[Merlin]

I sent the following note to my pdoc. I haven't seen him in months and no-showed for my last appointment which was booked in late August. I phoned him and left a voicemail to let him know that I'd sent the email. I'd just like support while I wait for a response. I'm not sure when he will get back to work from Christmas holidays. The quoted text may be triggering.

Possible trigger:

I don’t deserve your help. I am not a good patient. I no-show to appointments and I’m non-adherent to treatment. I’ve stopped taking my meds, though I’m sure given my lack of appointment and prescriptions that’s obvious. I shouldn’t have no-showed. That was rude and disrespectful and if you didn’t want to treat me ever again, I would totally understand it. As for the meds, I don’t see the point of taking pills that don’t help. Now, I’ll admit I could be wrong about whether they have helped in the past or not, as I don’t have the data either way. I know I’ve thought that they were helping. The problem then is the relapse.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this life and I have no faith in my ability to change it. I’ll concede that this depressive episode will probably end, but I have no doubt that another and another and another will follow it. I’ll admit that I wish I lived in Belgium, not because I think that it’s such a wonderful country, but because it allows assisted suicide for mental illness. I know Canada is supposed to decide on the question sometime this year so I’m living until that happens. That’s probably more that living is the default and death by inaction is rather painful and would be prevented anyway. Nobody would let me starve to death. I’ve thought about actively ending my life. I’ve thought about (method removed), though I fear both the pain and the possibility of failure. I’ve thought about (method removed.) I worry about getting something other than what I ordered through the mail or finding myself facing drug importing charges. So, I’m waiting until the government decides.

I’m ruining my relationship with my parents. I know they love me and that will never change, but I would be surprised if they still liked me most of the time. I am a burden even though they’re willing to bear me. I am also a disappointment. Even when they try to lower their expectations, I fail to meet the basic standards. They should kick me out. It’s not unreasonable to expect me to get up by a certain time, or exercise, or go to work, but I don’t make myself. I won’t go so far as to say I’m unable to, but I can’t find the will to do so. I know that working and socializing more have helped in the past, though I can’t say I’ve given exercise enough of a trial to say either way. It makes absolutely no sense to do what I am doing or not do what I am not doing, but any delay between doing and enjoyment is enough to prevent me from doing it.

I don’t see the point in meds and therapy because I don’t change my behaviour and I don’t even know why I am writing this. That’s a lie, I’m writing this because I am hoping for something that will get me out of this depression without me having to put in any other effort. Is your magic wand working? I find myself thinking of ECT again, is there any way to prevent another mixed episode? Maybe just maybe if I can get out of this pit, I can do the work, maybe not, who knows. I don’t deserve your help or anyone else’s, but the consensus seems to be you need to deserve help anymore. If you want to help please give me a call at (number removed.) Maybe we can book an appointment on a day one of my parents isn’t working so I don’t chicken out and no-show again. If you want to charge a reasonable fee for my no-shows in the past, I understand. I can’t promise you adherence to medication or other behavioural changes so if you don’t want to help please reply to this email and tell me, just so I know.

Sounds like you've been through a lot, thought about and tried different treatments that you are unsure worked. I kind of know they only work for a while, in my experience. I'd love to not need them for sleep or to feel better.
I also missed 3 booked appts. this year, and I'm not sure whether he will refill my meds without seeing him, and then I will be going downhill fast.

I'm so sorry you feel like you can't live anymore. I've felt that way very much of the time, I hope you get to see him and get some help.

[Merlin]

I hope to see him, but I don't expect it to help much.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I sent the following note to my pdoc. I haven't seen him in months and no-showed for my last appointment which was booked in late August. I phoned him and left a voicemail to let him know that I'd sent the email. I'd just like support while I wait for a response. I'm not sure when he will get back to work from Christmas holidays. The quoted text may be triggering.

I don't know if this will help you, or not, but here goes. You might try to have a pet, like a small lap dog, or a cat. I have found that if I have my babies to take care of, it helps me to go on. I have 3 rescued dogs, and one other that my husband picked out from a litter. I have a very small male 4& 1/2 pound Chihuahua that I rescued from a puppy mill. He was off in a corner by himself almost dead. The moma dog wouldn't take care of him, he was the runt. As soon as I got him we took him to the vet, and he ended up getting a blood transfusion. He will be 7 in may, and he has 3 meds he has to have for the rest of his life. He also has trouble keeping his sugar at a good level. I don't know how many times we almost lost him because his sugar dropped to almost nothing. He has seizures, and trouble with his throat, and his lungs. But I will tell you this, when we took him I had to force feed him boiled and ground up chicken livers for about 3 weeks, and I had to teach him how to walk, because he had forgotten. when I am having trouble living, I look at him, and see how hard he fought through his life, just to live, and I try to rethink my life issues. He is a little fighter, and doesn't give up. His name is Jose, and he looks like a tiny Doberman, and to him there never is a stranger. Our 2nd rescue I almost hit on our local highway. Her name is Pixie Wiggles because when I brought her home she wandered all over our 6 acers, and her tail never stops waving. I mostly call her wiggle worm. She is a blond/light tan Chihuahua, and she has a few MI problems, but we accept her as she is. Our last rescue is a black lab mix puppy. We named him Jake. He started out in a kill shelter, then went to a foster, We had driven four hours to another state to rescue him. Our only chosen baby is a black, and tan Chihuahua, that looks like a miniature rottwilder, and she is about 1/2 her weight over weight. These are our babies, and we will take them to the vet, before we would go to the doc. Sometimes I believe if it wasn't for them I would no longer be here. Just a little thing to think about. My thoughts, and prayers go out to you.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I hope your pdoc gets back with you and gets you in for an appointment soon. Sending big hugs and positive vibes.

[Merlin]

I talked with my pdoc today and he’s not giving up on me. We talked about how I have a tough illness, bipolar in my case, though I post here because it’s mostly just depression. I still think it’s hopeless but we talked about trying ECT again. He’s going to contact the pdoc who did it for me last time at the University. Neither of us could remember the name. In my defence, my memory of that time is a little spotty. I don’t know what my pdoc’s excuse is, the guy was one of his residents. We decided that I would wait until my next appointment to restart meds. I’m going say that I’d prefer not to use the antipsychotics because of the weight gain and I’m vetoing Zyprexa specifically. I’m not sure about Lithium, I can’t take it without gagging, but I know that’s psychological rather than physiological.

Possible trigger:

I overdosed on it once and I’ve been gagging on it ever since.

That’s part of why I stopped taking my meds. I’m gagging on all meds these days though even Advil for headaches and I’ll make myself take those so I could probably force myself to take meds again even if it’s unpleasant. I think I will have to take some sort of med with the ECT because last time the ECT was working until it triggered a mixed episode and we discontinued it.

Possible trigger:

I told my pdoc I wasn’t going to kill myself at least until the decision on assisted suicide was made. He said he didn’t think it was that easy to get it for mental illness even in Belgium. I thought about proposing a deal with him: I promise to be adherent to treatment including meds, ECT, amd behavioural changes, if he promises to approve my assisted suicide if it becomes legal. I have no internal motivation right now, but maybe I could force myself to do the treatments if I knew that I had a painless way out if they didn’t work. If he really believes the treatments work, he should agree to that right, cause theoretically I wouldn’t want the assisted suicide anymore. Somehow I doubt he’ll agree, but maybe I’ll propose it anyway

My pdoc said he’ll find a time next week for an appointment for me though he wants to make his referral calls first.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I talked with my pdoc today and he’s not giving up on me. We talked about how I have a tough illness, bipolar in my case, though I post here because it’s mostly just depression. I still think it’s hopeless but we talked about trying ECT again. He’s going to contact the pdoc who did it for me last time at the University. Neither of us could remember the name. In my defence, my memory of that time is a little spotty. I don’t know what my pdoc’s excuse is, the guy was one of his residents. We decided that I would wait until my next appointment to restart meds. I’m going say that I’d prefer not to use the antipsychotics because of the weight gain and I’m vetoing Zyprexa specifically. I’m not sure about Lithium, I can’t take it without gagging, but I know that’s psychological rather than physiological.

Possible trigger:

I overdosed on it once and I’ve been gagging on it ever since.

That’s part of why I stopped taking my meds. I’m gagging on all meds these days though even Advil for headaches and I’ll make myself take those so I could probably force myself to take meds again even if it’s unpleasant. I think I will have to take some sort of med with the ECT because last time the ECT was working until it triggered a mixed episode and we discontinued it.

Possible trigger:

I told my pdoc I wasn’t going to kill myself at least until the decision on assisted suicide was made. He said he didn’t think it was that easy to get it for mental illness even in Belgium. I thought about proposing a deal with him: I promise to be adherent to treatment including meds, ECT, amd behavioural changes, if he promises to approve my assisted suicide if it becomes legal. I have no internal motivation right now, but maybe I could force myself to do the treatments if I knew that I had a painless way out if they didn’t work. If he really believes the treatments work, he should agree to that right, cause theoretically I wouldn’t want the assisted suicide anymore. Somehow I doubt he’ll agree, but maybe I’ll propose it anyway

My pdoc said he’ll find a time next week for an appointment for me though he wants to make his referral calls first.

+I hope you & your Pdoc can find something that will work for you. I know from personal experences that life is hard. Major depression is very hard. I fight with it every day. We don't have assisted suicide in the us. If a person talks about it for them selves, they are put into a psy ward for at least 72 hours. Each state calls it something different. I live in the state of Georgia, and they call it a 1013. If this happends to you here, you are sent to a mental hospital, and are on suicide watch 24/7. You aren't allowed into a regular room, you have to sit in like a TV room, so they can see you all the times, until you convince them that at least for that night, you will not hurt your self. I understand that people change there minds, and the problem that caused a person to consider this may change, so the medical field thinks that if something changes in that person's life, they may change there minds about suicide. From my knowlage this takes time. Most people want a quick fix, but that almost never happends with MI. We Must give things time to work, because what are our options if we don't? It all comes down to Life, or Death. Do you want to put all who love you through this, and know that once you are gone, that is permanent? Once you are gone, you can't talk with the people who love you, who you love, or ever total strangers, like me. Everything will be gone, and after awhile people will go on with there lives without you, and only bring your name up every now, and then. I ask you, who would be the one hurt the worst? (you!!!) I don't know if this will help you, but I hope it does make you think a little, I Have Been in Your Shoes a Few times, and I am still here.......