume the day. We know the crap you are crawling through and will never get bored.
Second, did you ever read books about depression? I suppose you did, if not go on amazon.co.uk and get some. I may suggest the best I have read so far: "Undoing depression", by Richard O'Connor. Not only it tells wise things, but it also has a reasonable, soothing style.

Don't worry about the meaning of your life now, now you are suffering acutely. Just resist the pain.

Let us know

The best of luck!

[anna342]

Thank you for your messages. I forced myself out of the house this morning, first time in quite a few days now, and I really screwed up. I've done something bad. Now I feel terrible, it's going to cost me a lot to fix. I'm such a ***** up. I may aswell not go out. At least if I stay in I won't be able to impact on anyone's lives. I can't even say what I did, i'm that ashamed. I hate myself so much, I don't want to be me anymore. All I ever do is screw things up.

[recluse1]

(((((((((((anna)))))))) so sorry hunni that life is being so hard on you right now. but locking yourself away from the world will only send you into a deeper depression. i would suggest you try to find a support group. number one it will get you out and around other people. whether we realize it or not we need human interaction. number two it will give you an outlet and people to talk to that are going through some of the same things.

best of luck
recluse1

[meander]

(((((anna))))))

hey don't blame yourself! Try to be gentle with yourself... this is not your fault, it's an illness that you're trying to fix... I'm so sorry that things are hard right now, I know what it's like... Hope you can find the real life support you need. Have you tried discussing this with your counsellor?