Left alone with severe depression...

"surf the ideation" ???
But that seems terrible. I guess by that you mean manage it.
Thanks for sharing.
But it seems terrible. I cannot live like this. I have to find a way to resolve this.
I do not think doctors should treat ideation this way.

(This is my first day using this forum, so I'm trying out different ways of posting, so forgive me it this doesn't show up correctly.) I agree that the mental health care in this country needs a huge overhaul.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low and I wish I could be there in person to give you a hug, listen to you talk, and help you feel better. I know what it is to struggle with the feelings of loneliness and despair and to cover it up with cheerfulness in front of others. I'm not very good at that, though, as I have a tendency to cry if anyone shows me the slightest bit of sympathy.

Maybe next time you should just tell her that a 20-minute checkup call isn't cutting it for you when the rest of the week you are feeling so low that life doesn't feel worth living and see what her response is to that?

I think it is a good sign that you are reaching out to this forum and letting people know how you are feeling.

I myself am looking for a way to manage this better. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I get it...I've had enough of living like this too. I'm doing everything right and it remains. Good luck and best wishes.

I am really sorry to hear this. In the meantime I call up crisis hotlines to get tips on coping. It seems like this is the best method. To keep adding more and more coping skillls.

I think Psychiatry is full of gaps because we don't know how the brain works, we don't understand how behavior is produced exactly, and all the links between Physics, Biology, and Psychology. So, they fill the gaps with theory. Particularly, there are a lot of unsolved issues regarding medication. I think it is a particular impaired branch of Medicine. So we, Psychiatry users, are suffering the consequences of the lack of development of Psychiatry. Beyond that, the majority of us do not want to see the social causes of psychiatric disabilities. I think this is because many of us have been raised within cultures that highlight individuals above society. Also we don't want to question the status quo not to get more isolated, not to be estigmatized even more. But the thruth is that society and its ridiculous rules and expectations sometimes do more harm than good. Anyway, I am just saying. Sending you q big hug

This is well said. Very well said. What I have been feeling is that yes, all the responsibility for healing is being put on me. If they say I am doing well but I don't feel like I am doing well...I am at fault. I refuse to take psychiatric drugs because I feel for me this would not be the right treatment. So I am at fault because I am not accepting standard treatment.

What you wrote here is so true and it was something I was thinking about recently. That nothing is working. And that I need to come up with something "radical" and outside the box. Because I basically am physically healthy but feeling like psychologically I am getting worse.

To tell someone who is severely depressed to practice mindfulness is ridiculous. I happen to practice mindfulness. I also sleep well, take vitamins etc. etc. etc.

But I am collapsing. Right before my very own eyes. I need to save myself.

You are a brilliant contributor to this forum. Thank you.

I can relate very much to the suicidal ideation and the professionals saying I'm "doing well"

I agree - Clara is a brilliant contributor here.

I have to come up with my own solutions. I have received a lot of responses today and I have posted a lot. But not one person said that their therapist was a great help, or even that any mental health help has drastically improved their situation. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to go to the drawing board and fill in all the missing pieces. I cannot continue to live like this. I guess I have to invent my own treatment plan. Hugs, fuzzywuzzy.

Yes I text the crisis lines so often I feel that they know everything about me. They do have useful coping skills and I use them.

You really gave me food for thought. I think my psychiatrist is great and has kept me alive for many years yet here I sit. He spends 45 minutes with me each session and goes over not just my medication but other things that might help. My therapist is also great and helps me deal with past trauma and current issues yet here I sit about to text the crisis line. I need to think about that and where to go from here. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. It has made me determined to chart my own course and to fight that much harder.

Well, if something works no need to get rid of it. Maybe you need to add to it. I called crisis lines a lot in December and January. It was actually the first time ever. Last night I contacted one and realized it was the first time since January that I called. So it gave me heads up about recent stresses in my life. I know that for myself I have just reached a sort of breaking point where I can no longer just be in this half-living state of existence. I don't know what my own treatment plan will look like but I think it has to be extremely individual and unique and also something I control from the inside. So far that's all I've got. But if you have professionals who help and you can afford that kind of support then maybe you just need to add more. Best wishes.

Thank you. Best wishes to you as well. I do plan on keeping them and building on. You've given me determination and I appreciate it. Good luck.

Mental health help has drastically improved my situation. My depression is in complete remission. (It was previously severe enough for suicidal ideation.) Treatment for ADHD has left a lot to be desired, but even that is a huge improvement over no treatment.

I know I've been fairly lucky. I agree with everyone who says psychiatry is currently a pile of stupid. But if I didn't accept treatment, then I'd be in a worse situation.

Well, yeah.

Psychiatry is branch of medicine. They can offer you medical treatment. If you don't want medical treatment, what do you want them to do? In extreme circumstances, they can give you involuntary treatment, but that's pretty much the same as the standard treatment, just involuntary.

I can understand wanting something better than the current standard treatment. However, if they could invent something better, they already would have, and they'd be making it available to everybody and it would become the standard treatment.

If you're unable to disclose your symptoms (e.g. due to some kind of social anxiety or something), I can sympathize with that. But how are they supposed to know you're lying? Major depressive disorder is often episodic, so if you pretend you're in remission, they have no reason not to believe you. And even if they do realize or suspect you're faking recovery, are they supposed to just accuse you of lying?

Is it easier to describe your symptoms in writing? Maybe if you ever decide you want treatment, you can type your symptoms up and email it or hand them the paper. (You will probably have to answer some questions verbally though.)

I will admit when you pull apart what I wrote like this I sound pretty confused. So I am feeling a bit better now and want to clarify some things.

Psychiatric medication has a poor history of efficacy. Less than 30 per cent are helped. That leaves 70 per cent who try psychiatric medications without any relief, or bad side effects. Read the accounts of those on this forum. It would not make anyone think these drugs are the "go to" cure. And how about when you come off them? Brain zaps? No thanks. You should also be aware that many people do not believe anxiety and depression are biomedical diseases. I am one of them.

My counselor is goal oriented. It is obvious she wants to see improvement in a short period of time. We are using CBT. If I do well she is pleased. If I am having a bad week she is very displeased. I don't have social anxiety and do not have trouble telling her how I feel. I just wanted to see how she would react if I suddenly improved. Remission? I am not bipolar. I don't think severe anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation are going to suddenly disappear in one week. That's...crazy. The counselor did not suspect I was lying. And if she did I would expect her to challenge me. This counselor certainly would.

I sent her several emails saying I was unhappy with how treatment was progressing. Her response was that she would help me find support out in the community. This is BS. We have been this route before. This is because the mental health care the insurance company is offering (who employs this counselor) is subpar. The failure is their failure and should not be put on people wanting decent care. I should not have to be directed to spend my money out in the community because my insurance company does not offer adequate mental health care. The phone chats are free but as I have said they are quite superficial. I might as well be doing CBT on my own.

I don't have the time or money to waste on therapy that doesn't work, and on medications that don't work.

I don't have the time or money to waste on half-measures, and "ain't that too bad this is all we can offer" mental health care treatments. It is a travesty.

I am at the point where I feel I want to commit to just getting better on my own as I can do all the Mickey Mouse modalities suggested such as mindfulness , exercise, good diet, vitamins, good sleep hygiene, CBT, DBT, herbs, herbal tea, spiritual practice, hobbies, etc. etc. etc. etc.

I don't need poisonous psych medications messing up my system. I am not saying the medications are not needed for other conditions. I am saying that they are not needed for anxiety and depression. The highly addictive nature of benzodiazepines suggests they should be taken off the market...as they and ADs are causing people to become lifelong prescription drug addicts.

I am happy to hear you got rid of your depression and suicidal ideation. That is beautiful and I am very happy for you. That is what I wish for and I won't stop until I find my cure. It maybe outside of the medical establishment. As well as out of the reach of greedy Big Pharma making millions of dollars with ineffective drugs with their hit-or-miss efficacy.

Not all branches of Medicine are the same. Some of them are well undeveloped. And Medicine has evolved a lot lastly. Look at the evolution of the concept of health and well-being at WHO website. The problem is that some practitioners have not evolved much and keep themselves attached to old paradigms. We must have a critical outlook on Medicine because it is our body, our lives that are at stake.it is our right to enjoy the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health

When I first started to have depression two different individuals told me I needed to go on medication for the depression. I tried it and had a severe reaction. Severe. I could not believe I was being given such a drug and I immediately went off it.

Later on both individuals who told me I needed to go on medication admitted that their medications no longer worked. The only reason they stayed on them is they could not get off them without severe side effects. They had become prescription drug addicts. They were tied to drugs that did not work.

So if this was their truth...why did they advise me to go on medication??? This puzzles me. It seems...not simply uniformed...but ignorant.

I love your comments, Clara. I am going to continue to document my journey and it may be necessary for me to go completely off grid to find my cure.

The WHO warns we are entering an era where depression will become epidemic. We must examine all factors...social...community...medicine...therapy...food...environment.

The issue of "sub par treatment" is saddening..

That's true, Fuzzy

DechanDawa, I am sorry you are struggling so much. Try not to be to so hard on yourself (I know that is easier said then done). This thread shows, as usual, how complex depression is. Your financial struggles sound very stressful also. When we do not have enough income to take care of basic necessities that is so hard. Though I am grateful I have food and shelter--I have learned the hard way not to worry about not saving for my "old age". I try to do what I can in the present and not worry about the future as much. Sometimes I can only maintain this POV through prayer. We are all different and come from different circumstances so I do not think how I am managing my MI works for all. I do hope you figure it out but it seems like you are doing the best that you can. It is not your fault--life gives us all different challenges. I don't know why......

Thank you. I don't know what to say. Everything you wrote is true. Although some of us do have to worry. I am sure the stress of my financial situation will kill me before I reach whatever is considered old age. I do have spiritual practices but feel it is not appropriate to talk about them on most forums. But thank you for your thoughts.

When I was younger I had a few bad depressions. Medication has never helped, and usually therapy is, for various reasons, short-lived. My one way to cope was to grit my teeth and wait it out. I don't know why...but for some reason I always had faith that the depression would eventually lift, and it did.

This is the most severe I have ever been. When I was young I never had suicidal ideation, so this is a new thing to cope with.

I have been trying everything...but once again, I feel that maybe if I just grit my teeth and wait it out that things will improve.

That's why I say I have been left alone with severe depression.

All the posters on this thread have very generously shared their experiences. I see a lot of courage. Because although many are doing everything possible they are still suffering alone.

Consider the poster who has doctors and still regularly calls crisis hotlines.

Or others who are not even getting a basic level of care...and having to wait for long periods of time for appointments.

In a way, we are all suffering, alone. (((Hugs to all)))

This seems more hopeless than funny. (when applied to MI)...

I am not entirely without hope. That is, I am not without hope that I have the capacity to heal. But I do feel hopeless about the mental health care system and feel I have wasted 2.5 years trying to get help through this system.

Now I am going to go it alone and devise my own system for healing. I have done it in the past. This is the most severe depression I have encountered...but if I apply the same strategies I did in the past perhaps they will again work.

Perhaps dependency on the mental health care system creates more dependency, and prolongs a depression.

I am sorry to be calling to task the doctors who did not help me, the psychiatrist who did not help me, and the psychologist who did not help me. It is not a matter of finding the "right" mental health care professional, or the "right" medication. The system is broken. The drugs have a poor track record. Too many counselors and therapists do not do a good job. I have no idea why they are getting paid to do next to nothing. It is a joke.

It is about finding the right path...and mine seems to be leading away from those very professionals who promise relief but who do not deliver, and leave me suffering week after week, month after month, and year after year. They are not doing a good job. Throwing antidepressants at someone like they are candy is irresponsible. Offering mere minutes of "talk therapy" is absurd.

If these people were healers there would be a lot more healed people. Instead we see thousands upon thousands of people visiting PC. So many people are suffering.

Life should not be one dreaded day after another.

I hope everyone continues a fierce search for their own cure. We deserve to happily live out our days here on earth. We were not made to suffer through this life.

((Hugs)) to all.

It is tough, and I have no words of wisdom for you. I am in much the same place. The only thing I can suggest is in your post you said you will not self disclose to the counselor about your depression. I mean that is what she is there for is she not? If people don't know the pain we are in...they can not help.