Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I'm struggling with motivation, trying to keep on top of home, family, work and studying. I was off sick last week with a terrible stomach virus and I've got lazy! maybe its post viral fatigue?
I want to get some chores done today so spending some time on here then doing a chore then sitting down again, seems I have to do life in bite sized pieces today.

Feeling neutral today... decided I probably shouldn't try to go back to school which means I need to start requesting medical records to file for disability benefits. It sucks admitting that I can't do anything useful with my life...

I'm in isolation mode.

A slow day at work today. Funny thing is that most of the action for the whole day happened when I was eating lunch. It seems like that never fails.

I did not sleep well last night. So I feel more depressed today. I talked to my 80-year old friend last night and he depressed me. There are times when he can have a knack to depress me. Mostly because he can not understand how I feel. While in bed last night, trying to sleep, my thoughts were about how I had blown so many things in the past.

Today I read in an article (on Psych Central) about Borderline Personality. It sounded so much like me with the way I react to things and how I was raised by my parents. I had been feeling some depression today - thinking about how it seems like I have to put myself out for others. And no one is putting themselves out for me.

Also I was reading on another forum board that I used to be on (I can still access it even though I deleted my profile from it) and a woman had posted her gratitude towards all of the other posters. She never mentioned me. A couple of times a few months ago, she and I had spoken on the phone to each other. We were going to get together one time, but I bailed out because I didn't like her.

Today was kind of a down day for me. I just feel like I can't do anything right and I'm forgetting more and more. I was doing so well I thought after I got discharged from the hospital almost 2 weeks ago, but the depression seems to be creeping back in

I put myself on an emotional rollercoaster this evening. Everything just hurts but just for a moment I don't want to be ashamed. Actually, I want to spread a little love...

Have a good night everyone, and may tomorrow be a little brighter.

I've been pretty neutral for much of the day today, though there were some clear high and low points, it wasn't as bad as a couple days ago.

I guess i'd describe myself as neutral as well

it certainly wasn't the best day (half of it was spent binge eating, the other wasted), but wasn't the worst either- and I didn't feel suicidal which is something

How in the world do people think they are helping me by hurting me?? They wouldn't even treat their dog the way they've treated me. I resent people.

crumbling

I know exactly how you feel. My old man friend is that way. He criticizes me and then he says that he's only trying to help me. But yet when I get critical with him, oh boy!, it's like "how dare you!". My late parents were very much that way, also.

Today was just more of the same for me, more depression and numbness.

today was just another wasted day.

I did watch a christmas commedy special on TV (which I suppose was average), but to be honest I don't have a reason to smile or be happy

Still on the fence about what to with my life... wish I didn't have to make this decision, that someone else could for me. On the bright side, started with a new therapist today. Seems to be a good fit so far. I might get to be part of a research study through her which would be interesting...

Day 3 in bed.
Can't barley eat.
Can't stop crying.
My chest aches with sorrow.

I feel myself drowning.
Bad urges but fighting that.

I feel so overwhelmed and defeated today. I just want to quit my job, I don't feel like I'm any good at it anyway. I wish I could just stay home and in bed all day.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. I don't know why or how, but for once, I won't question it.

This well interval I've been having continues to roll along. I almost screw it up, now and then, with a bad attitude . . . but I rein that in. I just tell myself to knock it off. Wish I'ld catch myself sooner than I do.

If you want I would like to know why you want to quit your job

I've been struggling at work lately, and I just feel hopeless over it. I'm tired of trying to improve.

Did your supervisor give you an ultimatum? I am asking this because if there is an external pressure it could be more difficult

No, I've been given no ultimatum. In fact, my supervisor told me last week that if it were leading to termination, the warning I got would've been a tiny step. So there really is no threat to my job right now, not from them anyway.

That is good, I think. But then you are not happy with your performance, I guess

I'm not happy with it. I want to do my best, and I feel embarrassed when I can't handle work that I've been doing.

I understand you. I went through the same. On top of my depression, I had osteomyelitis unknowingly. Both conditions interacted with each other and I was in a really bad shape and unable to perform. It is very hard. Please check your general health. I thought it was just my depression but that was wrong. I struggled a lot until I collapsed. I send you a big hug