[MtnTime2896]

I'm done. I'm done feeling like this, I'm done thinking there's only one way out. I don't accept that, damn it! I'm not ****ing doomed. Just because there's no cure for me, doesn't mean I can't be content in my life. Content isn't where I'm going settle, I plan on striving for actual happiness. Until then, I just have to climb the ladder out of misery.

I've always believed that I'm an evil person, without a shadow of a doubt. There are things I've done that I can never take back, but there also things I've done as a result of others. I've always put all of the blame entirely on my shoulders because I can't allow myself to believe that others have hurt me. But you know what? People have hurt me, whatever the excuse was, they still ****ing hurt me.

"Life can be a mean drunk that way, never knows when to stop punching" -Agents of Shield. And I didn't always deserve it. I didn't always "have it coming". That's ********. How does a toddler have it ****ing coming? How does an eight year old? How does an adolescent never get anything right and is expected to know everything, and called "stupid" and "retarded" when they don't? How is my illness cause for people to abandon me? SCREW. THAT.

No, I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I'm not evil like the voices tell me, like those people used to tell me all of the time. I want to be able to look in the mirror without disgust. I want to be alone in a house and be okay with that because I don't mind my own company. I want to be free from "My Beautiful Gaol". I think I've paid for my sins, I think I've served my sentence. Now, I just want a life, a real life, one that will have trials and tribulations but be worth every second. It's time to give a **** about me. It's time I put myself first. I deserve this chance. I have a right to be happy with myself.

There it is. I'm going to get the help I need to get a handle on this **** in my head. After that, I'm going back to school and getting my degrees. I'm going to be the person I want to be. Last night was the last time someone tells me I'm not good enough and I let it consume me. From now on, I'm the only damn opinion that matters to me in regards to my worth.

[Skeezyks]

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

This brought a lump to my throat, So.

Very inspiring.

We don't have to be perfect. We just have to give ourselves a break, and live.

[raf_edd]

Great, very positive. I just hope it's not a symptom of a breakdown, think about short term goals first brother. Don't get tangled in the web. You have a lot of energy right now, release it! It's healthy. But always be aware of what might come. Don't want to sound negative, I only want the best for you. But with me every time I'm very happy and excited for a long term plan. I can't control it and it triggers me depression. Carry on, don't look back at what others might have done. You're not a bad person, you did some ****? Lol it's nothing man, just your mind playing tricks.
Bless you

[besmith818]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm done. I'm done feeling like this, I'm done thinking there's only one way out. I don't accept that, damn it! I'm not ****ing doomed. Just because there's no cure for me, doesn't mean I can't be content in my life. Content isn't where I'm going settle, I plan on striving for actual happiness. Until then, I just have to climb the ladder out of misery.

I've always believed that I'm an evil person, without a shadow of a doubt. There are things I've done that I can never take back, but there also things I've done as a result of others. I've always put all of the blame entirely on my shoulders because I can't allow myself to believe that others have hurt me. But you know what? People have hurt me, whatever the excuse was, they still ****ing hurt me.

"Life can be a mean drunk that way, never knows when to stop punching" -Agents of Shield. And I didn't always deserve it. I didn't always "have it coming". That's ********. How does a toddler have it ****ing coming? How does an eight year old? How does an adolescent never get anything right and is expected to know everything, and called "stupid" and "retarded" when they don't? How is my illness cause for people to abandon me? SCREW. THAT.

No, I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I'm not evil like the voices tell me, like those people used to tell me all of the time. I want to be able to look in the mirror without disgust. I want to be alone in a house and be okay with that because I don't mind my own company. I want to be free from "My Beautiful Gaol". I think I've paid for my sins, I think I've served my sentence. Now, I just want a life, a real life, one that will have trials and tribulations but be worth every second. It's time to give a **** about me. It's time I put myself first. I deserve this chance. I have a right to be happy with myself.

There it is. I'm going to get the help I need to get a handle on this **** in my head. After that, I'm going back to school and getting my degrees. I'm going to be the person I want to be. Last night was the last time someone tells me I'm not good enough and I let it consume me. From now on, I'm the only damn opinion that matters to me in regards to my worth.

This is so good to hear! I obviously don't know about your history, but just reading this post makes me smile for you. I can relate to a lot of this. It hurts to be told you're not good. The awful feeling lasts. I am glad you're feeling ready to move forward!

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by raf_edd

Great, very positive. I just hope it's not a symptom of a breakdown, think about short term goals first brother. Don't get tangled in the web. You have a lot of energy right now, release it! It's healthy. But always be aware of what might come. Don't want to sound negative, I only want the best for you. But with me every time I'm very happy and excited for a long term plan. I can't control it and it triggers me depression. Carry on, don't look back at what others might have done. You're not a bad person, you did some ****? Lol it's nothing man, just your mind playing tricks.
Bless you

Not gonna lie, I've gotten more "positive" every time I've had a full breakdown. My hallucinations are pretty constant today and I had more nightmares last night. I'd like to think I'm flipping these creatures and voices off by not doing what they want. They want me to die and I do, too, but I have this quote in my head right now and I keep saying it to myself, "Maybe I'm just falling to get somewhere they won't" -Mike Shinoda, 'Watching As I Fall'. I've been falling for a long time now and I still am. For the first time in a long time, I actually want to catch myself. I'm at this point where I can either let this kill me or I can let this kill a part of me and learn to live. I still have my T on speed dial and friends who are ready to take me into the hospital at a moment's notice. I know I can't trust my brain right now, so I'm reality checking with them. I'm doing all of this until I can get into a facility (hopefully I can) because I really don't want to be completely delusional again. I don't know how I survived last time.

[raf_edd]

I see, sorry I didn't have much info on your state brother, yes! Keep that positivity flowing until you get admitted to the facility. At any sign of depression call a friend, trust me that's what I do it's not a burden. I lived with the voices for years arguing back and forth not wanting to let me sleep. Now my delusions shifted to people in real life talking about me. normally they kind of got in control, they are part of me, instead of having a argument with the voices, i interorize them as me. Kind of a alter ego. Just shared this so you can feel better. There is treatment, medication and therapy to help us. Stick around, post, or just youtube music. Hope you feel relaxed. Oh and use that energy to good use.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Not gonna lie, I've gotten more "positive" every time I've had a full breakdown. My hallucinations are pretty constant today and I had more nightmares last night. I'd like to think I'm flipping these creatures and voices off by not doing what they want. They want me to die and I do, too, but I have this quote in my head right now and I keep saying it to myself, "Maybe I'm just falling to get somewhere they won't" -Mike Shinoda, 'Watching As I Fall'. I've been falling for a long time now and I still am. For the first time in a long time, I actually want to catch myself. I'm at this point where I can either let this kill me or I can let this kill a part of me and learn to live. I still have my T on speed dial and friends who are ready to take me into the hospital at a moment's notice. I know I can't trust my brain right now, so I'm reality checking with them. I'm doing all of this until I can get into a facility (hopefully I can) because I really don't want to be completely delusional again. I don't know how I survived last time.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by raf_edd

I see, sorry I didn't have much info on your state brother, yes! Keep that positivity flowing until you get admitted to the facility. At any sign of depression call a friend, trust me that's what I do it's not a burden. I lived with the voices for years arguing back and forth not wanting to let me sleep. Now my delusions shifted to people in real life talking about me. normally they kind of got in control, they are part of me, instead of having a argument with the voices, i interorize them as me. Kind of a alter ego. Just shared this so you can feel better. There is treatment, medication and therapy to help us. Stick around, post, or just youtube music. Hope you feel relaxed. Oh and use that energy to good use.

That's some good advice, I'll try to apply it to my situation. Maybe there will be some peace if I stop seeing them as anything other than myself. Appreciate it, friend.

[raf_edd]

You're welcome bro, wish you a great recovery.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

That's some good advice, I'll try to apply it to my situation. Maybe there will be some peace if I stop seeing them as anything other than myself. Appreciate it, friend.

[Candy1955]

So, yea! you are 100% correct!

[Fuzzybear]

[mote.of.soul]

Aw, good on you Só leigheas, it's so good to hear that, and feel it too. The power has come back into your soul! Yes, your opinion is the only one that matters, yes! Fk everyone else! Aw, good on you Só leigheas ((((Hugs!!))))