[Jonkoping]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. Haven't introduced myself yet in the new members' thread but might do so later. I'm posting in depression section even though I have so many other problems as well: generalized anxiety, panic attacks, emetophobia (fear of everything that has to do with vomit), food phobia, some kind of an eating disorder where I have no hunger or appetite and I'm underweight.

I'm 32 and I'm a failure. I have nothing. My boyfriend broke up with me 3.5 months ago. I don't interact with my family, we are awkward with each other. I've just now realized how troubled our family always was. Mom has a lot of mental health problems. We can't even use the words 'woman', 'man', 'breasts', 'hips', 'bra' or 'underwear'. My dad is soon 75 and I'm constantly scared that if he dies soon I won't be able to get through another loss.

I've realized I've been living with shame and guilt my entire life. I don't have a personality. I fake and suppress whatever I am because I'm just wrong, serious, judgmental, withdrawn, I've never made long lasting friends.

I had a short lived marriage 2 years ago. My husband was abusive. He stalked and harassed me long after I had left him. I started studying narcissism and psychopathy and came to a conclusion he was one. However, for the past 1+ year I've had constant torturing thoughts that I'm a covert narcissist myself. This realization destroys me because it means I'll never be able to be genuine and stable or have a family. Life is meaningless.

I don't talk about my problems to anyone because that would push away the few friends I have and if I portray myself as a victim like that it only proves I'm a covert narcissist. I constantly check myself for signs of how mean I am and how I don't have empathy.

I've been on escitalopram twice before and life was mostly good during those times. However it kills your sex drive and orgasm and short-term memory so I quit.

After the marriage I had a boyfriend for over a year. He's a highly motivated, successful, happy, energetic and extroverted person. I relied on him. I'm codependent. I don't have anything without him. He had to support me so much. I ruined my best shot at a happy future by not being able to fix my anxiety issues while we were together.

But he also left me in a deeply confused state:

-Early on in our relationship he let me understand he didn't like the way I kissed.

-Once he called my tights whorish (he apologized).

-Once I had showed him a beautiful music video saying that finding it had been the best thing of the entire day. A week later I showed it to him again and maybe he didn't remember it was the same one because he said it sucked and was so cliché.

-Once he said he wanted to get to know me better and know what I like but added that he might laugh at my interests. He always said I shouldn't care what he thinks.

-Once he said one day I'll come and tell him I've kissed someone else and that his reaction would be "heck if I care".

-He said he didn't want to give validation because people should just feel good about themselves internally. However he would quite often talk to me about other girls being "amazing" or "cute".

-He loves female attention. It bothers me. I told him I did not think he was cheating on me but that for me it was about respect. He said he didn't understand what I meant by respect.

-We talked on the phone two weeks ago and I swear he said something like "of course I met/got to know some cute/interesting girls when we were together". It hurt me so damn much and I said he just basically proved me right that he had not had just platonic feelings for other girls. But again I could not really question him or get angry because he said it in a way that could as well just mean that of course there were other interesting girls but that he didn't act on it.

-He also told me a couple of times that my ex husband obviously didn't know what he was doing based on the way he abused/manipulated me. This made me paranoid that what my boyfriend was actually saying was that he could do it better.

-Once I was expressing my concern how I couldn't fully trust him and said that I didn't really know why this was, after all the support and great things he had done. He replied: "Because when people are too good they're manipulating you." So basically he said he had manipulated me? But then again he explained that he viewed the word manipulation as "having an impact" and not in a malicious way. This left me confused and paranoid about his intentions.

Right now he's flirting with a girl he went climbing with a few times (as friends and I think there were other people as well at least the first time they went) right before we broke up. I went to a party two nights back and both of them were there. Seeing him flirt and be all over her destroyed me and eventually I left the party crying and without saying bye to anyone. They are not dating, she doesn't seem as interested in him maybe. I can't even question him about it all because of course they were "just friends" when him and I were together.

I think I have ADD tendencies as well. I can't concentrate. Even this post is a mess because I can't organize my thoughts. I don't have a career or a job. I have a degree as an occupational therapist but screwed up my career chances as well by only working as on OT for 6 months when I graduated 5 years ago. I don't seem to have passions. I'm not good enough at anything. I only wanted a husband who would give me a sense of meaning and purpose and validate my existence. This also proves I'm a narcissist or a borderline who is just an empty shell and lives off of outside acceptance and validation. Now I am sure I will never find anyone again. I'm too old. And I can only blame myself for making all the wrong decisions in life. I don't have time to fix myself anymore so that I could be healthy and have a family.

I'm so paralyzed I mostly stay all day in bed alone in my tiny rented studio apartment. I haven't eaten again in two days. Right now I'm trying but I have no appetite. I got an appointment to a nutritionist but it's not until 31st of August. I don't know what type of therapy to look for. Earlier I was thinking CBT because of the anxieties and phobias but now I think I'm just so troubled that no one can help me. And also I can't open up even to a therapist because I hate it when they start analyzing how unstable I am and I just don't want to hear it.

What on earth do I do?

[Mackie51]

Give yourself time to recover. You know what happens when you're in a train wreck? You go to hospital, then into rehabilitation, then you take years for your bones to recover and so on. You've been through so much and instead of getting the help you need, you've been blamed and you've been blaming yourself. Guess what? It's not your fault. Sometimes life is just too tough. People fall sick all the time and we give them medicine and tell them to rest and help them to recover. But when we get emotional hardships, it's like we have to deal with it ourselves. Often we can't. Like some people don't fall sick in their lives and other people catch a cold everytime the temperature changes. We don't beat up those people who fail sick easily. Why are we so hard on people when it comes to emotional problems? Don't be so hard on yourself. You can get well again. That's the one bright light about emotions. We can heal and we can be stronger after that. You will be alright. Just be kinder to yourself. You're not to blame. You deserve better. Don't be ashamed to get help. Find another doctor if the one you're seeing is not helping you. You have the right. After all you've been through, you deserve the best you can get.

[Jonkoping]

Originally Posted by Mackie51

Give yourself time to recover. You know what happens when you're in a train wreck? You go to hospital, then into rehabilitation, then you take years for your bones to recover and so on. You've been through so much and instead of getting the help you need, you've been blamed and you've been blaming yourself. Guess what? It's not your fault. Sometimes life is just too tough. People fall sick all the time and we give them medicine and tell them to rest and help them to recover. But when we get emotional hardships, it's like we have to deal with it ourselves. Often we can't. Like some people don't fall sick in their lives and other people catch a cold everytime the temperature changes. We don't beat up those people who fail sick easily. Why are we so hard on people when it comes to emotional problems? Don't be so hard on yourself. You can get well again. That's the one bright light about emotions. We can heal and we can be stronger after that. You will be alright. Just be kinder to yourself. You're not to blame. You deserve better. Don't be ashamed to get help. Find another doctor if the one you're seeing is not helping you. You have the right. After all you've been through, you deserve the best you can get.

Thank you, Mackie51! This made me cry so much

I sometimes experience a short moment when I feel compassion for myself. But mostly life is a huge battle and I'm just alone and empty. Or if I go to a social event I try to fake being OK because there's no other option really. I've aged fifteen years in the past two years.

[Sunflower123]

Welcome to PC. You'll find lots of support here. I agree that you should give yourself time to heal. You are very negative and down on yourself. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself, you've been through a lot of very painful things. If you're not already seeing a therapist, I encourage you to find a highly qualified one. You have a lot on your plate. You need support and help untangling some of these issues. Good luck and best wishes.

[Jonkoping]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I agree that you should give yourself time to heal. You are very negative and down on yourself. If you're not already seeing a therapist, I encourage you to find a highly qualified one. You have a lot on your plate. You need support and help untangling some of these issues. Good luck and best wishes.

I'm extremely negative and I'm ruining my life because of it. I was in a better place before this past relationship. This relationship and breakup just took what was left of me. Now I'm in a constant fear of not knowing if my ex boyfriend was the greatest person ever and I just pushed him away for nothing and because I got delusional that he was manipulating me or somehow psychopathic. Or was it wrong of him to have so many female friends and almost every other day mention how "great fun" some of these girls are. I was not a jealous person before but eventually him praising other girls was just exhausting.

Two nights ago when I was out with this group of friends, I ended up talking about the break up with a common friend. He said that to him it seems like my ex might be polyamorous. I didn't bring it up. He did. I asked him if my ex ever said something like this. He said no, but that it his instinct says this might be the case.

My ex has a future plan of building a big house together with some friends. Every couple would have their own apartment though. But this just makes me think if in fact he wants to be with more than one woman at a time? I am just so confused. I'm trying so hard to make sense of things.

[coolbeans82]

Maybe the best thing to do would be ask him ,an except the answer you get.Either way you have to be confident in that he isn't or you could ruin an amazing thing digging for fools gold.You may wake up an realize you've dug to china.....alone while what you want has done got so far out of graspe you'll never get it back.....sorry...just if we had time machines.. I would go back an love her better an if it burned again I would not change her being in my life I would not let her feel like nothing....don't worry about things to the point where you stop making moments.Time to feel each other an be in sync, also time to sync your self....doing what you like whether you partner does or not....respect one another an don't worry about what he does on his sync time as long as you have that respect an balance...DONT GO LOOKING FOR THINGS UNTIL YOU CREATE IT .....sprry maybe you need to open up to him that's all.

[Mackie51]

Originally Posted by Jonkoping

I'm in a constant fear of not knowing if my ex boyfriend was the greatest person ever and I just pushed him away for nothing and because I got delusional that he was manipulating me or somehow psychopathic.

I don't know how to help on relationships. All I know is that there's no right or wrong in relationships. Just what works for you. You deserve all the love you can get and sometimes it's better to be on your own than in a bad relationship. I agree with the advice to see a good psychologist. You'd see a doctor if you're sick, won't you? I also think you need someone who can reassure you. Not frighten you. It's about what you need, not what's right or wrong. The greatest person ever may not be the right person for you (he may be too popular with women and may be too impatient with your needs). Think about yourself. Do what's best for you.