Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Today seemed like a better day for me since being back at work on Tuesday. At least for now the Computer Card incident has been put on rest. I hope that I can get over it completely very soon. All it takes is one bad thing to happen to ruin my whole life, it seems.

feel like no one loves me

"Life" needs to cross the street when it sees me coming, remain calm, make no sudden movements of any kind, and make no attempt at eye contact or any kind of communication at all, really. This is HIGHLY ADVISABLE TODAY. This is a public service announcement.

Another three s day.

Very slow at work. Felt OK this morning. This afternoon, there were some little set-backs. One is that a co-worker, who is the maintenance man at where I work, told me that he will be out next month because he's having surgery. I don't know much about his job. Six months ago I had to fill in for him for a month when he was out for another kind of surgery. No one will be taking his place. Plus the fact that he's having surgery upsets me. He's my age. It has something to do with a ruptured intestine.

Also I had made plans to see my old man friend around 11AM tomorrow. I spoke with him about that last night and we both agreed that it would be a good time. He now just told me that he's going to a show at 10AM tomorrow. He didn't tell me about the show when I talked to him last night about seeing him. The reason I wanted to go to his place tomorrow is because he's offered some money for me that I need. I'd rather have that taken care of around noon than just starting at 2. Oh well!

Sigh. Sigh. And sigh again. I am playing the waiting game - still - regarding my health information. For goh sakes. It's been 10 weeks and they can't tell me what is wrong; what is the story going on with my health. It has now reached the point of indifference. Sigh. This is not going to end well.

I wish I could feel something beyond despair

just another **** day... and another day I'm expected to act like everything's normal.

it gets old fast. it really does

It's nice having the day off and time to myself. So I'll be cleaning and shopping. This morning I went to see my friend outside of a theater very briefly because he and his wife are going to see a show. He gave me a check to help me out with the expenses that I have. He then said to me, "me and my wife were talking about coming up with long term solutions for you". That made me feel very small and depressed. I couldn't help it that I had unexpected and higher than I though medical bills. That's what's been killing me. I never thought I'd see the day when it would come down to this. For so many years in my life, finances was never a struggle.

Pretty good day, been keeping busy, but am so exhausted now. Trying to relax and enjoy the weekend to the fullest.

I wish it wasn't snowing and blowing.... And soon freezing rain. As for me I just want to go somewhere and do something.

Lots of things to look forward to... Have a job interview tomorrow, college classes start in a week, been looking at houses with my husband, and finally have a lot of energy to do things. Going to try to keep myself busy so that I can stay like this, I figured out that I needed more structure in my life and now that I have it I seem to be a lot better.We'll see how things work out. I'm finally optimistic.

Put away the Christmas decorations. Some years that gets me all depressed. But this time I mainly felt a sense of accomplishment.

So I guess I'm doing pretty good.

I am feeling pretty good for a sunday.

I have 1 of my friends I email with coming back from vacation later, and I am certainly going to write to her and ask if she enjoyed it, what she did, etc
got my daily rooteen done in good time andn ow just listening to some dutch music (which for me is rather uplifting)

yeah feeling good... maybe going to watch a few episodes of ben and holly's little kingdom (guilty pleasure)

I have also decided to give reading another shot (I found a rebecca shaw book, and just need to read it)

I love her writing

Feel sad and alone

Falling back into my 'trap'. Here it is, a Sunday, and I'm at the office working on a day off. This is the kind of thing that gets me into trouble and I slowly start feeling SIs coming on. Why do I do this to myself? UGH!!!

It is what it is.

My day is very early now, so anything can happen. Early this morning I decided to go to a church that has a Sunday School or Bible Study. I went into the place and I just didn't like the looks of it. So I left. I felt so bad about myself when I left. As I was leaving, a couple of guys saw me and had a look as to why am I leaving. Well, maybe they were friendly. Perhaps I could try again next week.

I plan to go to a church service later on. It's a church that I went to three weeks ago for the first time. I had the impression that the people were friendly there. Maybe it will be good this time.

I feel like I have been doing a great job of sabotaging possibilities of making friends.

Feeling anxious about the work week ahead. If I can get through Monday-wed, I think thurs and Friday will be better.

Life seems to be drifting/rushing by. I need a life goal and a new direction.

Still grieving over having lost my job but grateful to have an interview at a great company on Wednesday but just a nervous wreck over it: nauseaus, crying, fearful. Feeling like they won't like me right off the bat because I'm an older employee and fat. I have two days to change my attitude; please say a prayer for me.

I'm leaving AA. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and I'm tired of being around unhappy people.

Slept most of the day because I didn't feel like moving. When I had to move it just ticked me off and I let everyone know it. Not a very happy camper today at all.

Feeling very low today, its my birthday and my present was my husband shouting at me cos he is stressed with the ongoing custody battle with his daughter. He was really rude, I feel hurt and have been crying this morning. I usually have voluntary work on Monday's but I called in sick cos I can't face it now.
I've even taken some diazepam, feel so alone and unwanted

Sorry to hear your birthday isn't going well. Sending Birthday hugs to you