Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I've noticed that from a previous post I did (about Ennui's cat), I got some hugs and thanks. But after that I made this post and only got one hug. It got me thinking that I may have cringed a lot of people. If I did, then I'm sorry. I looked at the post long after I posted it and felt like I cringed myself. I felt like I wished that I didn't post it. I did feel very bad after talking to her yesterday; and felt a sense that something could be wrong and rejection. It's very notorious in my family to keep secrets and lie.

Anyways I called my sister again today. She sounded better. She tells me that she spends a lot of time with her son who's on a High School Wrestling team; and they travel a lot for meets. It's not the only time that she spends a lot of time with him and her daughter. There are times when I wonder if she's overly involved with her children. But anyways, I do feel that she has done a better job caring for her kids than my late mother and father did for me. My parents didn't get nearly involved with me and my brothers.

I felt better talking to her today. She told me that she will try call me more often.

My mom passed away a few hours ago.... it was so awful watching her struggle today, she struggled for the past few months.. but I felt so helpless watdhing her trying to breathe. I'm feeling horrible to think of how she may have been feeling, I so wish she could have died peacefully and easily. I don't think I will sleep for days, I feel almost traumatized watching what she went through. Makes you realiz4 that all the arguments, blaming, I wish I could take that all back. How everything that we think is so important is insignificant in the end, how we just want the ones we love to know how much they are loved.

Hi. I just want to let you know that I am really glad you did post. I just haven't been well enough to respond until now. I am missing my sweetheart quite badly, and your post about Puffy touched me, because I can relate so well. Chloe was like a friend to me too, and I am very familiar of the loneliness of living in a toxic environment... I still do. She saw me through so many hard times in my life, including my self-injury, hospital stay, my grandma's passing, another cat's passing, and when my immediate family fell out with each other. It just feels so weird not having her here. It's all a void. But I just wanted to say I really do appreciate that post and I'm sorry if my delayed response left you feeling rejected.

My mom passed away a few hours ago.... it was so awful watching her struggle today, she struggled for the past few months.. but I felt so helpless watdhing her trying to breathe. I'm feeling horrible to think of how she may have been feeling, I so wish she could have died peacefully and easily. I don't think I will sleep for days, I feel almost traumatized watching what she went through. Makes you realiz4 that all the arguments, blaming, I wish I could take that all back. How everything that we think is so important is insignificant in the end, how we just want the ones we love to know how much they are loved.

Yesterday was a "feel good" kind of a day, which does not happen to me very often. Today, as I figured it would be, was more of a letdown. It wasn't as busy at work today and some people I encountered with seemed like downers.

There are times I think things over and realize that lately people irritate me. I wonder if it's just me; and that there's something wrong with me to make me feel that way? It didn't seem that way in the past.

Around 45 minutes ago (4:20am) the janitor was out, shoveling, right outside my windows. He's trying to scare me again. They have been trying as careful as they can to not trigger me in obvious ways that other people could hear. My pdoc said last year that they wouldn't kill me because it's too much trouble - well I think it wouldn't be much trouble at all. The janitor probably does you- know-what just thinking about it.

Hopefully I'll know soon which I should do first - the massive dental stuff, or my move. If there's a place that's really inexpensive to have awful dental work done in my target city, I could be ready to move this weekend.

you mean you are going to move in another place?