I don't trust my perception

Why do I not trust my own perception and feelings the way most people do? I hear people talk about their lives with such certainty.. I don't have that. I always wonder if I'm overreacting, if I'm over sensitive... if I'm crazy.
I would consider myself in a bad relationship. Abusive, according to friends and online forums. But I STILL feel like I'm making it up, like it's not as bad as I feel it is and that I'm just overreacting.

This is troubling for me because the uncertainty is stopping me from taking the leap to leave. I am on the verge of calling the police and asking for help as he won't leave and I cannot afford to (I work and pay for everything, he cannot find employment).
It would help if I actually felt confident in my decisions.. but I do not.
I never know what is real and what is not. Why do I live in this odd dream like world

I'm on antidepressants, before I started, i was severely suicidal. The medication takes the edge off and constant depression, but I still feel like I cannot make decisions in worry of making the wrong one.

Any advice from someone who has felt the same way?

Sometimes when we are labeled mentally ill we lose trust in our feelings. Do you have a therapist or someone else to talk to? If you are not happy in your current relationship...you do not need a "reason" or excuse to end it. Try to trust your feelings. They are there to help you. Being unhappy does not mean you are crazy.

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. It's rough when you don't trust yourself. I have been there also. I heard a piece of advice one time that I carry with me still. I think it was in a Martha Beck book or a video. She said to take stock of the things you know are true. And even when I didn't know anything and I didn't trust my own judgement or my own feelings, I knew for sure that I loved my dogs. And I concentrated a lot on the fact that I loved my dogs. It was like an anchor I suppose. It helped me.

I have felt all these things, except possibly, over sensitive. Looking back, I only started feeling this way after severe financial stresses--and when you are worried about your children's future it causes more anxiety. I think medications can make your emotions go up and down. My daughter gave the best advice--don't make decisions based on emotions. Zedsdead--you have been through some stressful, emotional times. Use your emotions to motivate yourself to make a plan but do not take any actions (unless you are reacting to danger) until your emotions have calmed down. I have always tried to "sleep on it" before making final plans/ taking a significant action.

Like you, I sometimes don't trust my own perceptions. I also worry that I'm being too sensitive or am overreacting. What helps me the most is to seek input from others. I go to people--professionals and/or friends--whose judgment I trust. I do my best to present a situation as objectively as I can and then listen to their feedback. If more than one person tells me the same thing, I take it seriously.

No one can make my decisions for me, but others' perspectives can clarify what's going on in my life.

Thank you all for the kind words and advice.
I do believe being labelled mentally ill can cause me to question my perception. It doesn't help that when I feel the emotions get too much to be silent and I react, I am told to take another pill or that I need to check into a mental hospital. I resent those statements but then wonder.. am I really crazy!?
I have found peace in spending time with my children, it is like an anchor in my life for sure. I know that they mean the world to me, that is not an illusion. I have been finding that spending time with them outside on long walks along the river is so peaceful and just grounds me completely.

Hopingtrying, I am so thankful for the medication. Without it, I'm not sure I would be here at all. But you are right, sometimes I wonder if it's me talking or the medication. I definitely don't act upon the urges I feel until I feel completely confident the action is correct. I do try to sleep on it, but sometimes I feel that after a sleep, the urge to leave is gone and I think... maybe it will be okay. But it still persists and then I cycle through the feelings all over again and then feel even more like a failure the longer I don't act. It's a nasty cycle that's for sure.
I have taken a tiny break from seeking to 'fix' my issue as it was causing so much anxiety that I was starting to lose sleep. Iv started taking better care of myself and taking the time to enjoy myself and my children and just working on being putting boundaries in place in the meantime.
Kathryn, I find it so much easier to look to others for opinions and advice. It's probably the reason I post here lots!! I did have a therapist and she was amazing. It was during my time with her that I found the confidence to leave my partner the first time. Due to working full time and over, I stopped seeing her and I think I lost the support I really needed during this. I may call today and see if I can fit in again. She was an amazing help.

I guess I wish I could just make decisions on my own without having to check with everyone to see if what I feel is right or if it's normal. I wish I knew what normal was.

I guess I want to include something positive, other than this particular situation, I am experiencing massive amounts gratitude every day over the most simple of things.
I feel my depression as a whole is losing the battle and I am coming out and discovering who I really am. Which is amazing for me, as I have suffered for as long as I can remember. It's a very good feeling.

Zedsdead--I still take medications as well. With time, we become used to them and learn what they can and can't do for us but they do pose risks--especially when we make big changes to dosages. They provide some relief but do not change us IPO.

You say you want to act but are to anxious to act (leave him). It seems like either you love him and/or afraid of him. You really need to evaluate in an unemotional way if he is dangerous; otherwise, it would be easier for you. I cannot remember if he has hit you? (I think he has.) You are in grave danger in the long run if he has been violent. The only exception to this would be if he was drinking when he did this and no longer touches alcohol. Sometimes people do things under the influence that they would not do sober. He has not been a good provider. Is this improving? What do you think his intent is? It is tough for some to find a job. Does he want to use you or is he trying but just having challenges? You said he treats one child badly--perhaps this is because he is not interested in really young children (so unusual) but if he is still like this when the child is 2, 3, that is a bad sign for the child's future. You are so wounded by the way your mother treated you. Your H could (only you can evaluate) do the same damage to one of yours (his). Sorry to bring up this depressing subject. I am glad you are enjoying your children. I think the main problem with my marriage is that I love my children more than H sometimes. They want different things. Huge conflicts.

Our mental issues/financial issues/etc can be distracting but you do need to evaluate and act based on facts, not emotions, concerning staying married to this man.....

I think I care for him, but I do not feel love for him if that makes sense. I care more about what he will do if I leave. Will he hurt himself? Will he hurt me? This person is my children's father, one of the most important people that will ever be in their lives.. and I am scared they will forever hate me if he did something to himself when we left. If we leave, he will have nothing. I see this as a dangerous place to be in.. He has no money, no job, no home, no family willing to put up with him and I guess in some way, I feel responsible for him.
He has hit me in the past, has raised his hand to me lately during arguments and grabbed my wrists etc.. But I think that's purely because I don't react the way I used to when I wasn't on medication. If he was horrible to me back then, I would cry, try to leave and say things in return. Since starting medication, it doesn't hurt as much, I just stay quiet and walk away basically.

I know in my heart it is over, we are still together because he won't leave and I'm very anxious to go to the police and possibly turn his entire world upside down. I know that I will leave when I am ready, I just need to boost my confidence up.

Since concentrating on my past abuse with my mother, it has helped a lot in the fact that I can see the repetitive behaviour and how he acts just like her. It helps to know I'm not crazy and that this isn't all just a coincidence.

The providing situation hasn't improved either. Maybe even worsened? He worked about 4 days cash in hand last month and gave me 300 dollars total towards bills. Not much compared to the 2.5k I pay out monthly and on top of that our shared vehicle got repossessed.

I don't know much about healthy relationships as iv never had one, but I know I too love my children more than their father. I can only imagine how things would be when my children are older.
My oldest daughter has began to confide in me how she feels about my partner. She is not his, but she calls him dad as hers has not spoke to us since her birth. She tells me he says spiteful things and tells her to be ashamed of herself for silly things that are in no way her fault.
That right now is the main thing I am concentrating on, whether or not he loves me or my 2 boys.. He is not going to destroy my daughter the same way my parents did me. I am working on leaving, just trying to find the right way that I can feel confident in my decision and that will have the least traumatic effect on my kids.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You've received many good suggestions. I hope one or several end up helping you. Sending big hugs.