Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I'm still so tired today. I called my GP yesterday to get a thyroid test done, just to make sure that what I'm really dealing with is depression and not a medical issue. Everything worked out great with that, he's not even making me set up an appointment with him. Just called in the lab tests and will contact me when he gets the results. But now I almost don't even want to go, because when they called me back this morning to let me know the test was set up, they told me that I had one done in 2015 and it was fine. To be completely honest, after calling yesterday I kind of got my hopes up that it could be a thyroid problem. I'm just hoping that my horomone levels have just completely tanked in the last year and it really is a medical problem.

Today turned out surprisingly good. I've been trying to focus on taking care of myself and I'm doing pretty well so far. I went to the gym in the morning (which put me in a better mood) and took a relaxing bath when I came back home.
I've been watching videos and reading articles by an online life coach I recently found and I found some of them to be really helpful.

So sorry

feeling better right now...... my mind is blown between family problems and surgery for me as well as financial issue. A big thing for me is the New President. His value system has hurt me greatly and I am very fearful!!

I understand more then you know but I keep putting one foot in front of the other for now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

start with something very small.... a candy bar or a song or a coffee out somewhere

Me too.....the mornings for me are the very worst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thyroid alternates between "normal" and high "abnormal". So, it's very possible this could happen to you too.

Very slow at work today and the day seemed to drag. I went to have my blood drawn early this morning for a check up. I hope that it comes out alright. I felt like this was kind of a day that wasn't very stellar. Not terrible, but not where I personally would want it to be.

One more day at the er is finished. For me things are very black and white it is or great or the worst. So I guess I could summarize my day as that... Black and white.
The bad things I said and did make me feel ashamed. The little things I did good make me feel proud.
But these days are always intense. I started the day very anxious, I was more depersonalized than usual. But in the second half of the day I started to feel more at ease. Still depersonalized anyway.

I am so hoping it's something like that. To have some sort of medical problem that's causing this depression would be like a blessing for me, it would mean so much less work to deal with. And I'd be able to go through my GP for medication and such, instead of having to hope that whatever psychiatrist I'm seeing will hear my problems.

Thanks, I'm trying hard to keep going. There are too many people who count on me for me to really give up, but today was one of those days when I wish I could.

I don't want to face the day at all. I just know it's going to be a bad day.

I haven't been well these past couple of days, mostly due to sleeping too much.

I was reading an overview of some show supposedly known for its accurate portrayal of clinical depression. I could only get through so much - so many thoughts and conflicts were familiar, especially those of self-hatred and existential dread. I couldn't stomach it. I hate myself for being so weak, but it just hurt to read and think about. I'm not watching it, that's for sure.

My colleagues do dinners and get togethers all the time. I never go. I think about going, but I never have the courage to do so.
This week someone sugested for us to do one of those exit games. You get looked in a room and you try to find the codes and the clues to open the door.
This time I went. The game was fun. I somehow, got to be named the "Cristiano Ronaldo" (the "best" socer/football player). I don't think I did anything that special, but some thought so.
But this was an opportunity for myself to compare me with other people. They all had some sort of plans for today. A girl had some fancy dance classes, most of them had dinner and party plans, one was going to attend a classic concert.
I live in a rural zone, I am born from a working class family, I am not so that much cultured. They are from the big city, many atended private schools. I feel like I have nothing to offer to this people. And then listening to them talking about their one month vacations to thailand... I live in the town the family of some girl as a summer house, a big house with a pool, I bet. It just feel like everyone is rich and well borned or that they are used to partying a lot. Bahhh. I am so plain.

It was fairly busy at work today. A couple of guys were laid off and I heard that there's more on the way. The guys were middle aged and had worked at the place longer than I have. I couldn't understand it. They seemed like great workers. It's scary to me; and I wonder how are they going to find another job.

Been feeling bummed and depressed through most of the day; and evening. I worked out and that made me feel better. Feeling very alone.

My blood test result did not come in today. So I guess I'll have to wait until Monday to find out. I've been climbing the walls with anxiety about it. I'm thinking the worst.

The maintenance man will be having surgery this coming Monday. I thought that the company would provide a replacement for him, but it appears that it's going to be me. I hardly know anything about his job and it's very complex. It's not like being a maintenance man at a hotel or apartment complex. This is a high-tech place with lots of machinery.

I didn't do much of anything today. I slept late and I tried to make some headway with household chores and such but I just wasn't feeling it. Ended up making hot dogs for dinner because that is all I had the energy to do and then I chilled out in front of the T.V. I just don't feel like doing anything. It's like I'm doomed to either not do anything or not complete anything.

Went for endoscopy this morning. I found being rendered nearly unconscious a pleasant experience.

Me too.

Sorry to hear that.

Did your day get better?

Try to remember that that abusive negative talk is the sickness- not really who we are. It hurts tremendously. Think about this- if someone you know, who appears strong, suddenly had to deal with this excruciatingly disorienting disease, could they hold on? I know many would not be as strong as we find ourselves. You are strong . Please remember, you are withstanding more than the other person has even imagined. You are stronger than you know. I am strong. We are strong together.

Today I stayed in all day to revise for my exam. I'm utterly fed up with it, its on Monday and I can't wait for it to be over ugh!

I feel fine. I feel a bit drunk. I had a nice day.

Cranky.

Cranky.