Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

wishing my weekend was a little more than just feeling ugg.

can't believe it's now sunday and I have litirally wasted the whole weekend

(on friday I even drunk a can of cyder, I hardly ever drink)

i'm non suicidal though so that's good

nothing worse than having thoughts of suicide going about in your head really fast

I feel like I'm recovering from the awful funk I was in yesterday - which was all based on resentment against my boyfriend. In me, resentment leads to sulking, which leads to not wanting to do anything. It's awful.

I am letting his emotional neglect of me cripple me at times. This is kind of stupid on my part. I meet all of his needs. Then, because he ignores me, I get down and neglect myself.

But this is the only life we have :-(

Typical weekend. It's nice having some time to myself and it's kind of sad when it's about over. Fortunately, I like my job. But I like my solitude.

Nothing much went on socially, except for some quick calls from my friend and email messages. It's dawned on my that I have not spent any time with anyone in at least a month.

I have a coughing spell today. I've had it before but not a lot. It started happening last night while I was at the tail end of watching a movie. I think it started around 10 last night. I've had it all day today.

Hope your cough gets better.

I am same struggling with depression and panic attacks, but at least today I could take a shower and wash my hair.

Up all night. Less depressed now.

Maybe that sleep-deprivation-as-an-antidote-for-depression thing has some truth to it.

Still feeling depressed. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Just blah.

Depressed and angry ...

I thought I was doing better. Then some things changed. This month I am at a different specialty. This year I have to rotate between specialities all the time.
Where I am now there are few people and they all older. And they make me feel like a student.
The inadequacy thoughts don't leave me. But I am also tired. Doesn't help.

My monthly downward swing is starting again. I thought things were going to be OK today, but my mom started texting me earlier and I just wanted to sit here and cry. My morning at least was OK, I know I had some disturbing dreams again from the meds I was on, but I didn't remember them after I woke up. I guess I'm just going to have to push through the week. I see T tomorrow but I don't even want to go. Just don't see much point in it right now, since there is little she can do to help me improve my mood right now.

I felt better today than yesterday, but still under the weather. I normally workout on Mondays, but decided not to today because I wasn't up to it. It was a dreary day outside; cold and drizzly with some rain. That didn't help with the way I feel. I didn't sleep well last night.

Like I'm walking on wet asphalt.

I went shopping. Looking for cremation necklaces. Ever since the mother of my youngest biological son said she's ready to share his ashes with me, I am so incredibly emotional. As I was inquiring about necklaces at jewelry stores, I became very sad.
I also found myself going to the book store. As I slowly went through the store I was on the brink of tears, for what reason I don't know. Then I ended up in the self help/health section. And I bought some books I've been avoiding. About grief, loss of a loved one.

I think the Lexapro is working. I'm feeling a little less depressed. Still tired all the time. Hopefully things will continue to get better.

feeling relieved that the last two days are behind me. exhausted. it's hard not to compare myself with others in the family and not feel like a failure.

Haven't slept in basically 3 days. Pdoc is putting me on Trazodone to see if it will help, if not, we'll try Seroquel next.

It started off as an intense day. Just as I got into work, there was a major problem that the maintenance man would have handled. The air conditioning in the power room tripped off and it got up to 100 degrees (F) in that room. Obviously I didn't know what to do. I called one service contractor that we do business with. It took him a long time to get to the place. It was an emergency situation. When he came, he could not complete the job. So another repair company had to come. He fixed it within an hour. It took at least six hours to get that problem solved. Part of the hallway where people walk through was very hot. They were complaining about how hot it was.

Other than that I had a very good workout after work. I took a chance because I still felt slightly under the weather. And had a stressful day. I am feeling much better now. No fever and not much coughing. And then I went to the pool area and the Jacuzzi was cold. I felt like I really needed it after the kind of day that I had.

I am more or less able to handle the panic attacks and the depression is a little less but fluctuating. Self-care is still a problem. Haven't yet taken a shower, don't know if I'll be able to manage one today.

Feeling anxious and depressed. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist today and it has me really upset. It doesn't help that I've been waiting an hour. The anxiety just gets worse.

I know its a daily check in but this week has been a little rough. The other day in one of my classes we talked about what our goodbye would be to someone who passed and I though about my best friend who passed. I was in college when it happened so i didn't get to say my final goodbye to him and I've literally thought about this conversation since we had it and it was like Monday.

I definitely understand. I've been compared to people in my family especially my sister all my life whether its with weight,grades, looks, everything but honestly it made me stronger because I am my own person and i love me for me and thats all you can do. At the end of the day you will always have yourself so love yourself and ignore the comparisons.

I hope and pray my pdoc doesn't leave the clinic to go practise someplace else far away. Every three days, though, I start getting terrible restless legs/restless body. I'm very freaked out well in advance of ever coming up for review, thanks to those crap doctors in the hospital.

I feel beaten down. Today I slept until close to 4pm.

A much calmer day today at work than yesterday. I do like having an additional responsibility lately, simply because there's very little to do with my job alone. So when the maintenance man comes back I would have mixed emotions. I still don't feel comfortable in having his position. And much to my surprise the people at where I work are not aware that he's out and I have taken his place for now. He told me that he had sent out an APB messages to all the employees about the changeover, but I think it never got done.

Went to the pool area and the hot tub is still not working. I had notified someone from the HOA earlier this morning, whom I have contacted before. He's no longer at the company. That seems to happen a lot at HOA offices. So I'll have to contact someone else.

I didn't sleep well last night. Felt pretty empty inside when I got home. I cooked a nice meal and that would have cheered me up. I didn't feel cheered up by it.