[MtnTime2896]

I'm pretty sure if someone had a gun to me right now, I'd plead with them, scream at them, to pull the trigger. Shoot me, so that I don't have to. I can't say I'd argue with a mercy killing, at this point. When a dog's sick, you put it down; especially when they're rabid. Well, I'm like a rabid dog, at this point. I'm volatile, sick and miserable. Why do we show more mercy on our pets than we do on our own? I'm in that way, again; where I almost want to push someone until they have no choice but to put me down. For good.

[Skeezyks]

}}} Só leigheas {{{

[Rohag]

I'm sorry you are in such turmoil. I've had similar thoughts.

[Misterpain]

I all ready have tickets on stand by to Europe for a euthanasia trip, never thought I would see the day when it would be legal here,in several states it is legal to put ones self down although it's very doubtful to find a doctor in the US to participate for a psychiatric patient, in Europe they allow psychiatric patients to participate ,i did not make these plans lightly but then again, never saw myself dying this young in such a horrible way, and it both gives peace of mind as well as steals some, it's double edged sword of a kind you don't want to wrestle with, also the script for the meds that are most commonly used have increased to astronomical amount of money thanks to big pharma deciding to cash in on us cashing out, have you thought about a Hospital stay to stabilize you out, trust me Bellevue is a little peace of hell that I used to transport patients to , but if I could go there to stay alive I would do it in a heartbeat .

Misterpain

[MtnTime2896]

I've considered going back to IP, but I always find a reason why I can't. Honestly, I think I'm just tired of waiting for nature to finish me. I'm still looking really good on the cancer spectrum and my kidneys are still looking strong. It's screwed up that this "good news" pisses me off so much. It's wrong to take opportunities like this for granted but my mind just won't heal. Everything else has and everything else isn't what's killing me. It's my own damn mind that I can't shut off. I'm tired and I'm angry. Honestly, I wasn't planning on using a doctor to put me down. I was going to use a cowboy with a gun and see what I can get out of that. Wouldn't be too hard where I live. Almost did it when I passed by an opportunity this evening. I don't know what stopped me.

[PumpkinPieHead]

You are so strong, So Leighas. So strong to have come this far and still be here. We don't wanna lose ya

[Misterpain]

"Suicide by cowboy" is making a new victim ,once they pull the trigger they will never get you out of there head, it may seem like the end of your suffering as we know it, simply because the dead don't come and tell us what's next ? how horrible is the cowboy gonna be living with there pain plus all of yours when they find out about why it went that way , no I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you , that's not my intention ,I just know you are stronger and smarter than this , talk it out ,work it out , just get it out , you are worth more than the cost of all the bullets in the 300 million guns out there ,don't sell yourself so short or more correctly let deppression cloud your mind to the point of believing it, when it says "go give up" . I am the worst motivational speaker ever ,but I am a good listener if you need to vent or dump some emotional garbage cans out ,PM me if you need to talk I'll listen .

Misterpain

[Marla500]

Please stay So Leigheas

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm pretty sure if someone had a gun to me right now, I'd plead with them, scream at them, to pull the trigger. Shoot me, so that I don't have to. I can't say I'd argue with a mercy killing, at this point. When a dog's sick, you put it down; especially when they're rabid. Well, I'm like a rabid dog, at this point. I'm volatile, sick and miserable. Why do we show more mercy on our pets than we do on our own? I'm in that way, again; where I almost want to push someone until they have no choice but to put me down. For good.

soleigheas-------------you may be at a turning point now...you sound really miserable....what have you done that is so bad...is there something there...

[MickeyCheeky]

Remember that we love you.

[Fuzzybear]

I've had very similar thoughts

We love you (remember that)

[LifeInProgress]

I have lived through this. I can't judge your situation. Things just changed in my life to make me glad I'm still here.

[guiltier65]

I wish I had the perfect words, but I don't. All I can say is that you are loved!

[Yours_Truly]

Life's really hard living when you go to bed every night begging & pleading to die in your sleep, only to wake again the next morning thinking, ***** Not again." Sorry, that's not very encouraging, but I do understand.

[*Laurie*]

You gave me a rope to hang onto a few days ago, when I was terribly depressed and frightened.

I will thank you for that forever.

You are a very important person. The world needs you. Seriously.

I hope and pray you will feel better.

((((((( )))))))

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by little turtle

soleigheas-------------you may be at a turning point now...you sound really miserable....what have you done that is so bad...is there something there...

I was a sin, from the moment I was born. I've screwed up a lot and I've hurt people. Honestly, just my existence hurts people. I just need the pain to stop, all of it. The memories, the nightmares, this pain in my chest that's unrelenting; all of it needs to stop. I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way and bringing the people I love down around me. I had a therapy meeting today. It's looking more and more like I'm going to IP, soon. I don't want that. I really don't.

[*Laurie*]

IP might allow you to relax. It can be a huge relief to just be alive without meeting any of the daily expectations and responsibilities life in the world requires. Also, I don't know if you're on meds, but while IP they usually evaluate your medication and adjust them if need be. Have you been IP before?

[BrownHat22]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I was a sin, from the moment I was born. I've screwed up a lot and I've hurt people. Honestly, just my existence hurts people. I just need the pain to stop, all of it. The memories, the nightmares, this pain in my chest that's unrelenting; all of it needs to stop. I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way and bringing the people I love down around me. I had a therapy meeting today. It's looking more and more like I'm going to IP, soon. I don't want that. I really don't.

You mentioned that your existence brings harm to those around you, have you tried to talk to the people in your social circle to confirm this? Even though I feel like a burden to those around me, I can tell by their actions that they do not think of me like I think of me. While you may get a lot of positive feedback and reassurance from us on the internet, it can seem very superfluous and artificial at times. Perhaps you should speak with a family member (or close friend) about these concerns, so you can get a different perspective on your self-worth.

I'll be praying for you

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

IP might allow you to relax. It can be a huge relief to just be alive without meeting any of the daily expectations and responsibilities life in the world requires. Also, I don't know if you're on meds, but while IP they usually evaluate your medication and adjust them if need be. Have you been IP before?

Yeah, I know the process and I know what to expect. I'm suppose to be on medication and right now I'm not. My therapist talked about going to IP just to keep me safe while we start the process with meds.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by BrownHat22

You mentioned that your existence brings harm to those around you, have you tried to talk to the people in your social circle to confirm this?

I've pulled away from almost all of them. The only person I really talk to about any of this outside of PC and my therapist, is my fiance. Like today, we were suppose to go out but I voted not to. My fiance wasn't feeling so hot, anyway, so I didn't want to bug him.

[BrownHat22]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

The only person I really talk to about any of this outside of PC and my therapist, is my fiance.

William James is often credited for saying: "Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."

Ask your fiancé what they truly think of you, and compare that image to the way in which you see yourself. I can almost guarantee you that the way in which you see yourself is not representative of how you actually are. You say that your very existence causes harm to those around you, I would beg to differ. Not even considering the lives you influence on this site, just take a moment and consider the fact that you have a fiancé. Someone who loves you despite what you perceive about yourself. Someone who understands and is accepting of you to the point where you can feel comfortable opening up to this person. While I have never met you or your fiancé, I can tell you that they do not see you as vile or detestable, because if they did they would not be with you now, or at the very least, they would not want to speak of your issues, and as a result you would not feel comfortable opening up to them either. But that is not the case . You have someone in your life that loves you, someone that sees past whatever sins or mistakes you have committed, and chooses to not let those mistakes define how they see you.

Yes, it may be painful to wake up, painful to live even, but there is another side to this mountain before you. There will come a day when you are past this depression, past this pain. Please do not give up now.

[Misterpain]

We just talked about this last night ,today's Medscape bulletin had an article on physician assisted suicide and the need for it in America.

You are letting that "stinking thinking" win deppression will make you "believe" you are something wrong , or that your life is worthless, it is lying to you .

If you yourself falls for this, why do you think anyone could love you, easy it's not true
I am not going religious on anybody , I love music and a great song if you listen to the lyrics is Creeds " my own prison " the highest walls, the worst conditions ,the harshest treatment and judgement you will ever face is the one in your head , I don't see them as Christian metal , I see them as artists with a point of view, listen to it until it sinks in and resonates within you , and to show you I was raised Catholic, my late wife was a Jew, my best friend is a Wiccan high priestess , the belt sermon I ever heard was in a Temple in Philadelphia, alot of my beliefs are Native American in origin and when I do worship it is at a Benedictine Monastrry get the song and please listen , it I'd worth it.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

We just talked about this last night ,today's Medscape bulletin had an article on physician assisted suicide and the need for it in America.

You are letting that "stinking thinking" win deppression will make you "believe" you are something wrong , or that your life is worthless, it is lying to you .

If you yourself falls for this, why do you think anyone could love you, easy it's not true
I am not going religious on anybody , I love music and a great song if you listen to the lyrics is Creeds " my own prison " the highest walls, the worst conditions ,the harshest treatment and judgement you will ever face is the one in your head , I don't see them as Christian metal , I see them as artists with a point of view, listen to it until it sinks in and resonates within you , and to show you I was raised Catholic, my late wife was a Jew, my best friend is a Wiccan high priestess , the belt sermon I ever heard was in a Temple in Philadelphia, alot of my beliefs are Native American in origin and when I do worship it is at a Benedictine Monastrry get the song and please listen , it I'd worth it.

Would it surprise you that that's my favorite song by Creed? I used to listen to them constantly. That song has resonated with me for a long time, way before bipolar was a thing in my life. I've always dealt with depression and that song seemed to mirror how I felt. I don't know, when you put a gold fish in a bowl, all it knows and remembers is inside the bowl. Where they came from, whatever free open space they had in the tank before, they don't recall it. I know this is what depression does and I know this could be my depression talking, but I've truly always felt this way. How can it be entirely a lie created by my mind if I felt like this before I was even double digits?

[Misterpain]

Well it's safer that way !! You can stop and start on your own time and also retreat and play turtle when you need to, makes perfect sense to me!

[Misterpain]

Okay quotable quotes for 1000 Alex : Julius Caesar said : I can find 300 men to die easily but have difficulty finding any quantity of men to deal with pain with patience.

Be patient with yourself neither emotional nor physical pain suffering can be compared apples to apples, I happen to be good at both kind with a little help from Fentanyl and Oxcycodone and music.

Misterpain