Sent an email to my pdoc

I sent the following note to my pdoc. I haven't seen him in months and no-showed for my last appointment which was booked in late August. I phoned him and left a voicemail to let him know that I'd sent the email. I'd just like support while I wait for a response. I'm not sure when he will get back to work from Christmas holidays. The quoted text may be triggering.

Sounds like you've been through a lot, thought about and tried different treatments that you are unsure worked. I kind of know they only work for a while, in my experience. I'd love to not need them for sleep or to feel better.
I also missed 3 booked appts. this year, and I'm not sure whether he will refill my meds without seeing him, and then I will be going downhill fast.

I'm so sorry you feel like you can't live anymore. I've felt that way very much of the time, I hope you get to see him and get some help.

I hope to see him, but I don't expect it to help much.

I don't know if this will help you, or not, but here goes. You might try to have a pet, like a small lap dog, or a cat. I have found that if I have my babies to take care of, it helps me to go on. I have 3 rescued dogs, and one other that my husband picked out from a litter. I have a very small male 4& 1/2 pound Chihuahua that I rescued from a puppy mill. He was off in a corner by himself almost dead. The moma dog wouldn't take care of him, he was the runt. As soon as I got him we took him to the vet, and he ended up getting a blood transfusion. He will be 7 in may, and he has 3 meds he has to have for the rest of his life. He also has trouble keeping his sugar at a good level. I don't know how many times we almost lost him because his sugar dropped to almost nothing. He has seizures, and trouble with his throat, and his lungs. But I will tell you this, when we took him I had to force feed him boiled and ground up chicken livers for about 3 weeks, and I had to teach him how to walk, because he had forgotten. when I am having trouble living, I look at him, and see how hard he fought through his life, just to live, and I try to rethink my life issues. He is a little fighter, and doesn't give up. His name is Jose, and he looks like a tiny Doberman, and to him there never is a stranger. Our 2nd rescue I almost hit on our local highway. Her name is Pixie Wiggles because when I brought her home she wandered all over our 6 acers, and her tail never stops waving. I mostly call her wiggle worm. She is a blond/light tan Chihuahua, and she has a few MI problems, but we accept her as she is. Our last rescue is a black lab mix puppy. We named him Jake. He started out in a kill shelter, then went to a foster, We had driven four hours to another state to rescue him. Our only chosen baby is a black, and tan Chihuahua, that looks like a miniature rottwilder, and she is about 1/2 her weight over weight. These are our babies, and we will take them to the vet, before we would go to the doc. Sometimes I believe if it wasn't for them I would no longer be here. Just a little thing to think about. My thoughts, and prayers go out to you.

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I hope your pdoc gets back with you and gets you in for an appointment soon. Sending big hugs and positive vibes.

I talked with my pdoc today and he’s not giving up on me. We talked about how I have a tough illness, bipolar in my case, though I post here because it’s mostly just depression. I still think it’s hopeless but we talked about trying ECT again. He’s going to contact the pdoc who did it for me last time at the University. Neither of us could remember the name. In my defence, my memory of that time is a little spotty. I don’t know what my pdoc’s excuse is, the guy was one of his residents. We decided that I would wait until my next appointment to restart meds. I’m going say that I’d prefer not to use the antipsychotics because of the weight gain and I’m vetoing Zyprexa specifically. I’m not sure about Lithium, I can’t take it without gagging, but I know that’s psychological rather than physiological.

That’s part of why I stopped taking my meds. I’m gagging on all meds these days though even Advil for headaches and I’ll make myself take those so I could probably force myself to take meds again even if it’s unpleasant. I think I will have to take some sort of med with the ECT because last time the ECT was working until it triggered a mixed episode and we discontinued it.

My pdoc said he’ll find a time next week for an appointment for me though he wants to make his referral calls first.

+I hope you & your Pdoc can find something that will work for you. I know from personal experences that life is hard. Major depression is very hard. I fight with it every day. We don't have assisted suicide in the us. If a person talks about it for them selves, they are put into a psy ward for at least 72 hours. Each state calls it something different. I live in the state of Georgia, and they call it a 1013. If this happends to you here, you are sent to a mental hospital, and are on suicide watch 24/7. You aren't allowed into a regular room, you have to sit in like a TV room, so they can see you all the times, until you convince them that at least for that night, you will not hurt your self. I understand that people change there minds, and the problem that caused a person to consider this may change, so the medical field thinks that if something changes in that person's life, they may change there minds about suicide. From my knowlage this takes time. Most people want a quick fix, but that almost never happends with MI. We Must give things time to work, because what are our options if we don't? It all comes down to Life, or Death. Do you want to put all who love you through this, and know that once you are gone, that is permanent? Once you are gone, you can't talk with the people who love you, who you love, or ever total strangers, like me. Everything will be gone, and after awhile people will go on with there lives without you, and only bring your name up every now, and then. I ask you, who would be the one hurt the worst? (you!!!) I don't know if this will help you, but I hope it does make you think a little, I Have Been in Your Shoes a Few times, and I am still here.......