Me, too :(

I agree with you completely on that.

No need to apologize .. Sometimes it is constructive just in the fact it sets your emotions free (therapeutic as you said) enough to allow you to think freely.

That was why I asked if it was even possible for more education - there are many differing reasons it just sometimes is not possible. I wish that were not the case for you. ❤

Let me ask you this - what is it that DOES make you happy at this moment in life?

Well just know you're not alone because am just in the same shoe as you

It's really hard to think of something that doesn't also carry with it anxiety or sadness. One thing that comes to mind is singing along with my favorite songs - if that's not happy, at least it's relaxing and liberating. Although for some reason I've been doing less of that recently, and feeling little urge to.

I also really enjoy it when my cat cuddles up to me in the morning. But most of the time she's an indeciferable whiny *****, excuse my French.

Also I don't know if it fits "happy" but I always look forward to stretching while watching Netflix before bed. Although I'm trying to move this to after I wake up because I feel that it's not doing my sleep much good and I want more to look forward to getting up.

I don't know, it's all kind of unconvincing. (Not to mention, not job material.) Anything productive comes with anxiety, feeling inadequate, sadness or even anger. And I'm not even sure if there's a grain of happiness there at all, or it's just obsessiveness and hopeless, fading ambition.

Music is a great "release valve". Whether you are singing to it, listening to it, or playing it - it has a calming effect on a person. I love playing violin but I got out of it for many years due to one of my abuse situations and now that I want to get back into it, I am having a bit of a time breaking my old habits to reincorporate it - but I still love it. If you love singing to songs (even if you have lost most of the urge to actually sing currently), play music on the radio or in the background on the internet while you are online. It may help your spirits a bit.

What kind of music do you enjoy?

I have 3 dogs .. they are like my babies. One is an Australian Shepherd and the other two are Chihuahuas. What kind of cats do you have? I have had many cats over the years too ... one actually let me rest my head on its belly n would purr when I did - it was like a lullabye.

Question: why are you hard on yourself? I only asked what makes you happy at this moment in life - you told me that - but then said it was not productive ... Being happy allows a person to become productive, and I don't think relaxation is inherently "bad" - is it?

I don't know. I feel like an aberration. I mean, I don't have it so bad. I've got a job, a home, I've never been abused, but for some reason I feel bad. I guess it's a matter of shame. I mean, some people don't get to stretch before bed - they come home completely exhausted and are out before they hit the bed.

And also when I say "productive" - I think you only become productive in connection with other people. I mean, even if you write and enjoy it, until you share your writing with other people it's not... you aren't achieving much, because you can't judge your own creation. Your perspective is distorted. Not to mention that you creation doesn't live.

So relaxation is good, but it's static. And I can't connect to people, except here, because it stresses me out too much. And the Internet is a weird, kind of antisocial place.

...Well, anyway, I guess I'm kind of into '80s rock - not necessarily produced in the '80s, but that style. At least I associate those kinds of beats and instruments with that.

My cat's a cat. She doesn't even have a name. I think it's part of the conflict that I have about the relationship of people with nature. And also I've never seen a cat care about its name. Although it constantly produces awkwardness at the vet.

I know it's getting repetitive, but I'm going to apologize again, for double-posting and just suddenly deciding to talk about this topic, because it feels weird.

Violin is tough, although I've never studied it. I'm going off my experience playing guitar. I quit it about 2 years ago. That is, I quit practicing it regularly, and I recently started getting back into it with a more fresh perspective. So it's part of its... "charm" but it's too hard. Guitar is too hard, and I guess violin is another level. There's a zealous, fanatical component to the community, and there's essentially a hand fitness regimen you have to keep up, which is not natural, by the way (the things your hands have to do). Then there's the upkeep and cost of the instrument. Also it's not made to be able to look at the fretboard.

What I'm saying is that I wish I had an easier instrument. Guitar really seems to make sense, as an instrument, only if you want to become a professional player. If you're doing it just casually, there's easier things you could be doing for as much impact, with less anxiety.

Do you feel like that at all about violin?

I played violin as far back as 4th grade up until 10th grade, so even tho it's been many, many years since I have played it (I am 42 now), it doesn't feel as unnatural to me as I thought it would. Holding the bow is the hardest part - but it always was I was smart though and bought a beginner's book that came with a cd so I can hear how it's supposed to sound while I play - because my musical ear isn't what it once was. I do watch my finger placement though because I still know approximately where they are supposed to be.

Easier instruments would include drum, tambourine, xylophone, and bells. Each has it's own difficulty though if you want to play it well. For instance - bells. They aren't just one bell, but a series of bells for differing notes, and you must learn how and when to stop the reverberation of the ringing of each note in the song. The drum sounds different depending upon where you tap the drim with the drum sticks. But all instruments allow you a release and tend to relax you as music engages your entire brain, not just one side or the other.

Ok - so, why not find an instrument you enjoy or songs you enjoy - 80s rock style... practice playing or singing them til you have it really well. Then go and do a little karaoke at a bar or play for tips somewhere? It's productive and fun at the same time...not to mention allows your mind to unwind, after you get past the stage fright (I been through that many times but it leaves you quickly). Anyway, just an idea - you can do it on your time off and that might let you feel less of that "shame".

I really don't know what to make of these suggestions. I'm not exactly in a state to handle such interactions. Just today I freaked out because of an interaction with a completely friendly and helpful shop assistant.

I'm more at home with composing music. But it seems to be an industry exclusively for well-off people - at least what software I've been able to find is completely beyond my means. Software that is to say a program for notation and synthesizing mp3 files... Although I guess I'm thinking in a direction away from interaction with people. I think that's a force of habit of being a solitary person.

I wish I knew of a place for making things together where you don't have to be either wealthy or a certified professional. And where nobody expects you to be social. Maybe that's an oxymoron.

The funny thing is, I've essentially stopped believing in a solitary creator - "auteur" might be the term. I believe that even in writing in the majority of cases a collaboration should be expected (I know that's a controversial opinion). Yet I don't know how to do collaboration myself.

Sorry, I wish I could be more positive, but I think it's more important to be truthful here.

Actually - you have hit upon an idea. Music composition.

You don't need to be wealthy to do such things, nor have other people help you. There are software programs that will allow you to design full music compositions. I once knew someone who did that and he publicized his creations online to gain a following of fans. I don't remember the name of the software he used but I can asure you he was not wealthy at all.

Seems like maybe you have a solution to your problem - just need to do some research ❤

See! You're already being productive!

I'll try it. I need to confess, though that it feels a little futile. It's probably stupid, but I don't want fans, I want people whose opinions I can learn and understand (essentially, friends, I guess), and I don't see how fans translate into the kind of people I want. Plus I have a long history of not being popular, so I'm very doubtful of being able to attract any people at all, even completely random and distant.

But it definitely sounds better now that at least one person, you, doesn't find the idea completely ridiculous.

At the same time, I've invested so much time and energy into these other activities, like game design, that I just can't stand the thought of devoting all my free time to music. I've never been able to. It feels like betrayal and losing a part of myself. And I don't know if it's enough to be only half-devoted to music... But at the same time, game design doesn't really bring me any joy... I blame my OCD streak for this conundrum, if that makes sense. One could argue that I should take control of this problem, but at the same time as it hurts me I feel that it gives my life meaning...

Anyway, thanks, that was motivational!

You're welcome
I would be interested to see what you create if you decide to follow through on this.

It's all up to you what you want to do - continue giving all your energy to game programming til its done? Give that up completely and go totally with music composition on your time off? Divide your time off half n half between the two til the game is complete? Divide your time between the two, giving the game higher prioirity til it is complete? Divide your time between the two giving the music composition greater priority til the game is complete? Alternate between the choices til the game is complete? Whatever you do ... make sure you find that happiness and joy again
❤

So this is getting off-topic, but as I've said many many times, I don't have anywhere else to talk about it.

I've been looking at two online music apps. Noteflight is where I originally started that song, it's got regular notation, but you need a subscription to record instruments directly. Although the other app also needs a subscription for good functionality. It's Soundtrap, and it's got a different idea. They say it's loop-based, but you can enter notes, too, except it's not shown as classical notation. Anyway, I'm way more used to classical notation, but I keep thinking that... maybe I'm wrong. Although what does it even mean?

Also, it's more affordable than some things, but it's kind of limited and somewhat clumsy... Whatever. It's the best thing I can figure out with my googling abilities.

So that song (without words), I'm kind of stuck. I based it on a TV-show I watched, but now for some reason I can't feel the emotions it evoked in me. I got through several "verses" (so to say), and can't figure out where to go. I thought I'd work on something else but it's kind of stuck in my head. Anyway, here's a link for reference: song I have to subscribe to make the instruments sound good, but the gist should be clear.

The repetition and layering feels good, but I thought I had to change it up. Though the mood of the show is melancholy and the ending is bitter-sweet. But towards the end I start leaning towards triumphant and from there I can't go back to melancholy. And I can't decide if the abrupt change is good and where I go from there. At the same time I can't end with just repeating the intro theme several times.

I'm trying not to feel unproductive about just staring at it and procrastinating. I guess if nothing else I could rewatch the show (it's just 1 season).

Again, speaking of collaboration. I think music composition is generally perceived as a solitary pursuit, but... even there I feel a need at least to bounce ideas.

So I'm not completely sure, but I think my mom has just lost her job. I mean, her job burned down, together with the stocks, and her job is kind of based on the supply... Not like mine, where at least in theory if my computer broke down I could replace it (although not at this point), and there's still stuff floating in the cloud and on servers.

Not sure what this means yet. I'm looking at cheaper food options. But also I can't have another month like that. I have to feel productive and connected, if only to be productive at my job.

Downloading your song now. I slept in late and just got online a few minutes ago. I will let you know what I think/any suggestions I may have (if you want my suggestions) after I listen - but my phone is slow to download at times.

Sorry to hear of your Mom's business. Did she have insurance on it? Will she be able to restore it?

Do you live with your Mom? Will this affect you financially - as in your day to day needs and etc? If you need to food wise - there is the food stamp option, food pantries, and soup kitchens. I have done all 3 at different stages in my life. Sometimes had to do all 3 at once.

There is always a way - I promise. Sometimes you just gotta look harder than others.

❤

Your song reminds me of some of the composition types I would play when I was heavy into violin. You seem to have the Prelude completed - and well composed.

I think the reason you are having difficulty at the moment is because the music is taking a more jovial tune and you are not feeling jovial inside yourself. It is easier to express what we feel. Try to recall a moment in your life when you were super excited or happy (doesn't matter what the end result of the event was - just think of the moment you felt that excitement or happiness), let that feeling touch you just enough to be able to express or describe it (as you would be able to describe what was happening at the time a picture was taken when you look at the photograph) then express that feeling in your composition. You are telling a story through music. That's what compositions are about. So when you get stuck on an emotion, just recall a time and place in your life you felt that emotion.

I hope that helped.

❤

I'm sure some of those options exist here, but I'm in Russia, and it's on me that it would be harder for people on an American site to approach my problems, but at the same time I don't feel quite at home in my own country... Anyway, it's not my mom's business, she's (was) just a salesperson, but based on her descriptions it was in a long process of sinking, and I don't expect a recovery.

Foodwise, I don't think we're going to have that much trouble if we're careful (my mom still has social security, so we're not on just my modest salary), although my mom has been in the process of dealing with dental problems and dentists, and I don't know how that's going to go.

I do live with my mom, and I used to feel extremely ashamed, and at the same time I think it might traditionally be more common in Russia, however there's no denying that I'm just helpless, besides having little money... What am I talking about? At this stage it would be monstrous to move out, even if I could.

Thanks for the song advice. Yeah, my prevailing emotion right now is anxiety which is really at odds with the mood of the song. Quite honestly, I'm looking around searching for a place where I could connect with like-minded people, and not finding one (aside from this thread), and I'm afraid of going back to the place of hopelessness and loneliness. And I don't mean that people wouldn't want to connect, it's me who doesn't know how to.

Never been to Russia. Seen nice pictures of it though.

Glad to hear you should be ok food wise. I am on Social Security Disability myself so I understand about the "modest income". Do you guys have any kinds of financial programs that can help her with her dental needs?

I also understand about anxiety - that's what brought me back to PC after many months off. That and depression, but had an anxiety attack a few days ago. If you want to talk about it I am here.

*hugs*

(and I enjoy music so I enjoyed giving the suggestion)

Well, we theoretically have free healthcare, but for dental you still end up paying, maybe a little bit less than in a non-government clinic, but you're also likely to take a hit to quality.

Thanks for being here. I hope this is not putting too much pressure on you, but I think it's just you and me in this thread. It's kind of too long now for anyone else to join in.

I really don't know where to find a community of musicians, but I'm registered on a videogame design forum... I've long hoped that videogames would allow me to combine many of my different interests, including music. So I've been writing a message looking for like-minded people, so to say. But I feel I need to have disclaimers regarding my mental state, because the primary driving force there seems to be earning money, and I'm not looking for that at this stage. My message ends up seeming half-bitter, half-apologetic, and I don't know if I'm going to get anything but abuse if I post it... Don't know if it's a good idea. Do you want to look at what I've written? I mean it has a bit of sort of professional jargon, so you absolutely don't have to. Message. I just don't know, music - it's for the long run. Even if I complete the song tonight, there's no telling when or if I get any connections (even if they're random comments), and I have to work tomorrow and maintain a healthy attitude. Do you think this is reasonable?

The message sounds good, though you may want to project a little more idea of a successful project if given the right direction and cooperation, etc. What you are wanting reminded me of a pc game I used to play. It was one if my favorite games to play. It wasn't medieval though - it had to do with possible hauntings and/or possible psychiatric problems. It was basically your job to figure out what had happened and everytime you got closer - a different song played and a "memory" played with it. It was a rpg though, not hidden object. But it was a different type of rpg - you didn't kill monsters. You investigated the differing places you found and tried to decipher exactly what the people were asking of you when you would get a new quest. I wish I could remember the name. The music was beautiful.

That definitely sounds very interesting, unfortunately I don't think I've ever seen this game.

Anyway, I've slept on the idea of a successful project, and I just can't see it. When I try to visualize it, I see a multitude of people who are expectant or annoyed and I don't have a clue what to do next. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I should finish the song first to get more confidence... Anyway, it's the start of the workweek here, and let's try to get through another one of these.

From what I noticed on the credits of other games ... Each person in the team focuses on one or two parts of the makeup of the game so when it comes together - it wasn't the responsibility of just one person, which makes it easier.

I hope you have a good work week.

This is kind of more of a blog, but I feel like I should make an update.

I earned about $1 today (converting from rubles). I'm not sure how it sounds to an American. I recently counted that eating economically (but healthily) I need $6-10 a day, maybe that makes sense...

Interestingly, my manager could easily completely sabotage me by giving me the sort of work I got today, so I'd basically earn nothing while putting in normal hours. They haven't so far (I also asked for work I could complete until tomorrow when I have to send in the monthly report... but it could have been $10-15).

On the slightly more positive side I'm working on completely rearranging the song. I suspect that I've become simply too used to the old arrangement so it doesn't excite me, but it also has to do with how limited the instruments are in the free Noteflight version. But I don't want to subscribe right now because my card expires and getting reissued in just a couple days. Until then I have to be optimistic and hope that the paid instruments sound amazing.

Anyway, I hope it's going better with you. I kind of feel more and more fortunate, because on many days I don't even have to go outside so I don't have to face any upsetting interactions, and I can come here to manage loneliness. I mean, not everyone has that... Maybe I could at least go to the General Social Chat section, because I'm feeling more and more out of place here. Do you ever post there?