Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

...I went numb again today. I know it'll pass, but it's still annoying.

Well, it turned out to be a pretty good day this afternoon. I got my laptop to work again by myself. And then I took that Traffic Court course online and passed it. It was not that hard but it took about a couple of hours. And now that's done with.

I felt sad later in the afternoon and I didn't know why. I worked out and then I felt better. But after that I went to the pool area and it was locked up. I don't know why they locked it up. That happened a couple of weeks ago one night. I think that the person who is responsible for locking and unlocking the pool area forgot to unlock it today. It seems like lately that has happened a few times. The incompetency by the HOA at where I live amazes me!

The only thing besides the VP coming to visit the store that wasn't a good thing would be a customer giving me more change after i had already entered the transaction in to do the math. No matter how easy the math is, I just cannot do it sort of dyslexia is maybe the best way to describe it... One of things that almost no one understands.. So customer gets annoyed and almost angry at me?? Okay then. It only took me a few seconds to get the calculator.

Since yesterday, I had a bunch more snapping turtle type of biting my tongue and inner left cheek. I'm worried I'll either get sepsis or something else terrible. I just can't get a break.

it is too early to really tell how my day is going to go (not even 10 A.M), but I am feeling good currently

I didn't sleep, but isn't that obvious

I feel like crap today. I had a dream last night that made me start wondering if marrying my husband was a mistake. I can't get it out of my head now, and it's making me sick...

Today is the first day in a few months that I don't think I've felt even somewhat depressed. I am still dealing with lots of emotions and feelings, especially considering where I was a week ago.

I was feeling reasonably well yesterday. Told myself to just focus on my job, keep my head down and get through the end of the year. Then today it all went to he!! I just want to be happy, but each day gets harder and harder. And I don't honestly think anyone cares. I am just 1 of 7 billion, so fairly inconsequential.

I am not having a good day. called in to work because my "kid was sick" while telling my wife i was staying home because of one of my "headaches"

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Everyone has let me down because of a few misguided individuals. Goes to show how easily people are influenced. No backbone.

i'm actually pretty relieved.

yesterday I spent 2 hours online to a technitian trying to fix an issue, and they kept telling me- oh know, we can't fix it, it has to be your end

so it was quite frustrating to say the least being passed around the diffrent technitians

well, point is, I logged in and it's fixed.

(it was something to do with 1 of my accounts on a service)

and they fixed it

so yay. i'm told for 2 hours yesterday it can't be fixed, and today they fixed it.

so i'm happy, and actually quite relieved about it

I just hurt. I don't know why, I just woke up this way. I mean, at least I'm now sleeping normal hours. But I'm still not functioning.

Doing OK today. A rough spot happened with my boss, but it wasn't bad just miscommunication. Worked out I think.

I am not okay.

I feel alive again. I don't feel good, but at least the numbness stopped.

I have been feeling alright lately. I think that December, January, and February tend to be good months for me over the years. It's just getting into March and springtime that's bad for me. Spring tends to be the time that I go to doctors for check ups. And in the last few years, there had been something wrong. But they are minor. It's still a hassle to deal with the minor problems just as much as the major ones.

Bleeeaaaarrgh I'm stuck in that numb state where I don't care about anything. But, I did play with some markers today even if I didn't actually draw anything. Just played with colors. Sometimes making blobs of color is all I can muster but it is kind of therapeutic. Also I managed to pack up a couple of orders for customers. I call that a win. I am spending far too much time in bed.

i'm not doing so well.

partly because I spent the majority of yesterday trying to get rid of memories of a flashback (the wworst i've had in a few months, and the music is still clear in my head!) and partly because yesterday just went to ****.

I wanted to watch the live musical hairspray on tv and order in a takeout

but sod it

Doing considerably better since winter sadness crept in here and there. I am trying to work on seeing a couple of friend's I've known for a long time, but do not see that often. I basically have like 4 friends and maybe some acquaintances I rarely ever see. Anyways I am telling myself to take initiative to get out there and get rid of what loneliness is left.

I don't like looking desperate when I send more texts after I don't get replies, but of course in most cases I wonder why they are upset at me or what I did to upset them. Reading these online articles that I am boring, they don't respect me enough, or are upset with me are possibilities that aren't making me feel any better. I don't know if I should just send another text another time and possibly look annoying or if I should straight up ask if they got my text. One of my friends in particular just doesn't reply half the time until she actually wants to do something which is beyond annoying.

So what I read is that I am an unworthy and annoying person when it could be the other case and they just are busy. It's hard to tell what are normal interactions and what actually means almost no one likes me I guess.

So far I'm just cleaning my place and will do some shopping later on. I was doing alright. But then my friend called me and said that he was going to bake some bread at home. I was hoping that he would come and visit with me. I thought that he said that he might do that last night. So I'm pretty disappointed. But I have a lot to do. I feel like I want another friend very badly.

What difference would it even make to say what's going on, nobody would believe this life I lead. It's so over the top and insane. Suffice to say, it was so bad, being triggered with a bloody flock of pigeons escaping their bloody coop and finding their way onto my roof that I just drank and slept. Exactly that. All day long. There was not enough normalcy anywhere to reach into a claim it as a regulator. Nothing but pain.

Doing alright today... Resolved my troubled thoughts on my marriage and I feel a lot better now. Got everything in place to go back to college in the spring so I'm looking forward to that. And the nerdy christmas sweater I ordered arrived today which made me happy. Looking forward to the holidays and getting to see my dad and brother in a couple weeks.

Having an awesome day. Took the pups to the vet early for vaccinations. Got home and took all of us on a nice long walk. Warmer than it's been in several days so was nice to be out. Watched some self-help/improvement videos. Went to lunch at my favorite place in town. Went to the book store and got some more books. Walked the pups again. Just had dinner. Kept busy and spent very little time online. As I thought yesterday, if I spend less time looking online for people to fill my alone time, and more time doing other things to keep busy and my mind off of the loneliness, things will be better. And so far today they are. Going to try again tomorrow. Looks promising.

Feeling better than yesterday, not great, but better.