I really don't mind dying

Sorry you feel that way...

Please get some help for your obsession.

I don’t feel that way. I KNOW it’s that way

If that's what you believe.

You really could benefit from some professional help.

For every accusation my suffering grows deeper and darker, and my fate in humanity grows thinner
Pay heed, but if you do not listen and continue to accuse me, you’re only proving my point!

The only point I'm making is how concerning your behaviors toward this young woman are. Please get professional help.

I only want reconciliation for the sake of peace
What fate would humanity have if it continues to suffocate the pain of others and not be able to talk it out?
The next war will not be foreign. The next war will be from within

Globalism destroys countries and casts many people aside
What responsibility would a wilting plant have when it is not cared for and given love?
Another of humanity’s foolishness is to hurt whatever doesn’t work, rather than fixing it to make it better

Their wisdom is it actually works for them, but their foolishness is it doesn’t work for us

If you want peace, then distance yourself from her. That is the only logical solution.

No one is compassionate enough to give me the way out or help me in what I want to achieve. This is the true disguise of “help” and the continuing execution of suffering unto others

Vibrating Obsidian,

Let me pose a question. How is it that you want people to support you? One way would be to overlook what appears to be some distorted thinking on your part, and, in fact, indulge in this distorted thinking with you to help you further entrench you in a belief system that is only causing you pain.

The other way I see is to try and give you perspective on some distorted thinking you are presenting to us, so that you can grow, not repeat the same mistakes or patterns with women and relationships and find happiness.

The first way will feel validating and gratifying in the present, but will only encourage you to repeat current patterns. It is basically predicated on the idea that all of your problems are to be blamed on external factors - whether they are the fault of other people or situations.

The second way will be uncomfortable but it will help you be the person you want to be and have the relationship you want. And it will require that you look inward.

I feel you are seeing her through a very black and white lens. You put her on a pedestal as some kind of goddess in one minute and when she fails to meet your ideal, then she is a demon. To me, it seems like you objectify her as an ideal, instead of knowing her as herself, accepting her thoughts and actions for what they are, but instead trying to attribute what you want her to be instead of what she is. For example, you say that

You acknowledge that she is cold, yet you insist she was trying to reach out to you. What exactly was she doing to reach out to you?

Rejection hurts, and rejection after rejection hurts worse. You are young though and you will grow and learn, and meet a woman who is worthy of your love and idolatry.

Do you see a therapist? I think a therapist is the only person who is going to be able to help you, as they will be able to see the whole picture, which we cannot see as we only catch fragments in one post to another.

Seesaw

I am trying to see a therapist but I see bad signs after another, like burning charcoals I am not willing to tolerate
I am not ready for a relationship after what I’ve been through, despite how much I cherish them
Happiness no longer a goal. All I see of reality is suffering and destruction
To be happy means, “I will smile despite people wounding me”
I want to triumpth among that chaos, to destroy what destroys others

Thanks for the more tolerant response. You are right about therapy, but I am having difficulties finding one. I looked one after another and the signs are always there

I'm glad you are looking for help. Keep looking and trying. Sometimes working with a T who doesn't feel like quite the best fit works well, because the reason you feel uncomfortable is because they push you out of your comfort zone.

I get the impression that you are really experiencing a sort of existential dilemma about the nature of happiness, etc. Let me say, while deep thought takes intelligence, it also promotes unhappiness, lol. You know they say ignorance is bliss.

So, forgive me this, but if you are intent upon employing these philosophical internal struggles in your everyday life, you will experience a lot of daily unhappiness. Have you done any reading on existentialism? The existential dilemma?

I'm not saying to give up on complex thought and philosophy, but maybe to accept too or learn how to live with the fact that this kind of introspection and contemplation lends itself to depression and unhappiness?

I actually seek to act as much as possible, like when I wanted to talk to my crush instead of holding it all inside. Wanted to sort a relationship out. A relationship, despite the complexity, I somewhat valued. Instead I got some advice against me like “you can’t make a person love you”. Shame on those who think I was “making” someone love me

The problem from my side however is I feared doing this because of how I was hurt in the past because of that relationship
I wanted to do it, I wanted to understand her. Even one therapist said we seem to have a pretty good relationship. One time I got a good gut feelings when near her, at times. Another time I felt attacked though, because of a mild ethnic clash.

So I am not obsessed. I hold a high value to a relationship by nature, that’s the way I am
Despite my ASD which can cause some “sign holes”, I can pick on many other signs if the crush is right

Opening up here was a BIG mistake, I only became much more disordered than before, thanks to Artchic for example, so much for helping

I’m on the brick of dying, have eating issues and even dehydration issues
No one cares about that. My friends are no longer friends because they don’t care about me
I WANT TO ****ING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer - if I get hospitalized, my life is gone, and I’ll make sure to dig that grave on my own if that happens
Sensing me to hospitalization is a sign of disrespect to the fact that medications destroy you on the long term and cause more misery than an improved life which has been rotten away by people who have not been sued and disciplined for their destructive behaviors towards other people like me which are left in eternal ruins

I don't know who you are, but you seem smart... I don't know exactly what is the situation. But I think that there are more solutions to a singol problem. It'a hard, but we all have to find them.
(I don't know exactly the situation also because I'm Italian, and I'm not sure I understand perfectly)

If I seem smart then I must have smart reasons to die, right?

That’s a common interpretation in suicide hotlines - “You are intelligent” = “You are not worthy of dying”. So they express disagreement in your thoughts of dying so contradicting their assumption that you are smart (actually calling you an idiot for diagreeing all of a sudden), and also by saying so, they are saying dumb people are worthy of dying

“There is still hope!” = “Yes, keep looking for it in the hot desert while you stay away from our pristine life where we don’t want to be filthied by your ill mind!”

I want to rant and rant because I want to DIE!
I want people to understand there is no hope for me instead of believing in deceptions and lies!

In one of my last threads I wrote that I am never intending on suicide
That is not true when there is no purpose to life, no strength above those who choose to hurt and deceive us
My family doesn’t care. Friends no longer want to talk to me and become passive-aggressive