[Nike007]

I just feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I feel like I’m just garbage. I feel messed up.

I had an exam today but I didn’t really study for because I just didn’t care. I have been lacking motivation to do things, and so I haven’t done much school work. Better than before. I wasn’t stressed about not passing. I didn’t care how I did. I just want to be done. I feel like I need a break from life.

I feel not good enough for anyone or anything. I pay money for school and don’t care. There’s only a week left, and one exam for me, and I’m done until summer school. And I’m upset that I don’t care.

This is literally all over the map. I just feel like I have so many physical and mental problems that I’m just messed up. And I feel like I don’t have a right to complain because they aren’t “that bad”. I’m not dying. I am not suicidal. I just hate how I am right now.

[surfzulu]

Try natural Maca root powder or capsules to improve your mood. Non-Prescription. Has helped my depression immensely. Adjust accordingly, too much energy, too little sleep or mania dial it back to less than a tsp a day of the powder. Still feeling down use more. We all have individual reactions so regulate and be aware of your behaviors and adjust accordingly. Trader Joes has the organic powder very cheap if there is one by you. Great for increasing libido as well. Blessings things will change usually for the better at least for awhile they did for me. I am 47 and been in some dark Psychosis holes. But severe depression has been my constant until maca and lithium.

[surfzulu]

I see you are in Canada. If you want to try the Maca a company in New york sells on the net. Good prices on everything. PipingRock.com

[SeekerSeeking]

Nike007,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way--I know it is hard.

Let me just say a few things...first, something, important I learned as I was journeying out of feeling like you are--is that 'feelings lie.'

They do. And yours are lying to you--because you do matter and you are not garbage. As for messed up--who isn't. It's not the fact that we are messed up--it's about working to become whole. I started that journey with a therapist, years ago--and he helped me see all this. I couldn't see what I didn't know, and I'd learned all kinds of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.

Sounds like you are burned out at school right now. I understand that. With one week left, just do the best you can and then dedicate the summer to becoming healthier.

Oh, and you DO have a right to complain--you pain is real, and your 10 in pain is your 10 in pain, mine might be different, but that doesn't negate yours. Don't compare yourself to others--we are each unique within ourselves.

Sounds like you beat yourself up a lot. That would be something to work on after this term of school. Learning to stop the inner abusive dialogue will change your world.

Know you are worthy of health and well being. Know you are entitled to your feelings. I wish you love and light.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Nike007 ))))))

I understand you have been dealing with a lot. Allow yourself a break without being judgmental of yourself.

You have every right to feel down and to express yourself.


WC

[Shazerac]

Hope you make it through exams and have some time to chill out take care of yourself

[Nike007]

Thanks everyone. I just... don’t know. I see my pdoc in an hour approximately, and I feel I’ll just be honest more so. I was honest before, as I’m a terrible liar (autism), but I haven’t been telling the whole truth. I shower once a week now. I say I have sleep issues, and now it’s at the point where if I don’t take my sleep meds, I’m up the entire night. I didn’t sleep last night at all. I’ve been up for 23 hours at the moment. And this has been happening more and more often. I don’t clean my apartment when it needs it. Maybe once a month, if I’m lucky. My roommate’s a slob; that hasn’t changed at all though, but now when I don’t sleep it gets real messy. As in the bathroom floor layered with hair. I eat once a day now, and I eat junk food (nothing new). I’m suppose to do a bunch of adult things and I haven’t. Haven’t done taxes. Haven’t book doctor appointments I need. I don’t care about anything, and lie in bed looking at the ceiling. I sat on the shower floor for half an hour doing nothing but think. And I couldn’t get the bath mat down properly nor close the curtains fully, as one side closed would mean the other would open. And I just think of all the crappy people I’ve met, and some of which I will have to move back into again since school is practically done and rent’s expensive. I’m broke, don’t feel love from people, am lonely. This isn’t new though. But my self care sucks and I’ve been assaulted and thought I finally had a friend but when I went over to help her, and when I then became in a bad space, and she knew, she ignored it all. I don’t feel like a friend anymore. And the other friend I had is now dating someone and doesn’t want to hang with me anymore. I’m an outcast. And people say things get better and I wonder when because things have been worse since the start of my life. So I just want relieve, and feel frustrated, and things still feel like a hell hole. Maybe I’m just tired now, although I haven’t felt it. I guess my life matters to basically no one it feels like.

[Wild Coyote]

Yes, tell the whole truth.

let us know how your appointment goes.


WC

[SeekerSeeking]

You know Queen Elizabeth I took a bath once a month. Today, we are obsessed with bathing--look at the plethora of perfumes, razors, soaps, and shampoos out there.

I'm really saying--don't judge yourself so harshly.
I would imagine much of this is because you are sleep-debited.
All the things you listed that you have not done, merely become a 'to-do' list. Do one a day. Maybe get a life coach to become 'accountable.'

You already know that eating junk food isn't helping...

As for the friend who didn't respond to you being down--sometimes people don't know how to respond. Or it scares them because it reminds them of how they have felt at times; that friends lack of response was all about that person, and not you.

Please come back and let us know how you are--I am sending you healing light.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Yes, tell the whole truth.


let us know how your appointment goes.




WC

The appointment was fine. Cried for like 30 mins. I couldn’t even look at my Pdoc. She knows, of course, I have autism so she didn’t make any comment on that. I was stuttering a lot. An anxious stutter.

I just get told the same thing all the time; that I’m strong and everything takes time. I know all these things. I do my best to thank people who are complimenting me. I would never do that before since I wouldn’t agree with what they’re saying.

Anyways, life sucks. I have no people. Probably be in bed all day.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry it is such a struggle.

I do understand, at least to some degree.
It's a beautiful sunny day here. I have the windows and doors open, etc., but still struggling with staying active. I want to check-out by watching a movie or something. Yet, I have things I must get done. I am super anxious today. I am forcing myself to go to a concert tonight. I have to because I have invited others to go, too! Today, I wish I had not done so.

Please take care and keep posting if it helps!


WC

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by SeekerSeeking

You know Queen Elizabeth I took a bath once a month. Today, we are obsessed with bathing--look at the plethora of perfumes, razors, soaps, and shampoos out there.

I'm really saying--don't judge yourself so harshly.
I would imagine much of this is because you are sleep-debited.
All the things you listed that you have not done, merely become a 'to-do' list. Do one a day. Maybe get a life coach to become 'accountable.'

You already know that eating junk food isn't helping...

As for the friend who didn't respond to you being down--sometimes people don't know how to respond. Or it scares them because it reminds them of how they have felt at times; that friends lack of response was all about that person, and not you.

Please come back and let us know how you are--I am sending you healing light.

For me, it’s just that I have really oily hair and get really bad dandruff if I don’t shower every 3 days at the latest. I would prefer every other day. No showering makes my mental health worse, as I pick my scalp until it bleeds, and always check for dandruff spots on my head. And my hair is really oily and don’t like that, as it makes my pimples worse.

I wish I had money for a life coach. I think it would help. I’m in school. I currently don’t have any debt but I will.

This friend I mentioned helped me make a plan for when I SH and what to do and for me to do things that would actually work. She has her own mental health struggles and is doing a day treatment program at a hospital to help her. Maybe it was just that.

Thank you for your response.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry it is such a struggle.


I do understand, at least to some degree.

It's a beautiful sunny day here. I have the windows and doors open, etc., but still struggling with staying active. I want to check-out by watching a movie or something. Yet, I have things I must get done. I am super anxious today. I am forcing myself to go to a concert tonight. I have to because I have invited others to go, too! Today, I wish I had not done so.


Please take care and keep posting if it helps!




WC

It’s good that you did go out. My pdoc told me that depression wants you to do nothing (I did know this before though), and by actually doing something you are resisting it. That is a good thing. It may suck at first, but hopefully the concert is good and you enjoy yourself with your friends.

Thank you. I have been doing my best.

[Wild Coyote]

Yes, I went to the concert! With friends! It was fantastic!

So we have to go out a bit beyond our initial comfort zone sometimes.

Do you have an option to do a day program or an Intensive Outpatient Program, like your friend is involved in? I have seen people get so much help from these types of programs.

I hope you are having a better day when you read this.


WC

[SeekerSeeking]

Glad it went well--somethings are worth repeating...we area all growing at different rates. Rest well...

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Yes, I went to the concert! With friends! It was fantastic!


So we have to go out a bit beyond our initial comfort zone sometimes.


Do you have an option to do a day program or an Intensive Outpatient Program, like your friend is involved in? I have seen people get so much help from these types of programs.


I hope you are having a better day when you read this.




WC

That’s good. I’m glad it went well

I know. It’s hard but I know.

I don’t have this option. Not with my family situation and my life situation. I am unsure if I wish I did but I think that maybe it would help. My pdoc and psychologist didn’t say anything about this. I see my psych once a week. It helps.

I’m currently feeling like crap though. I feel like I want to cry but have no energy or emotions to do so.

Thank you.