Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

In some way I think so as well. Not that I'm depressed all the time, but I have accepted that when I'm depressed that is how it is ...

Bad day today. I mean on the outside I feel like I am okay. But inside....ugh. I am getting through every minute, every second, by a thread.

I feel tired, but OK.

I feel horrible today. Extremely sad and miserable.I can't stop crying and I feel anxious and disoriented.

Things are very slow with work lately. It will be next month when the Maintenance man will be off for his surgery. I feel like since I'm not busy at my job, I can be very available to do his. It's just that I don't know how to do his job and it's not a kind of work I'm crazy about.

I'm feeling like I really enjoy this time of year. The weather is cool, we get rain that we normally don't get, and that I can close my windows and not hear anything. Also there's no one at the pool area to bother me. But I get the feeling it can be all downhill next month with the Maint. man gone and going for the check-up from the doctor. And then after that, it will get warmer and back to the Spring and Summer yuck.

Woke up around 6am but couldnt get out of bed before 8.15am. Strangely the panic attacks or depression wasnt so severe, still I couldnt. It was a lack of desire to leave my area of comfort, it was as if somebody was holding me down in bed.

Today I need to take shower and wash my hair and see my ENT in the aft. Let's see if i can. I already feel a little anxious.

Had a the blues bad today for a couple of hours but after a nap I feel a little better.

You aren't invisible to me. I'm late with reading my subscribed threads lately, but I always notice you.

I started crying at work... I feel genuinely awful today...

I feel sluggish and exhausted today from the results of last weeks car accident plus several days of not being able to sleep.

Then, my sister started giving me a hard time this morning so now I'm just in my room.

I was supposed to go pick up my prescriptions from the doctor's office today but I don't even have the energy to go get into the car to drive all the way to the office.

Today was awful. I've been trying to stay active and try different coping skills, but I always end up sabotaging myself and using self-destructive behaviors. I'm in so much pain right now, both mentally and physically. I don't know what to do anymore.
I made some poor decisions today that will probably have their consequences tomorrow, so that makes it even harder to get back on track. It feels like a never ending cycle...

Not so much depression today as a sense of being sick and tired it's all the same.

Today was a decent day. I slept to long and then went out for tacos...

Today seemed like a weird day. At first when I entered into work, there was a Fire Engine with it's lights going. It was a false alarm. And then I was told by a co-worker (the maintenance man who will be off next month) that there's going to be a lunch meeting with pizza from our manager. I was never informed of that. I kept milling over in my mind - why is it that they don't tell me things that I need to know about?

I fixed lunch that I brought and had cooked and ate it at 12:30; figuring that the manager was not going to come. I still had not heard from anyone about the lunch. It turned out that I was called into the meeting at 12:50. I didn't have room to eat pizza since I had finished my lunch.

Then I felt like I had put my foot in my mouth. I felt like I said something that I shouldn't have said. It was about the maintenance man going to be off and what's going to happen. I said that I'm not very well experienced in doing his work. I have never been trained in it and there's a whole lot to it. It's never been my line of work.

Also I mentioned that I made lunch because no one told me about the pizza for lunch and the meeting. At the end of the day, I was feeling like I might get let go from work. I felt so bad about myself.

I managed to do all of the above, but there were accompanying feelings of panic and depression throughout - very distressing.

Good that you said about being inexperienced in the maintenance man's work. They may train you before the man leaves for surgery. Please dont worry.

I guess i'm not really suicidal (because I don't have a plan in place,, I don't have any notes written), but I am feeling bad.

I am doing better than I was. Not really depressed.

So depressed. Time seems to move so slow. It feels surreal right now.

Thanks for your reply. At the meeting, it was mentioned that the manager will assign someone part-time, who does that kind of work, to fill in for him. This man will come sometime this week; and the maintenance man will show him around. When that happens, I plan to spend some time going along with them, if they want me to. I hope this happens. Sometimes the Company can come up with a good idea and then not follow through.

Also, Maintenance work is not something right for me. I would never apply for a Maintenance job if there was an opening. It's not something you can jump right into overnight. Even being shown around, I could forget how to do something, especially if it's a crisis situation. The Maintenance Man is 62 years old and has done it all of his life. I can do some pieces of work that's simple and I will do it if asked, or if I see something that needs to be worked on.

I just want to stay in bed.

the same depression and disturbing panic attacks...did a little bit of housework, but couldn't manage a shower

Seems like I'm doing better today. I woke up a little late this morning but I convinced myself to go to te gym after not leaving the house in the past 2 days.
I'm feeling better anxiety wise too so that's good

I lost my mind last evening. l may have to radically change my situation.

I'm doing ok