[stefano]

I'm scared because my pain is not strong enough, like other times. It feels like it is here to stay

Having been not enough bad today, I don't feel relieved now. I can't do it without the evening truce. Good talk with my T, but it is rational stuff. It may dissipate my anguish only with time...

I don't feel lifeless, I am endowed with an exceptional ability to be SAD. I don't feel guilty for anything, but i feel this gloomy despair will NOT kill me, it will keep me alive and inflict me an extraordinary amount of PAIN.

And I am scared

[wickedwings]

((((stefano)))) i know.

[kebsfroggy]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am endowed with an exceptional ability to be SAD

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have never heard it put that way before but I definitely know the feeling.

((((((( stefano )))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( stefano ))))))))))))

my friend........i know how scared you are and i hate that you are feeling this pain.......its the worst kind there is.....just bad enough to dull all happiness.........i wish there were wise words or some ridiculous ideas to give to you..........anything to help you....but there is not......i can only pray that whatever it takes to lift this fog off of your life...........that it happens and happens soon........please let me know how you are getting on.....i care

[stefano]

Thank you my friends, you are warming a little my heart now that it is SO cold... today was another horrible day. Not a thought nor an action can interrupt the flow of gloomy images that parade before my eyes. I'm exhausted and I cry everytime I remain alone. I couldn't even enjoy my Aikido session (martial arts are the MOST significant part of my life). I did it, but I was joyless, and that made me feel even more strange.

I have a little hope, however. I called my pdoc and we realized that I was taking too little Lamictal, only 12.5 mg while I was supposed to rise to 100 mg. He tought he had told me, I didn't remember that my current prescription was not definitive. So now I will raise that Lamictal of 25 mg weekly up to 100 mg.

The voice inside my head is screaming that it can't make a difference... but I will take those pills and wait.

Thank you so much for listening and being with me

[Fuzzybear]

I hope the pills help to silence the voice

oh stefano........i was so glad to read your post tonight!....the exact same thing happened to me.....i was hopeless and then got my meds straightened out and that was all it took!.........now i'm better.......i pray that this works for you too! please let me know.....

((((((stefano)))))))

[kebsfroggy]

Oh I so hope your change in strength on the lamictal works. That is has to be done in steps can be frustrating.

You have so much to offer that your life should not be wasted on depression.

((((( stefano )))))))
I wish you the best.

[stefano]

It's going to take time, about one month to get to 100 mg, and it will take a lot of patience. The uncertainty is so taxing.

I've just been videochatting with a girl who has depression and panick attacks. It was a half hour of nearly cheerful chat. Even if I just managed not to show the real entity of my despair. Now I think about how it is cruel that innocent people like us have to suffer so much. And this includes you all, my friends.
And I can't help but cry.

Now the day is almost over, fortunately, tomorrow I will restart fencing with the demon screaming in my head, my arguments always the weakest...

Thanks to you all

stefano.......your arguments may be weak but there is strength in numbers.....th demon is only 1 and we your friends are many and will stand behind you in the fight!

[wickedwings]

(((((stefano))))) i am with you. hope we can walk out of this together. i pray the lamictal works for you.

[frightened]

I too am titrating up on Lamictal. Also on heavy doses of Effexor XR, Risperdal, Ativan, and Sleep meds. I know the pain you describe, and thee terrible fear that it will never get better. I have been fighting this awful depression for most of the last 17 years, and at times aai do not wish to keep on fighting. It would be so much easier to just give in and let it all be over. Somehow, I must find a way to keep on breathing for the next 5-10 minutes, and then do it all again.I am uncertain whether my T. even believes in the severity of my trouble. Sometimes he seems to think I don't WANT to be better. It is so incredibly difficult. Keep on keeping on, my friend...what else can we do?