Me, too :(

This is kind of more of a blog, but I feel like I should make an update.

I earned about $1 today (converting from rubles). I'm not sure how it sounds to an American. I recently counted that eating economically (but healthily) I need $6-10 a day, maybe that makes sense...

Interestingly, my manager could easily completely sabotage me by giving me the sort of work I got today, so I'd basically earn nothing while putting in normal hours. They haven't so far (I also asked for work I could complete until tomorrow when I have to send in the monthly report... but it could have been $10-15).

On the slightly more positive side I'm working on completely rearranging the song. I suspect that I've become simply too used to the old arrangement so it doesn't excite me, but it also has to do with how limited the instruments are in the free Noteflight version. But I don't want to subscribe right now because my card expires and getting reissued in just a couple days. Until then I have to be optimistic and hope that the paid instruments sound amazing.

Anyway, I hope it's going better with you. I kind of feel more and more fortunate, because on many days I don't even have to go outside so I don't have to face any upsetting interactions, and I can come here to manage loneliness. I mean, not everyone has that... Maybe I could at least go to the General Social Chat section, because I'm feeling more and more out of place here. Do you ever post there?

Sorry, I did not really mean that there's vacuum in that thread. It's that the other person kind of asked a question, I replied to it, and then - nothing. Maybe they were planning on coming to it next day. But the thread was kind of devoted to yesterday, and it would seem it ended successfully, so to say... I don't know if this makes sense at all...

But what is a friend online? I previously thought I had friends, but when I needed a friend the most there was no one. Sometimes I just couldn't face going online and contacting them. What if I lose the courage to come on here?

I already feel ashamed about that new thread, because the problem was really small, and... Nobody tells me if I did the right thing or not, and there's just a vacuum (aside from you and another person). And I know too well the state of shouting into the void of the Internet.

Anyway, my mom's job is still there. The rumors were apparently quite exaggerated. A little bit burnt down and everything else just smells burny.

So in the morning I got notified that I didn't have any work today either. I managed to steer myself into a mood for music. But right now, in the evening, I'm checking my work email, and there's a message from my controller, with instructions that make me want to leave and in general I feel angry and frustrated by them, because I don't care about this field and don't want to learn more about it. Essentially, she's telling me to study our guidelines, which are arbitrary and confusing. Aside from angering me, it also means a lot of additional, frustrating effort for very little pay, because that's a project for about $10, and I know that I'm not going to get done with it today, since it'll take me some time to overcome my frustration...

Things that help: hitting something rhythmically or turning the music to full blast and singing at the top of my voice. Also food.

How's your day?

I am sorry my friendship online cannot be enough - it is all I can offer you. Friendship, whether online or not, is a precarious thing. Friends are not bound to the same committment as a spouse. That means that while sometimes you will reach for them, they may not be available. It does not mean they necessarily don't want to be there for you - but they may be on vacation, or you may have lost touch for a time, or they may be sleeping or a myriad of other reasons. Each type of relationship comes with its own definition of "love" and its own boundaries - you either accept them or you don't.

I know it can be hard, but I hope you find a way to accept the boundaries that come with friendship and what it's type of love is.

It's not that it's not enough. I really find the idea of a friend hard to define, so to say. I've often struggled with that when it came up on questionnaires, etc. And online makes it even more difficult. I guess I could say that my sister's (possible) ex is my friend, except what if I never talk to him again?

I think I might genuinely have a problem with attachment to people...

I struggle to think of times when my relationships were not dysfunctional in any way. For example, a person I called a friend (in questionnaires at least) the longest time was 7 years my junior when I was in school.

So in the morning I got notified that I didn't have any work today either. I managed to steer myself into a mood for music. But right now, in the evening, I'm checking my work email, and there's a message from my controller, with instructions that make me want to leave and in general I feel angry and frustrated by them, because I don't care about this field and don't want to learn more about it. Essentially, she's telling me to study our guidelines, which are arbitrary and confusing. Aside from angering me, it also means a lot of additional, frustrating effort for very little pay, because that's a project for about $10, and I know that I'm not going to get done with it today, since it'll take me some time to overcome my frustration...

Things that help: hitting something rhythmically or turning the music to full blast and singing at the top of my voice. Also food.

How's your day?

So it kind of got me wondering - how important is your relationship with the fiance to you? Myself, I've never had something like that, and I feel like I got transformed through periods of shame, awkwardness and complete loneliness into just not caring... Or maybe I'm naturally like that.

At the same time it's another thing that makes me feel... out of place, I guess. Because normal people seem to expend so much energy on finding and keeping a romantic partner...

I don't know. I just saw a clip from the movie What If and I'm wondering if you, for example, relate to a situatiation depicted, if not exactly there, then in a typical romantic movie.