Continued from last thread.

I am feeling ok.

i guess i could be worse. the breakup has me reeling still, but i'm kind of just numb at this point. i made the mistake of thinking my entire future would be with him. now i'm failing to see a future for myself, as a newly single (again) 19-year-old girl. i don't want to do anything and i feel like anything i did do would be pointless, because i have nobody to share my life with. i can't love myself. i'm NOT suicidal, but i just don't see the appeal in a life without love. the relationship lasted only four months, but what a beautiful four months it was that i must have forgotten how horrible and lonely being solitary is. i remember now.

[seesaw]

Feeling stressed about today. I did get up this morning and go grocery shopping and go to a group meeting. But I'm supposed to.go to a co-workers house for a BBQ and she's invited all the staff and I don't know if I want to spend my Saturday afternoon hanging out with co-workers. But then again I'll feel bad if I'm the only one who doesn't go. I don't know how to handle this really.

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[PsychNitrous]

I feel no interest in anything this weekend. This morning I woke up and wanted to watch a show I haven't kept up on for a while, but they've taken it off netflix. I was so disappointed, so I just turned on the show we've been watching. I did clean off the coffee table though, so now it's not dirty or cluttered.

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Originally Posted by seesaw

Feeling stressed about today. I did get up this morning and go grocery shopping and go to a group meeting. But I'm supposed to.go to a co-workers house for a BBQ and she's invited all the staff and I don't know if I want to spend my Saturday afternoon hanging out with co-workers. But then again I'll feel bad if I'm the only one who doesn't go. I don't know how to handle this really.

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If you don't want to go, then you don't have to be there. If you don't show up, then tell them that something came up or you didn't feel well. That always worked for me.

Today is a typical Saturday for me. Pretty busy with domestic stuff but nothing much socially going on. Nothing planned for tonight. I'm just going to watch a movie by myself, like I always do.

[Ceara1010]

Hi everybody,

I am trying to change my sleep patterns and so far am failing. I don't have insomnia; I just want to keep more normal hours. As it stands, I've been staying up all night and going to bed about 6am and getting up around 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

Hoping to begin to change this, I never went to bed Friday morning in the hopes that it would make me sleepy enough to go to bed Friday night around 2am. But it didn't work. I didn't get to bed until 5am.

(I'm supposed to be at my sister's right now, and I'm not there. I have gotten distracted here at PC.)

I have moved beyond the anxious state I was in most all of yesterday. It lasted all day, but gradually got better. I went to the Anxiety chat group last night, which helped. We talked a lot about managing panic attacks. I've only had one, real panic attack and it was decades years ago.

But I've experienced severe panic, long term. Not long ago, I was in a state of severe panic continually for about a year and a half when I was living in a residential community for people with MI. The conditions I felt during that time exactly match those of a panic attack, except for the short duration. It was awful. I slept little the entire time I was there because the panic kept me awake. I don't know why I was in that state that whole time; I have never been able to figure it out. It only stopped after I moved out of the community and in with my family.

That doesn't mean that living with my folks is a good thing. Here, I'm not in a state of continual panic. But I am waaaaaaaaay more depressed.

Thanks for listening,

--Ceara1010

Spent the day switching between napping and watching netflix. I'm not feeling good. I'm so sick of feeling like this all the time. I don't see a way out. I don't see this getting better.

i havent felt this alone in a long time

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by splash

Hi Racheli,

I don't have an answer for you about the server, but I did want to say I visited your website, and I like it a lot. Great design and content ideas. Good job!

I noticed that the URL on your profile page had an addtional http:// , so that when you click on it, you come to a page not found error page. Just wanted you to know.

I bookmarked your site as there is a lot to see. Thanks for sharing!

splash

OK, wrong post is quoted. I meant to quote Ceara, regarding the scheduling difficulty we have...

I got into the habit of no habit because I was self employed and preferred working at night. The only problems are daytime appoinments for docs etc, and the usual office bonding including lunches with coworkers. But just to let you know I had exactly the same push me pull you with the schedule. I wish you lots of reorientation with your nighttime schedules.

Uh oh, Tapatalk is doing that obnoxious quoting error. :/ I was replying to Ceara.

deleted.

Feeling crappy. Thought I was coming out of this a bit, I had a few days where I felt kind of ok and I felt safe. Turns out it was a lie. I think I was just too tired to do anything...now I've caught up with a bit of sleep all the same thoughts are coming back.

[Ceara1010]

Hello,

I spent last evening with my sister as usual (we get together every Saturday) and it was less frustrating than usual--meaning I did not get to the point I had to resist the desire to slap her. I don't know if this is because she was listening more, or if this was because I was just more patient.

We have come a long way, though, communication-wise. We have been doing this Saturday get together for two years now. The first year, every evening went by with her doing pretty much all the talking and me getting a few words in here and there, if I pushed hard enough. (And she talks so loud, she practically shouts.) Now she actually lets me carry half the conversation, though she doesn't listen to a lot of what I say and I have to repeat myself a lot because of this. And often, if she doesn't like something I say, she'll pretend I said something she does like, and will shape her response according to that.

What usually holds the evenings together is we always watch something we both really like a lot. Right now, we have been going through the first two seasons of Silicon Valley on DVD. We love the show so much we have to pause it every few minutes and talk about what just happened, or who-said-what, etc. The show is a dead-on satire of the tech industry, with many characters based on real people. Both she and I used to be IT professionals, so we relate to the show a lot.

Luckily, we do have some common interests and tastes that connects us. Otherwise, I think we would barely ever speak to each other.

--Ceara1010

An OK day for me, but not a great day emotionally. I went to church this morning. When I got out to where they serve that coffee and stuff, I stood around and no one wanted to talk to me. That seems to happen quite a bit of times. One time I had a small counseling session with the Pastor and he told me that he senses that I don't feel comfortable around other people. That's why they avoid me.

I stood around waiting quite a while to see my friend. But I could see him in the distance talking to all kinds of people. It took a long time for him talking to those people; so I couldn't wait for him. I took off and went home. He and I never ended up talking to each other.

I feel like I am entirely different from the people at the church. So I'm considering leaving there for good. I've been going there for three years. It's very heartbreaking that it has to come down to this. My friend would never want me to leave, but I feel like maybe it's the best thing to do.

[PsychNitrous]

Today has been so hard. I've barely been able to keep my anxiety in check, and I just feel like everything is so overwhelming. I don't know how to say anything without completely flipping out, so I've flinched away from my bf almost every time he's touched me. I found an excuse to move to the other side of the couch, and it's helped to have some physical distance. I'm just trying to focus on the calming game I've been playing, and I can relax some.

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[seesaw]

Feeling anxious about sleep tonight. Worried that I slept too much during the day and won't be able to get back to sleep tonight. And that will screw up my day tomorrow.

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[mulan]

Not bad but also not good. In the mean term.
I want very badly to get rid of some assays. But the more I think they are almost finished the less I do.

Next week I am going on my first trip by plain. I feel ashamed that I have traveled so little, but I am not that excited.
I don't like the fact that I don't get thrilled or can't imagine future events like this one. Specially because there's many things I will do for the first time and it's hard to imagine when I don't have memories to support my imagination on. But I am not someone that looks up to the future. Present, present, present...

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by will19

An OK day for me, but not a great day emotionally. I went to church this morning. When I got out to where they serve that coffee and stuff, I stood around and no one wanted to talk to me. That seems to happen quite a bit of times. One time I had a small counseling session with the Pastor and he told me that he senses that I don't feel comfortable around other people. That's why they avoid me.

I stood around waiting quite a while to see my friend. But I could see him in the distance talking to all kinds of people. It took a long time for him talking to those people; so I couldn't wait for him. I took off and went home. He and I never ended up talking to each other.

I feel like I am entirely different from the people at the church. So I'm considering leaving there for good. I've been going there for three years. It's very heartbreaking that it has to come down to this. My friend would never want me to leave, but I feel like maybe it's the best thing to do.

Hi, Will. Before you began going to your friend's church, was there a different one you used to go to where you felt more at home? It might be a great idea to go back, because a place that should be uplifting and isn't, is a bad message to give yourself.

And your friend can still be your friend. I'm sure he would be happy that you are only changing churches and not friends. Good luck.

[Angelique67]

This year has been aggressively bad for me, and it's only half over. The weather has been beautiful but here I am, with hardly any times I've been outside, while a beautiful spring is going on outside. Maybe it's just as well that I can't really cry on my meds.

I'm getting more and more forgetful too, and it scares me to death.

[Ceara1010]

So, my earlier post was relatively "up" I guess. Now I've got to report a "down."

I just spent some time in the gratitude thread in the Coffee House and couldn't come up with anything I'm grateful for, and that's discouraged me. I am trying to post there everyday and am struggling with this. Not that I expected it to be easy; I knew it wouldn't be. But I thought I was doing better in this area. :-|

--Ceara1010

[leomama]

I am hurting so bad tonight I took some seroquel to shut it off even though I don't have 8 hours to sleep.

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ugh, it's getting to me again.

[PsychNitrous]

I've been at work less than an hour and I'm already making myself sick. I want to go home and hide, I don't want to be out in the world with people. I don't want to go to my therapy appointment tomorrow. I just want to give up on everything.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Hi, Will. Before you began going to your friend's church, was there a different one you used to go to where you felt more at home? It might be a great idea to go back, because a place that should be uplifting and isn't, is a bad message to give yourself.

And your friend can still be your friend. I'm sure he would be happy that you are only changing churches and not friends. Good luck.

I have been going to churches for many years. It seems like within the last 20 - 30 years or so, I have never found a church that I really felt at home at. There were some good times in some of the churches I had been to, but nothing worth remembering. For some reason, I guess being single and having a mental illness of some kind; people just don't understand. It's like if you don't act like the rest of the fold, then just forget it. It's so sad that it has to be that way.

I have been afraid to leave the church because of having my only friend just drift away. He is a good friend, but there are lots of times that he could be better. He is very critical of me and cannot take any criticisms for himself. Also there are times when he can act inappropriately towards me - like making an advance at me. I don't care for those things at all.

So that's how it is. Thank you for replying.

i need to be held and there's nobody to do that *curls up into ball*