Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I'm depressed and my depression seems to have me fixated on my computer science class and those involved with it - I can't help but feel like they must all think I don't belong and I'm some silly girl who will never be able to effectively write code. Of course, I know this isn't true and that probably none of them are thinking of me at all... but it's really exhausting to be constantly challenging negative thoughts and trying to convince myself to be more positive.

all i've been able to do today is eat, eat, eat, then eat some more

binging is about the only thing that's helping me cope today

(i've not even put any music on, I don't feel like it)

Had a great day yesterday. Feeling a little down this morning. Not as terrible as some weekends and I really haven't started to get busy yet so understandable. Hopefully will get started shortly and be busy through the day. I hope.

I'm not really depressed today.

Having a good day so far. Thrilled that I don't have to do anything to my hair anymore to make it look nice (I got a free permanent straightening treatment because the salon I go to needed a model). Did a workout routine this morning for the first time in months, and it felt great. Now I'm just hanging out listening to the new Metallica album which I'm enjoying.

I feel like I can't quite work out my plans for today. I have to make phone calls - to my mother and to the restaurant and I'm getting increasing anxiety now because I have to rely on other people again. And I'm so afraid of calling my mother. I don't know why. I haven't spoken to her since over a week ago. She hasn't wanted me calling, for whatever reason.

The new Metallica album is really cool isn't it? Worth the 8 year wait imo.

And also, I can't figure out what time to call, because it's important that I make both of those calls but they compete for the same general time slot.

Well, I did it again today! I went to another church to see what it's like. I instantly didn't like it. It looked like something that I would not have felt comfortable with. After leaving there, I felt like I was torturing myself in my mind; and how I can't seem to do anything right. I can practically hear people telling me that. I guess I'll have to go on "church hiatus" for a month since it's the holiday season.

I don't know if I'm going to go bike riding today or not. Early this morning there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. And now (at 11:15AM) it's completely overcast and threatening to rain. That's the way it is at this time of year where I am.

I called a friend up (not my old man friend) just now and see if he would have anything going on for today. I just left a message. Last week we had a meeting about starting a group. I have not heard from him all week. Also I have not heard from my sister in a few weeks. Every time I talk to her, she always says that she's very busy and tired. I get so sick of hearing that.

11:15am ? So you are not in the USA? I always thought you lived in the USA.

Oh... You must be on the west coast!

I'll trade rain for the snow we're currently getting

Yes, that's correct.

Was an OK day on the whole. Didn't keep myself as busy as yesterday, but did get a few things done. That helped. Will be generally happier tomorrow when I get to work and can be around people again. So not feeling the typical Sunday night blues.

I invited a friend and her daughter to spend Xmas eve with me at home. I was going to spend that day by myself but then I found out that my friend's daughter got abused by her uncle (he is the brother in law of my friend) so they were not going to spend Holidays at this uncle home like they were used to. Lastly I started disliking my friend. She lies and is a kind of drama queen. Also, sometimes she is slightly like a serpent. Deeply, I think she is not malicious but immature and a bit narcissistic. After many years without seeing each other, we met again relatively recently. But I feel really sorry for her daughter who is somehow like emotionally subject to my friend in a way that is not fair to the girl. For example my friend does not want to report the abuse. Instead, she and her daughter will just withdraw from the abuser and his family. This is wrong from all points of view but my friend says her daughter's psychiatrist does not want the girl to deal with any judicial process.
On the other hand, my brother, who lives upstairs, may want to join us. OMG! I do not enjoy being with him. But it seems he is really alone this time. It is not going to be easy with him around and my friend, who behaves hysterically sometimes.
Anyway, let'see what Xmas brings this time. I want to be more proactive and take action to avoid isolation

It turned out to be a better day as the day wore on. Better than yesterday. Yesterday was a dull day. I met with my friend who is close to my age and single like I am. We had some very good talks between us. He said that he has appreciated my insights into life and stuff. He had gone through a lot of depression himself in his life. He said that as of now, he is not struggling with it. I'm happy for him. Things seem to be working out well for him lately.

I was able to take a one hour bike ride today. It never rained. I could have gone for more, but I was busy with other things this afternoon.

3am and I can't sleep... troubled thoughts again. I've lost faith that I'll be able to do alright in school or work... maybe I should just give up. Meanwhile, really worried about my friend because he's dealing with some rough stuff too. I just wish I could solve my problems and everyone else's which is of course way too much to ask...

I wish I had some help but everyone has abandoned me because of a psycho therapist.

is it something you can talk about?

might help..

apart from not sleeping, I am feeling pretty good.

little anxious, but not so much depressed

It's odd, I don't really feel depressed lately but I'm still struggling with depression-related stuff, like hypersomnia. and I'm having some issues with summoning the motivation to do regular stuff. At least I brushed my teeth and made some green tea. but my room is a mess. Not even sure where to begin...

I wish I could find a support chat or posting site where I can find collaboration or even various answers for some issues. I've joined a few that I've been apart of for awhile, mostly forums, but I can't feel settled as long as I've lost the the friends that I have. Thinking that there's something defective with me as a person is a pretty unavoidable line of thought as long as no one particularly cares. I can admit "no one" is not true and exaggerating but it's a loss when losing multiple people from a close support system.

I'm definitely not the most social person by any means, but I have always totally agreed that we are all instinctively social beings to some extent-- on some sort of spectrum. That is why it's hard for me to just be like "oh so now I have less friends.. No need to question it! Or ask them what I did wrong!" Because at the same time it feels inappropriate to express even a tiny bit of desperation to find out what the deal is to ease my inner emotional pain it causes at times.

I stayed in bed all day long, literally 18 hours. I just couldn't get out of bed for any meaningful time. So depressed today. Not sure what I was depressed about, maybe the weather.

a support chat would be nice

of course, their are the chatrooms here (which do see a fair amount of traffic,), but I know what you mean

I don't have anyone outside this forum, no one- so this is all I have

feeling emotionless

I know the day's going to start, it's going to be wasted and be boring, and it's going to end with me not getting any rest.

this is what I know

and the week is going so slow!

and each day even slower

it's only tuesday... ugg