[Neverlosehope87]

Hi everyone,
my name is Sarah and I’m new to this. I’m a mother of 3 children. And I’m absolutely depressed. I have a son with some very complex needs (middle child- GAD, OCD, ODD, ADHD, depression, communication disorder) . Since he was 18 months, our lives have revolved around B, he’s 9 now. Everything was and is about B and slowly I became a new person. I became what he needed me to be. I no longer had the time or the energy for friends because B needed me. I gave up my career because B needed me, still needs me. I gave up my hobbies because B needed therapy and money goes to him because he needs it. Last night, I had to quit my job because there’s no one to watch B while I’m at work.

It was the last thing I had left for me but B needs me. And now I’m left unsure who I am and I’m completely alone. B needs me but I have nothing left to give. I have no friends left, they’ve all given up. And when I try to do something with them, I find myself disconnected because I don’t remember how to socialize. Because I can’t seem to connect with them and their so basic lives and complaints. I go home and cry and decide it’s not worth it. I won’t resurface again for months, not that they seem to care anyways.
I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do anymore. My family isn’t the best support system, they have their own lives with their jobs and my husband, while is a good person..... he’s also disconnected, spends more time looking at his phone than his family, than looking at me. I’ve given up trying to get him to pay attention....I want it to end, I want all of life to end but I don’t want to die. I just want B to go away. God I’m an awful person, an awful mother for thinking those things. Always fighting, always arguing. Everything is a fight, even the most basic requests. I’m so tired of fighting, I’m so tired of not knowing who I am anymore, I’m so tired of being needed. I want to find a rock and hide until everything is done, or gone. But I can’t, because B needs me and there’s no one else to help.

[Winterbritt]

Hi Sarah

I'm Brittany, but Sarah is my middle name, so that's interesting.

I don't have any children, so I can't pretend to know what that's like. I just wanted to send some support your way. Your situation sounds very difficult.

Having a kid seems also to be a pretty permanent situation, so it seems to me that your avenues to feel better are going to have go straight through your situation rather than around it.

Have you looked into any support groups for parents of similar children? Online or in person?

So here is an idea, and take from this what you will. Even if you cannot change your situation, you still can change your thoughts about your situation. Your statements about your child and yourself, it is your perception. It isn't truth.

And those mental statements that you make to yourself like, "I am completely alone" "I don't know who I am" that is where your suffering is born. And you don't have to just accept and believe everything your mind comes up with, especially the negative things that make you feel lost and alone and uncaring. You can stop suffering by learning to question those thoughts.

It took awhile to set in for me. It takes practice to be able to identify the difference between imagination and reality. Imagination is anything that comes out of your mind. Reality is what you can see or hear or touch right now. It took months of practice but my mind started doing the process automatically. My negative thoughts get dismantled as soon as they come up. It's how I walked away from depression. It really does work.

There's a lady who goes around teaching a method of this questioning that she calls Inquiry. The method is based on the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy. But it's just a few simple questions you answer and then all you have to do is think. It's super easy.

This is a good example of how the process works.

but she has a lot of Youtube video walking people through all kinds of hurtful thoughts.

[pegasus]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Is there any way you can get yourself a break? It sounds like you are caring so much for others that you have lost yourself. You need a break, a day just for you. To treat yourself in some way that would be meaningful for you. Are you on medication? Do you see a therapist? Are there other people or other carers you can talk to with children that also have complex needs? Food for thought.

[Neverlosehope87]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

Hi Sarah

I'm Brittany, but Sarah is my middle name, so that's interesting.

I don't have any children, so I can't pretend to know what that's like. I just wanted to send some support your way. Your situation sounds very difficult.

Having a kid seems also to be a pretty permanent situation, so it seems to me that your avenues to feel better are going to have go straight through your situation rather than around it.

Have you looked into any support groups for parents of similar children? Online or in person?

So here is an idea, and take from this what you will. Even if you cannot change your situation, you still can change your thoughts about your situation. Your statements about your child and yourself, it is your perception. It isn't truth.

And those mental statements that you make to yourself like, "I am completely alone" "I don't know who I am" that is where your suffering is born. And you don't have to just accept and believe everything your mind comes up with, especially the negative things that make you feel lost and alone and uncaring. You can stop suffering by learning to question those thoughts.

It took awhile to set in for me. It takes practice to be able to identify the difference between imagination and reality. Imagination is anything that comes out of your mind. Reality is what you can see or hear or touch right now. It took months of practice but my mind started doing the process automatically. My negative thoughts get dismantled as soon as they come up. It's how I walked away from depression. It really does work.

There's a lady who goes around teaching a method of this questioning that she calls Inquiry. The method is based on the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy. But it's just a few simple questions you answer and then all you have to do is think. It's super easy.

This is a good example of how the process works.

but she has a lot of Youtube video walking people through all kinds of hurtful thoughts.

Hi Brittany,
Thank you for your reply and the food for thought. This is not something I am familiar with and will research as soon as I have the time. I do have some basic training on CBT but it’s often easier to do with others than on yourself. It’s like I forget that I also need these things. I’m not sure if that makes sense at all? I know I definitely need to change the way I think. It just feels like I’m stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to break that cycle. Hopefully with more research, it will help give me the tools to do so.
A Support group for parents of disabled/special needs children would probably be a god sent but there are none in my area. That would also force the issue that I have no one to watch B, (my oldest son is 13 and can babysit the 3 year old but not B- it’s not safe). It would also force me to talk to people I don’t know. I don’t think I could do that, even though technically I am currently doing it right now. I think I’ve developed social anxiety because I have been hiding for so long that I just don’t know how to do it. We stopped going out, to friends, and just in public in general because it always ends the same way- a battle. B has a lot of physical aggression- with us (parents) his little brother (strangled him most recently), school etc. Anyways, I did try to find one online but couldn’t. I figured I’d look for support for my depression first. Try to fix me first then fix the family.
And yes children are permanent. We did look into residential schools for him (suggested by a psychologist), but the thought makes me sick. I could never do that to him, the guilt of sending him away would eat me alive. I wouldn’t be there to tuck him in, to hug hi when he’s hurt, to tell him I love him. But then I also wonder, if perhaps we aren’t what he needs. Maybe we aren’t enough, things that residential schools could offer him. And then I’m stuck wondering what’s me and what is my depression.

Thank you though for taking the time to reply and post the video. I’ll watch it tonight when the kids are in bed and do more research. It’s a goal to work towards. A purpose

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by Neverlosehope87

Hi Brittany,
Thank you for your reply and the food for thought. This is not something I am familiar with and will research as soon as I have the time. I do have some basic training on CBT but it’s often easier to do with others than on yourself. It’s like I forget that I also need these things. I’m not sure if that makes sense at all? I know I definitely need to change the way I think. It just feels like I’m stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to break that cycle. Hopefully with more research, it will help give me the tools to do so.
A Support group for parents of disabled/special needs children would probably be a god sent but there are none in my area. That would also force the issue that I have no one to watch B, (my oldest son is 13 and can babysit the 3 year old but not B- it’s not safe). It would also force me to talk to people I don’t know. I don’t think I could do that, even though technically I am currently doing it right now. I think I’ve developed social anxiety because I have been hiding for so long that I just don’t know how to do it. We stopped going out, to friends, and just in public in general because it always ends the same way- a battle. B has a lot of physical aggression- with us (parents) his little brother (strangled him most recently), school etc. Anyways, I did try to find one online but couldn’t. I figured I’d look for support for my depression first. Try to fix me first then fix the family.
And yes children are permanent. We did look into residential schools for him (suggested by a psychologist), but the thought makes me sick. I could never do that to him, the guilt of sending him away would eat me alive. I wouldn’t be there to tuck him in, to hug hi when he’s hurt, to tell him I love him. But then I also wonder, if perhaps we aren’t what he needs. Maybe we aren’t enough, things that residential schools could offer him. And then I’m stuck wondering what’s me and what is my depression.

Thank you though for taking the time to reply and post the video. I’ll watch it tonight when the kids are in bed and do more research. It’s a goal to work towards. A purpose

I get addressing your depression before you address the situation. That makes a ton of sense. And once I addressed my depression, I have a LOT less social anxiety, much better self esteem, a much grander sense of adventure and way more energy. Depression is definitely the place to start. Let me know what you think about that video. It's incredible stuff. I am rooting for you. I get a vibe that you're a really smart really loving mother and a fun person and you're going to be ok.

[Neverlosehope87]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Is there any way you can get yourself a break? It sounds like you are caring so much for others that you have lost yourself. You need a break, a day just for you. To treat yourself in some way that would be meaningful for you. Are you on medication? Do you see a therapist? Are there other people or other carers you can talk to with children that also have complex needs? Food for thought.

A break would probably be fantastic but I have such a hard time turning off my brain. I’d spend the entire day worrying what B is doing, if I’ll get that call that I need to go home. Even leaving him with my SO. Or I’ll think about the mess I know that will be there when I get home. It makes the day not even worth it. But I guess that’s the negative way of thinking that’s partially responsible for getting me into this mess. At some point, I just stopped. Stopped taking care of myself, stopped trying to go out, stopped talking to friends because it didn’t seem worth it..... even though it is worth it. Something I need to work on more.

I am not on any medication although I do have a prescription for lorazapam (spelling?) for when my anxiety gets too much. I have had counsellors in the past. They didn’t really help and maybe I just hadn’t found the right one... gave up because it “wasn’t worth it”. I’ve created walls, walls to high and so reinforced that no one has gotten through. Even my S/O of 11 years doesn’t know all my secrets, my thoughts, my pain. I don’t want him to know, I don’t want him to be burdened with it. Perhaps I needed a no ******** therapist. One who saw through the surface and forced me to face things I’ve probably never faced. But those services wouldn’t be free, they’d be expensive. I’m already facing the reality that we won’t be able to pay for B’s speech therapy (150$/hr) now that I had to quit my job. Therapy he desperately needs. I can’t fathom paying for a therapist for me, no matter how important it might be. Definitely have decisions to make. I just know that I’m sick of being sick and tired. Which means I need to make a change.... more than one. I figured reaching out online to connect can be my first step.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s appreciated

[Neverlosehope87]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

I get addressing your depression before you address the situation. That makes a ton of sense. And once I addressed my depression, I have a LOT less social anxiety, much better self esteem, a much grander sense of adventure and way more energy. Depression is definitely the place to start. Let me know what you think about that video. It's incredible stuff. I am rooting for you. I get a vibe that you're a really smart really loving mother and a fun person and you're going to be ok.

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I used to be really fun but over the past 8 years I’ve slowly became someone else. This person I don’t know. A shell I guess would be the best fit. I used to be very social, I used to the the first person to greet the new kids in class. I didn’t just have one social group in high school, I hung out with everyone and anyone (although typically depended on my mood for that day). I’m ready to close this chapter in my life though. I want to become someone else because the person I am now isn’t the right fit for my story. I’ll never be the person I used to be, and I don’t think I really want to be either. But this person today, I’m disgusted with. She needs to go and it’s almost daunting all the work I’ll have to do. But I can and I will.... smalls steps and a plan will help.

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by Neverlosehope87

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I used to be really fun but over the past 8 years I’ve slowly became someone else. This person I don’t know. A shell I guess would be the best fit. I used to be very social, I used to the the first person to greet the new kids in class. I didn’t just have one social group in high school, I hung out with everyone and anyone (although typically depended on my mood for that day). I’m ready to close this chapter in my life though. I want to become someone else because the person I am now isn’t the right fit for my story. I’ll never be the person I used to be, and I don’t think I really want to be either. But this person today, I’m disgusted with. She needs to go and it’s almost daunting all the work I’ll have to do. But I can and I will.... smalls steps and a plan will help.

Yes!!!! That's super exciting.

[Sunflower123]

Your story breaks my heart. All of your thoughts and feelings are valid. You sound like the furthest thing from a bad mother to me. You are in a really tough situation so I hope you will take those small steps because you can’t be there for B or your other children if you go down or get burn out. I admire your strength. Thinking of you.

[Neverlosehope87]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

Yes!!!! That's super exciting.

Gosh darnnit Brit! Those videos were AMAZING! I actually found one that was somewhat close to how I was feeling about B. It’s very much an eye opening thought process. As terrified as I am to do my own worksheet, I’m ready to face it.
I just wanted to say thank you a million times over. I’ve had a lot of advice and counselling with and for Bryden. I’ve worked with a lot of psychologists and behavioural specialists... the list goes on, nothing has ever hit me as hard as that has. Thank you!!!

[Winterbritt]

I'm so glad it's helping you! It really changed my life and I love spreading the word about it. She has a website too that has a ton of resources on it. Let me know how the worksheet goes!!