Feeling Guilty (Long)

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to bug you again, but I'm "stuck" and have nowhere to turn.

As mentioned in previous posts, I've been diagnosed with depression and GAD, but struggle to feel validated. Lately, that's been even harder since certain things have gotten better and certain things (i.e., school) ... haven't?

Now that I've switched to a different medication (Prozac), there are days when I feel fine-ish. Days when I can get out of bed, shower, that kind of thing. Days when I'm happy to write or hang out with friends. I live for those days. But they seem to be part of the problem.

Every time I feel "okay" I feel an immense amount of guilt. Like I don't deserve to be okay. Like I'm making the "bad" days up. No matter what my day is like, those thoughts linger in my mind. In fact, there've been times when I've contemplated suicide with the intent of ending my "frivolity." (Yes, really. )

I guess ... it's like I want to be depressed. I hate that about myself. When I'm not "blah" and semi-motivated, I'm miserable, not-functioning, self-deprecating, and exhausted - which isn't desirable! Those days, I'd give anything to "snap out of it."

Good and bad days aside, guilt's the only constant in my life right now. My self esteem is in the gutter, and my attitudes toward schoolwork and my future, in particular, suffer because of this. To illustrate, back in September, my psychiatrist told me to take a month off school (I'm homeschooled online), which turned into a semester, which turned into ... I don't know.

Yet the catch is that I've been taking an online (college-level) writing course, since writing is something I really enjoy. As time goes by, my parents have understandably become annoyed. In their opinion, if I'm "well enough" to take the course I'm taking, I'm "well enough" to take high school courses. I don't disagree.

Buuut ...

While I can't blame schoolwork for my depression, between the two, I'm struggling. Last May, I crashed and burned. I ended up finishing two classes in summer school, one of which was delayed thanks to a failed final exam (I had a panic attack and was hospitalized).

Now, I've had six months to finish that course, but I still haven't done it - in spite of the fact that all I have to do is finish some research and create a powerpoint. I've been working with a therapist to get this done, but I just. can't. will. myself. to. do. it. I am bored. I feel doomed to fail. And it's driving me crazy.

I mean, I'm excelling in a college-level class, but not bothering to submit a powerpoint. Plus, the only reason I'm doing well in said class is because I push myself to the extreme (I have writer's block) and am obsessed with the subject.

Which upsets me. Over the past year, I've given up everything I love: 4-H, drawing, horseback riding, pleasure reading (I just don't have the intelligence anymore). But the desire to write - and to join a creative writing class with the same teacher next year - for some reason, has stuck. It's what keeps me going.

Other than surviving, writing is the only thing I can bring myself to do. Sort of. "Creative" writing is a bust (I've written two proses in the past three months), and I hate every essay I write - no matter how good my teacher and my peers think it is.

To make matters worse, I vacillate between convincing myself that I'll one day become an English Major - to my parents' horror, I might add - and convincing myself that I'm a terrible writer/person who'll never succeed or graduate high school. Which, I guess, is true.

Either way ... I feel useless, stupid. It’s like I don’t want to get better. Using “depression” as an excuse.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore. My parents are frustrated with me; my high school teachers are frustrated with me; I'm frustrated with "me." Since I'm still writing and occasionally enjoying life, we're all, I think, questioning whether I'm depressed or a lazy ****. There's no reason for me to be interested in writing but nothing else. I don't deserve even that.

I'm feeling guilty, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I'm a whiner and a failure.

To anyone who reads this, thanks for taking the time to go through a jumbled mess. I'm more down and stupid than usual right now and can't think straight.

- Singin' In the Rain

You are capable and smart. It sounds like 'guilt' is making decisions for you and it makes you feel that you don't deserve success. You are not a failure. You are struggling to find your way. It's ok to not have it all figured out and others don't really know what is best for you. Be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself.

I hope things get better for you soon!

Thanks so much, Yzen. I’ve gone back to berating myself for posting (it’d seem feelings of “guilt” extend to my internet habits), so I really appreciate your kind words.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that academics are my only “real” problem, which frustrates the heck out of me! It seems so ... pathetic.

It also seems that I’m being judged from all sides, hence why I turned here. I seem to have put all my self-worth into what others think of me. To illustrate, if my teacher appreciates my work, I congratulate myself for not “failing,” for still “having what ‘it’ takes.” But if I speak up in class or feel that I’ve done something “wrong,” I beat myself up and tell myself I’m an awful student. It’s painful.

This habit has gotten in the way of my day-to-day activities and personal relationships, and understandably so. I’ve stopped wanting to talk to my friends because I’ve convinced myself I’m not “good” or “light-hearted” enough for them. (Though that, admittedly, might not be far from the truth? )

And lately, I’ve picked up riding, but only so as to work with my three-year-old colt. He’s always been difficult, so when things go well I applaud myself. However, when things don’t go well, I tell myself that I’m a failure and that I’m ruining this horse. The same goes for personal writing, and, well, everything.

My parents have also been exasperating the problem, which is part of why I joined this community in the first place. I feel that I can’t do anything “right” in their eyes. It hurts. For example, after I told him about my writer’s block, my teacher offered to give me some extra coaching; I was relieved, but my parents started questioning that. Basically blaming me for being “obsessed” and for not giving up, since that’s what I did with my other courses.

What contributed to this whole “feeling guilty” posting thing, though, is their accusations that I’m “milking [my depression]” and a “blob.” Not because I disbelieve them, but because that’s something I tell myself every. single. day. It’s painful. And it’s not helping.

It just seems that for every step forward I take two steps back. Now that I can get out of bed and function like a semi-normal human being, it’s a matter of “why can’t you do this?” and “why can’t you do that?”

I’ve also been accused of self-sabotaging, which stings, because that’s not the case at all. For instance, I went vegan six months ago for ethical reasons, and ever since then I’ve been told that I’m “trying to starve myself to death.” Yes, I have intense suicidal urges. Yes, I’ve lost weight. Yes, my eating habits currently aren’t the healthiest. Yet I’m annoyed, frankly, that people think I’m so stupid as to kill myself that way. Just ... argh!

But it doesn’t matter. In my parents’ eyes, and mine, I’m a screw-up. Plain and simple.

Anyway, I’m sorry for all this ranting. I really am grateful for your reply, Yzen, and I hope this doesn’t take away from that! Thank you so much.

- Singin’

I can relate to feeling 'judged'. I was told by my therapist that I am a people pleaser. I didn't like that label, but I do get so worried about judgment from family, coworkers, and almost everyone that I try to please them instead of doing what is right for me. I'm getting better about it now. I ask myself "Is this decision really serving me or is it serving someone else?".

With parents, it is tough. You want them to be proud of you, but they look at you through a lens of 'who they think you should be' instead of really seeing who you are. You need to be who you are or you get separated from your self. It's like you have to learn to recognize and accept you might feel guilty from disappointing others, but continue to pursue your way. You are Important!!

I can relate to your feelings a lot. Some days I will feel just fine...happy even. But then other days I feel just horrible. For me though when I have those good days sometimes I have trouble trusting them. Sometimes I also feel guilty about going to therapy...that I'm missing work, spending money and wasting the therapist's time. And the good days feel kind of weird. So I don't know if I actually *want* to feel bad, but it's almost like it is more comfortable sometimes.

But just because you have some good days doesn't mean that you don't really have depression. It doesn't mean that you are exaggerating or "milking" the bad days either. It means that you are having some good days and starting to come out of it, which is great. I also think though that because of those really bad days, which seem to be just lurking there, waiting, that you have to keep treating yourself gently...and keep working on your self-esteem, because that will protect you from those bad days in the future.

I'm sorry your parents don't seem more supportive. That makes it tougher.

I can relate similarly with you OP. I too struggle with low self esteem all my life I dislike when people tell you to snap out of it

Education is important in Life however I dislike the school system Prince EA notices the flawas in the school system