Wanting to “conquer the world” leaves me suicidal and depressed

I try to built intense effort to be successfully social and independent, so I can succeed more and more in life. It’s a compensation to how I felt - limited. With that mindset however, I am driving myself away from forming relationships, particularly with my family. But it has to be done. My mother wants our company on a daily basis and she’s kind of keeping us from growing.
It’s wearing me out though. That fight for independence, as I will never be satisfied. I am critical both of myself and of other people.

I lay here in my room worn out. I hardly managed to put an actual effort for independence although I hope to be more able in the future. Right now, the fights are mostly within.

As I said, it’s a compensation for many things. I have things to be angry about, but I’m really trying to make the best of it. Not through slacking off, but I want to put hard work, so I can FINALLY go my own way!
Ironically though, there are times where I tell myself, “Jesus, I need some serious guidance for this, I’m going crazy inside”.

I too lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.

Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.

So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.

Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me. Nurturing our innate and learned abilities, and working on adding a few necessary life skills is all we can really do.

Please be kind & generous to yourself Vibrating Obsidian, I wish you all the best in moving forward.

I've read several posts of yours. I think you're pushing yourself too hard. It's good to have ambitions and chase your dreams, and it's not a problem. You doubt and punishing yourself too much, even though there's nothing wrong with what you're doing.

Just be humble to yourself, reward yourself.

My previous therapist was hard on me, and he’d justify it by saying that’s the point of therapy - to focus on the wrongs and critic them.
His strong negative transmitting emotions have contaminated me. It also happens with parents, and a few other people.

I can’t reward myself when I’m stuck with contaminating emotions. A nazi therapist I can’t punish for his sins, yet hell, I REALLY want to

Sorry that you got bad therapist. I'm sorry that you're contaminated by him. But you're realize that he's wrong. I know it's easier to say, but just break free.

You can reward yourself. You just don't want to do it. The bounds, the critics, they are illusions. You created them because of the bad therapist's influence. Now he's just somebody in past. Don't get stuck in the past. Let go.

Love yourself, be generous to you.

Oh no, he was the one who caused this creation.
And how do I reward myself?
Restaurants - meaningless. Traveling - no one to travel with.
How do I reward myself?

Reward yiurself by getting a new T who can help you cancel out the harm that previous T did & also learn functional skills to help you achieve the independence that is appropriate for you to have by this point in life.

I remember way back, fighting for my independence from my parents from the age of 13. I thought because I was an only child that my parents wete trying to keep me their baby forever & I was darned if that was going to happen. It actually wasnt until just a few years ago that I realized just how dysfunctional my parents were & my mom not driving was what kept me from being involved in activities that other kids got to enjoy. If I couldnt walk somewhere in an unsafe area of town, I couldnt go or be involved. My parents embarrassed me to death so I avoided doing anything with them though I didnt understand it all at the time. Growing up is never easy & some parents make it more difficult than others.

The problem with reality is how much they adjust themselves to the environment. My parents are kind of solitary people, so it affected how we communicate with others. I lived in a high socioeconomic city, in its peak area. It also has an effect.

OK, from here is a dense collection of what I'm going through. It's allot, but it involves confusion regarding success in life and emotions.

Besides success, one thing my ex therapist said when I told him I want success in work, he tells me "But you know, everyone wants success" and some other emotionally-driven lectures. He'd always speak with emotions of either anger or concern.
"You are not here to talk about how to succeed, as you'll have no problem with that. The main focus here is working on emotions".
I think it's a trap. What is "emotions"?
Sound like a very innocent question, or one only a cartoon villain would ask. But really, what is the whole talk about emotional maturity? It's starting to sound like a religious act. Instead of "read the bible and do X Y Z as said by the bible", it's now "do whatever it takes to be an emotionally mature person". I find those two cases quite relative. So really, what is "emotions"? Some people would say "Let your emotions out whenever you need to". Others would say "Don't let them out, but explain them".

All those subjective views on emotions make me think it's all about rituals just like the bible, all over again.

I have no idea how to label myself emotionally. My mother says I am emotionally mature. I remember when I was a kid, my big brother'd tell me that my mother will always compliment me, so it's no use listening to her. That stuck to me and I half-believe it. Again, half-believe.

There was a moment with my ex therapist where he practiced an emotional moment with me. It was kind of a surprise, but I felt out of control. It felt exhilarating. But really, I don't see the point of it.
I personally see everything in life as a "what results from it?"
Work - success. Partner/girlfriend/spouse - kids. Music - being a known musician.

And to think of the possibility that the use of AD's have stunted my emotional growth, I don't see the point of letting that emotional part of me to be active. I mean, there are plenty of people who have grown emotionally and will probably be more successful in life because of that. So if that "emotional growth" concept is all about some sort of competition, then I'd rather just put an end to my life and that's that. Sounds irrational, but those are thoughts I've been having - if I lost the competition, what's the point of living? What's the point of emotions if they've been stunted to a point where hurtful people are "dominant" according to my therapist, and he said I have a problem with "dominance", in his pathetic concerned emotion again. Of course I'd have a problem with "dominance", when "dominant" people earn more than others, take their credit, lie and what not. Dominance is earned, not inherited. And I've been how dominance is earned - lots of anger, just like my ex therapist. He still doesn't apologize by the way.

You may think I am emotionally immature as I can't handle bad emotions. I don't know about labeling my emotional self, but you wouldn't be wrong about handling bad emotions. Anger is bad for my current depressive state. I see no point in tolerating something I already bear enough of right now. I don't see a point in adding more baggage.
If I even sense signs of assertion against me, like when a service provider would assert himself to some of my demands, even if I may have had a fault in the relationship, I will leave. After all, the service provider is there to give me service for MY money, so I don't have to compromise if I wish not to. A most excellent example would be the therapists.

So is emotional maturity the true path to success? If it is then I'll probably fail at success. And by the way, I saw two people at the bus talking about the good times they had as little kids when they put stickers on one kid's entire room as teasing. Yes, they sound like emotionally mature people, as they happily expressed the pleasure they've earned from performing an action on someone else without caring about how he'd feel afterwards. Oh, and easy to assume they really meant to cause him suffering and take pleasure from it. I'm all mockery sarcasm on this. Except the story itself.

Do you see how much the f*** I'm going through?

It's interesting to see how much complexity I've been going through as now my mind is a bit more clear.
Could this be the form of my depression? A complex of issues not taken care of.
We never deserve this.

Yesterday I had some productive self-talk. I thought of what could be behind people who fall to anxiety, depression or other forms of mental illnesses. I was wondering if it has to do with corporations of earlier times, where perhaps managers/bosses/supervisors would put a limit to how much emotions are being expressed due to the need to get things done. Because of the top people's personal hunger for resources, people at the bottom would get whipped to produce more outcome for more and more money, further conquering the world for it.
Those untouched from the whipping would probably be more emotionally healthy, hence being able to be much stronger providers for children.
So when I see people who for some reason "seem to have it all figured out for them" or "things going easy for them", I begin to ponder if it has to do with corporations of past times leading to this. Perhaps that figured-out person's father is a manager at work, who can express his anger more freely and hence be more purified of anger when coming home, then being able to provide better for the children.

This seems dark when I write this, but it gives me a clarity. It could also mean that "successful individual"'s father could have been one to give my own father a nightmare. Or give a nightmare to anyone's father.
Ouch.