Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I am feeling good today. Nice for change

I've decided, rather than keep fighting my depression, to embrace unhappiness as a routine part of my life. Because whenever I embrace fighting my depression and chasing happiness I just end up feeling more lost, like I'm striving for an unattainable goal. And the rare moments I've been truly happy were so short-lived, their passing only brought on even more depression. The only 'happiness' I experience from now will be from alcohol or drugs.

From now on, I am going to embrace depression, embrace my ED, embrace self harm and self-destruction, because those are the only consistent things in my life and it's been that way for so long now that it's ludicrous to expect my life will turn out any other way.

(Sorry. Am experiencing anhedonia and dissociation. Thought I was over this...)

People irritate me too.... I sure wish they didnt

Hope you find the place soon

Very frustrated and angry ....

I was a bit numb at the funeral today. I was very grateful that my boyfriend took the day off to be with me. I was also surprised to see all the people and support and I could feel their genuine care and support for our family. Now it will be time to be there for my dad, but as he expressed, and I understand, he needs some time alone to grieve which I hope he gets soon. He has a pacemaker and only one lung and is near to needing a new pacemaker so I hope he will be okay with us checking more often and coming to see him. It was very hard for him, he carries some guilt and thinks he could have made some mistakes with her care, so we all assure him he did the best he could and no one is perfect. They were together for 56 years. It is beginning to hit me that there will be no more hugs, talks, or calls with my mom. I know she is at peace and her suffering is over.

Thanks to everyone for your hugs of support

You shouldnt be self destructive. My best wishes for you.

Feeling "meh."

Been going through a patch where nothing feels "right". My romantic life, my school life, and my job situation.

eating too much

not much hope for anything

crap week just getting worse

Thank you. I've avoided self harm and no longer feel like doing it for the moment.

I am just glad it's friday

signals the end of another bad week

side note: I don't know why I actually say this, because in reality, it leads in to a bad weekend (and nothing ever changes, so it could actually be the
same week)

I guess I say it for something to say

It's Friday and Star Trek TOS is on through morning I think. Nothing bad can happen if Star Trek is on.

Things have been going pretty well for me lately. Things have been taken care of very well at work since the Maintenance man is out. But I've been upset at some of the lay offs that have happened. Some, who have recently been let go, were a surprise to me because they were very influential and good employees. It's scary for me. I wouldn't know how to handle it if (or when) it happens to me.

Feeling quite alone and once again having urges to relapse back into self-harm. Nothing is enjoyable anymore and this existence of just going through the days on autopilot, with nothing at all to look forward to, is making me crazier. I find myself getting irritable over little things and thinking bad thoughts about people close to me, even snapping at them. There is nothing that can give me a break from my mind, not even meditation anymore. I only hope I'll be able to sleep tonight, and without the strange and unsettling dreams that I've been having lately.

I feel really bad tonight.

Feeling calmed down, after an upsetting evening

Very busy day and winding down. Did my income taxes. I'm very pleased with getting refunds. I could use it today, but I'll have to wait a while. Very lonely day, though.

My frame of mind seems to be at the mercy of how I'm being talked to by my sig. other. That's immature of me . . . but I told him to stop criticising me, or I'm go home and leave him here alone.

I am fairly spaced out.. With the constant nagging thoughts trying to get out of this depressive state

What is this feeling? Loneliness? I know that sometimes it feels like I belong on a different planet very very far from here, but I didn't think it would go this far. I wonder, since there's different types of love, are there different types of loneliness as well? Or is it just different situations that lead to loneliness?

I have restless leg really bad. It got worse just in the past half hour. I will have to stand up again at the kitchen counter and do my plantar fasciitis exercises. They help to stretch the muscles. I'm feeling very down. The pos janitor triggered me a while ago in the previous hour.

ETA: (just as I was starting to drift off to sleep. I hope he spends eternity in his hell.

That pos keeps triggering me as I try to make my legs relax. I want to

Just want to say again that I would never jeopardize myself or anyone else.