[Pressley]

Within all of us exists a story shaped by the events of our lives and people whose paths have crossed with our own. What is formed is the person that we are today and the person that we will become tomorrow. For me, a much larger story exists. The story of my life is one of an artist, a student, a friend, and a hopeless romantic, surprised and disillusioned in an often unsympathetic world. I often fell, just as I think everyone does, unsure of where the future will lead, and lost, searching for the right path to travel. This is my story ...

When I was a younger my father died, and he was a businessman. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give his children. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never hold my hand the way he did, or smile the way he did, and there would never again be presents wrapped in brown paper bags under the Christmas tree. He was part of me and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think, of how many smiles are missing from the world, and how many gifts left untouched by his hands. He was my biggest fan. I was bankrupted of a million fine actions the day he passed on. He died of a self inflicted head wound.

Looking back, I knew something was wrong in those weeks and months leading up to his death. I could feel it. For the next week, I slept on the floor next to my mother.

In the years after my father's death, I struggled at times. I went to college, then grad school, then medical school. It was a hard road for me, I have a learning disability and it was during my first couple years of med school that I started having problems. Academically, I was reaching to become a doctor. I think we all do in one way or another.

It all really started a couple years ago when I failed to pass my first licensing exam, after struggling thru my first two years of med school. Then I spent 3 months doing surgery only to fail that and have to repeat another 3 months, delaying my graduation by a year.

I was dissappointed, and after reaching out to my friends, I withdrew. I wanted to be okay on my own. It wasn't the right thing to do, but I survived only to fail surgery after the second time. I was allowed continue, since I had passed my exams, but the grade came from people voicing there concerns about me, and I was required to go to counseling. After that I took 5 months off to retake my boards, and I came back to finish my last year.

I was so angry, all the disappointments made me not want anything anymore, and I went thru the motions. Later that year, I met someone.

He was wonderful in a way that I cannot describe. He simply impressed me. He made me feel safe, and when I was with him everything drifted away, and when he hugged me he didn't let go right away, he would hold me for as long as I wanted. And we cooked together, and everytime he would see me he would smile and open his arms.

But the disappointment continued, and this last year has been nothing but the worst year of my life. Originally I did not get a job after graduation, and then I failed my second medical board. I got a job as a General Surgery Intern, and did my best to survive. I think I had something to prove, but it would have been better for me to take the boards and start a job this year.

So, last year I graduated from medical school, bought a condo, and started working 100 hours a week. And as the days and weeks moved on, I felt worse and worse everyday. My roommate tried to sue me, and my job wasn't going too well, and I started looking for another one. Then my mortgage double in the first 3 months, one of those loans you hear about on the news.

But I tried my best to survive, then one day I came to our surgical workroom only to find a note written on the board that read "LAZINESS IS NOT A LEARNING DISABILITY." I was heartbroken.

Then two weeks later, one of the other residents shot me in the face with a syringe. My boyfriend was with me that week, and did his best to help. But there was nothing he could do. Then one night, he asked me if I was even interested in anything about him, and I said no. I wasn't interested in anything anymore.

He broke up with me the next day. I can honestly say, for the year we were together, I was never really there for him, but he was always there for me. He had actually been going thru his own depression, and I couldn't even see it.

I started seeing a psychiatrists within a week, and it took me a couple months before I could accept how depressed I was. But I want to change, I've been going to counseling now every week since the beginning of March, and I started taking medication which has helped a lot. My job ended in June and I have been doing my best the last few weeks to study and get healthy again. I had lost over 25 lbs.

Some days are better than others, and I am doing everythign I can to get to a place where I can be there for myself and someone else. I have tried to reconcile with him, but am not having that much luck, he is still very hurt, and almost everytime we have talked or seen eachother in the last few months he has cried. I don't know why.

I feel like I lost my best friend, and it was effortless. He's the love of my life, but it's hard to stay hopeful when so much has happened. I wish I knew how to tell him.

In the end there is the realization that life is a pursuit of love as well as knowledge. It is a journey met with many obstacles that inevitably we must learn to overcome. Ultimately, we learn through experience the differences between what we have spent our whole lives looking for and the reality of it all. The reality of it all is that in the end we are more lost, confused and enlightened than we were when we started out. After all, "the course of true love never did run smooth" (Act I. Scene I. A Midsummer-Night Dream. Craig, W. J., ed. 1914. The Oxford Shakespeare).

[ddavisar]

First of all, welcome to the world of being able to post your true feelings. Your post was most interesting to read and I felt your pain as you described your trials. I wish I had some wisdom to give you concerning love, however I tend to have to agree with Shakespeare. As life goes on it doesn't get any easier, just different. Keep writing and talking it out. You have already proven that you don't give up easy and who knows what the future will bring. Wishing you the best in your career and your love life, D

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC. You have overcome so much in your life. I hope you can appreciate how impressive that is. I am sorry that you are now finding yourself having difficulties in your work and your personal relationhip. Depression can be so hard for both people in a relationship. You write beautifully would it help to give your boyfriend a copy of what you have written or write something for him? Maybe he is struggling to understand what you are going through and in turn became hurt by some of your words/actions.

I hope you find the words you are looking for. Please take care.

BB

.....a beautiful and moving post..........welcome

[Pressley]

I feel as though I've tried to talk to him, I haven't really been able to ask for another chance. However, when we have talked he's cried and says that he thinks about what it would be like if we were to get back together and doesn't think it would be any better.

I want things to be better. Most days I just want to be able to talk to him again and see him smile. I was so tired and angry all the time last year that I never really was able to tell him how much I loved him, and now I just wish I could tell him everyday.

I wish he could see how much I'm trying.

[seeker1950]

You wrote: "Ultimately, we learn through experience the differences between what we have spent our whole lives looking for and the reality of it all."
I agree with what you've written, and I too am impressed by your insights and how you are dealing with it all.
Let me first welcome you warmly to PC. I think you'll find many friends here, and much helpful advice. I surely did and am happy to continue to be a member of the PC family.
Sincerely,
Patty

[wickedwings]

(((((pressley))))) oh, gosh, pressley.... i know how it was like. i was diagnosed with depression when i was in college studying to be a scientist to study medical mysteries. i have medication-resistant chronic major depression, and i know how hard it is to do things in the normal sense. i can't imagine how hard it is to become a doctor when you have depression and a learning disability. i have been deaf since birth. i know there are stigmas to overcome, particularly when it comes to disabilities that people label "laziness." don't give up, and keep posting.... we're here for you.....

[Pressley]

It's hard to think back to a time where things felt normal ... maybe a year ago. I started my new job today, I think it will be good for me.

Here is a letter I wrote to him a couple months ago ...

"My Dearest Ryan,

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this night; it is difficult to put everything into words when it feels as though there is so much to say. There is an emptiness that fills me with each passing day. How terribly much I miss you. Sometimes, I wish we could go back to that first day, start over again, and then I could see your smile once more.

Ryan, never forget how much I love you.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. I know how much you wanted for things to work. How much I disappointed you. How I much I hurt you. How many times I pushed you away. How confusing I made things seem. How thoughtless I have oftentimes been.

Ryan, I am so sorry I was never there for you, and that may be the greatest regret of my life. And now, through all the uncertainty, the only thing that really scares me anymore is not having you in my life. Not knowing how your story will end. I have been trying to change. I know it is hard to see. I have made so many mistakes, but I have been seeing a Psychiatrist every week for the last three months. I am still working on things, that I may struggle with the rest of my life, but you make me want to be a better person.

You are the best man I have ever known. You are kind and inviting, and so smart. Know how proud I am of you. For who you are, and all the wonderful things you do. I was the lucky one. You gave me so many cherished memories and I feel most grateful to you for them. Know how hard it is for me to give them up. Know how much I wish you would give me another chance. How much I want to be prepared to put you and your needs foremost in my life, to support and love you as you support and strengthen me.

Maybe, someday, you will let me spend some time with you again. Maybe, someday, we can try again together.

My love always "


... he never replied, but cried when I asked him about it when we spoke not too long ago. We haven't talked too much since. I think he needs more time.