[fallaximago]

I keep drifting in a sea of apathy, unhealthy eating and smoking. Oh god, I just wish I could find something I could like and turn into an interesting job.

[ptangptang]

For me apathy has been the most destructive part of depression as it can lead to so many other things. Unhealthy eating is easy to address so start there. Smoking less so ( and i've never smoked) but people give up all the time. Start getting into positive habits and gradually tick off all those self sabotaging things you do that stop you leading the life you want. Feeling good about yourself is the first step to getting out of depression imo.

[fallaximago]

Originally Posted by ptangptang

For me apathy has been the most destructive part of depression as it can lead to so many other things. Unhealthy eating is easy to address so start there. Smoking less so ( and i've never smoked) but people give up all the time. Start getting into positive habits and gradually tick off all those self sabotaging things you do that stop you leading the life you want. Feeling good about yourself is the first step to getting out of depression imo.

Thank you! I really need a schedule. I believe I'll start tackling both overeating and smoking. I'll try eating less and better and cutting back on cigarettes.

my day has been quite boring, with the only exciting part (or semi excting part), watching muppet's christmas carol

I love that movie

still... just feel blah

not really sure why- just my life sucks I guess

[Rose76]

I'm tired and sleepy. It was a long day.

Now if I can just fall asleep . . . and stay asleep . . . for a reasonable length of time.

A pretty good day at work today. It's a four-day work week. Next week will be a three day work week. Just love it!

This morning at work, I moved the chairs around in the auditorium to neaten it up. A couple of hours after that, I felt lower back pain just like last week. When I got home, it felt a little bit worse. I was going to work out but decided not to. I felt bummed out about it. At least I went to the pool area and it helped me to feel better. I'll try to work out tomorrow. I'd rather had done it today and Friday instead of Wednesday and Friday.

Too much going on at once. I had dental work too yesterday and my face is all puffy and my jaw sore. I felt I had to have a few cigs this morning although I was cautioned about dry socket. Financing issues. Life can be such a struggle but I have hope for that light and to change myself as much as possible for the better.

[Sunflower123]

I seem to have turned a corner. I’m working out and socializing again and I’m interested in things so those are good indicators.

We have a thanksgiving meal at church tonight and that’s got me thinking about the holiday. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been researching vegetarian dishes to surprise my daughter with. It will be nice to have her home.

Warm wishes to all.

[Deilla]

Had a busy day. Wasn't able to relax much. I did get a nap in so that was good. Will try to relax tomorrow.

It took my full dose of meds to give me a decent sleep last night. In pain but otherwise depression is at bay for now.

[Sunflower123]

I drove home in rush hour traffic because PT ran late. It made me nostalgic for my days as a CPA/MBA in corporate America. I even miss the 60-80 hour work weeks during tax season. I plan to go back part time sooner rather then later (hopefully).

I’ve been without my Xanax ER for about six days and I took 2 a few hours ago to get it back in my system. Pleasantly zen and relaxed right now.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that need them.

[Deilla]

Had a good day. Saw my med provider and picked up meds. Relaxed with some online games and a few of my hobbies. Took a couple of naps. Might stay up late and play more games. I have no where to go tomorrow.

[Rose76]

My stew came out good. I still have piles of paperwork to sort out and address. I need to learn some skills for keeping organized.

I'm continually behind in bureaucratic things I need to do . . . paperwork stuff. It is my biggest problem. This creates too much stress. I need a better system.

[fallaximago]

I gotta go to the bank once again today and I can't even bear the thought of having to take a shower. I must, though, so I'll do it.

once again circumstances have got in the way of things... today I was actually meant to go to town to see the switching on of the christmas lights

but it's not happening, and honestly, not sure much is.

apart from having a gross shower this morning, I'm just sat here listening to music- and that's how it will probably remain for the day

[Rose76]

I am barely keeping up with things. The apartment is messy. I have the option of getting "respite" for caregivers. Both the VA and Medicaid would pay for my boyfriend to spend a week to a month in a nursing home, so I could take a break. Arranging that would take effort on my part. Then I might get him back in worse shape.

In May, the doctors told me he had only weeks left to live. It seemed I could hang in here for what little time he has left. I never dreamed this would go on and on so long. At times, I think: "Will this ever end?" That sounds terrible.
At times, I am grief-stricken over knowing he is getting closer to the end.

In a way, I'm a victim of my own success. Last week, a doctor at the VA told him he would never have survived this long, except for me making sure he got appropriate treatment for every problem he has developed. Emergency room doctors, back in February, even told me to stop bringing him to the E.R. They said he should be on "hospice" and then be wouldn't need to come to the E.D. They discouraged us from getting treatment for cancer. He wanted the treatment and is doing amazingly well on it.

I am into my 7th year of caregiving. Since 2014, it's been pretty much full-time. Fate us so cruel. I don't deserve to have to drop him off at some dump of a Medicaid funded nursing home. I shouldn't have to choose between what's good for him and what's good for me. But that's how life is sometimes. Two years ago, when I took him out of a nursing facility where he went for rehab, I told staff there that my hope was for him to slip away peacefully at home where he wants to be. If life was fair, I've earned that. But life is not fair, as any mature person knows. Helping him to be in the best of circumstances is draining and draining me. It shouldn't be going on and on like this.

Now I have to get him and me ready for an appointment this afternoon at the VA. He has signs if an infected big toe. We go from problem to problem to problem.

I know people cope with worse. I think of parents of special needs kids. They spend decades doing this. I know no one is forcing me to do this. He would be heartbroken, if I stopped. I would be heartbroken.

[88Butterfly88]

A friend was depressed yesterday and I went down with them. I tried not to make it show in front of them because I want to be a good friend but I couldn't help feel this way since my life is still out of order.

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am barely keeping up with things. The apartment is messy. I have the option of getting "respite" for caregivers. Both the VA and Medicaid would pay for my boyfriend to spend a week to a month in a nursing home, so I could take a break. Arranging that would take effort on my part. Then I might get him back in worse shape.

In May, the doctors told me he had only weeks left to live. It seemed I could hang in here for what little time he has left. I never dreamed this would go on and on so long. At times, I think: "Will this ever end?" That sounds terrible.
At times, I am grief-stricken over knowing he is getting closer to the end.

In a way, I'm a victim of my own success. Last week, a doctor at the VA told him he would never have survived this long, except for me making sure he got appropriate treatment for every problem he has developed. Emergency room doctors, back in February, even told me to stop bringing him to the E.R. They said he should be on "hospice" and then be wouldn't need to come to the E.D. They discouraged us from getting treatment for cancer. He wanted the treatment and is doing amazingly well on it.

I am into my 7th year of caregiving. Since 2014, it's been pretty much full-time. Fate us so cruel. I don't deserve to have to drop him off at some dump of a Medicaid funded nursing home. I shouldn't have to choose between what's good for him and what's good for me. But that's how life is sometimes. Two years ago, when I took him out of a nursing facility where he went for rehab, I told staff there that my hope was for him to slip away peacefully at home where he wants to be. If life was fair, I've earned that. But life is not fair, as any mature person knows. Helping him to be in the best of circumstances is draining and draining me. It shouldn't be going on and on like this.

Now I have to get him and me ready for an appointment this afternoon at the VA. He has signs if an infected big toe. We go from problem to problem to problem.

I know people cope with worse. I think of parents of special needs kids. They spend decades doing this. I know no one is forcing me to do this. He would be heartbroken, if I stopped. I would be heartbroken.

Rose, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds awful. You have a good heart for taking care of him so well. A lot of people would just walk away. And maybe other people have it worse, but that doesn't mean you're not going through a lot. My Mom once told me that at least I don't have cancer. That was not helpful at all.

It wasn't a busy day today at work, but the busyness came in spurts a couple of times. One spurt was at the end of the day. I would have preferred the spurts to happen in the morning. I got an email from my manager today that we are to go over a procedure that I was supposed to do with purchase order. I forgot to fill it out when I made a service call a few weeks ago when the maintenance man was out at that time. And he's out now again. I really hate it when he's gone. It got me depressed that I made the mistake.

Worked out after work and it went well. Went to the pool area and there was a family there. The father had reminded me that he had seen me there about five years ago. I had totally forgotten about them. They were OK but I would have preferred not to see them. The woman asked me what will I be doing on Thanksgiving. I don't feel comfortable being asked that.

I talked to my friend tonight. He asked me if I wanted to be with him, his wife, and a guy who had lived with them for a few months last year. I have never met that guy. I wanted to pass on that one. For many years I have cooked a meal for myself. This year I plan to just get a take-out. I'm tired of making a Thanksgiving meal just for myself. I'm feeling depressed about Thanksgiving.

[Rose76]

My s.o. ended up having to get surgery on his toe. This was upsetting to both of us, though I was worse. With dinner, I had a second glass of wine. It has made me feel sick. Now I can't sleep.

Is it any surprise that things are not only no better but worse than ever?

[ptangptang]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am barely keeping up with things. The apartment is messy. I have the option of getting "respite" for caregivers. Both the VA and Medicaid would pay for my boyfriend to spend a week to a month in a nursing home, so I could take a break. Arranging that would take effort on my part. Then I might get him back in worse shape.

In May, the doctors told me he had only weeks left to live. It seemed I could hang in here for what little time he has left. I never dreamed this would go on and on so long. At times, I think: "Will this ever end?" That sounds terrible.
At times, I am grief-stricken over knowing he is getting closer to the end.

In a way, I'm a victim of my own success. Last week, a doctor at the VA told him he would never have survived this long, except for me making sure he got appropriate treatment for every problem he has developed. Emergency room doctors, back in February, even told me to stop bringing him to the E.R. They said he should be on "hospice" and then be wouldn't need to come to the E.D. They discouraged us from getting treatment for cancer. He wanted the treatment and is doing amazingly well on it.

I am into my 7th year of caregiving. Since 2014, it's been pretty much full-time. Fate us so cruel. I don't deserve to have to drop him off at some dump of a Medicaid funded nursing home. I shouldn't have to choose between what's good for him and what's good for me. But that's how life is sometimes. Two years ago, when I took him out of a nursing facility where he went for rehab, I told staff there that my hope was for him to slip away peacefully at home where he wants to be. If life was fair, I've earned that. But life is not fair, as any mature person knows. Helping him to be in the best of circumstances is draining and draining me. It shouldn't be going on and on like this.

Now I have to get him and me ready for an appointment this afternoon at the VA. He has signs if an infected big toe. We go from problem to problem to problem.

I know people cope with worse. I think of parents of special needs kids. They spend decades doing this. I know no one is forcing me to do this. He would be heartbroken, if I stopped. I would be heartbroken.

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation .Rose. I spent 7 years looking after my mum ( she had dementia) until she died in 2007 so i know how hard it is. It didn't do my mental state any good , that's for sure. The phrase 'All things must pass' is apt and it will and you will look back at this and can be proud of yourself for caring so much.
Respite is a hard thing to advise on. Mum always came
back worse from respite and i felt guilty for putting her through it. I still do. But only you know how frazzled you feel. sometimes you just have to let go and recharge your batteries . Either way it's not easy.
We are ,on average living longer but what is the point if all they do is prolong peoples lives without them having a decent quality of life. There may come a point where you think , i can't do this anymore. But you will know that you did all you could for him, but ultimately you have to think of yourself as well. Good luck

I've decided to give up on the sisterhood book (I was enjoying it, sure), but the plots were getting a tiny bit confusing- and it was getting a little long, so I'm reading something simpler now.. I'm reading cut off, about a woman who loses her phone in a cafe (it is something I can cope with for the moment)

yesterday, where I live, it was the switching on of the christmas lights, so that meant their was a lot of fireworks (I say a lot of fireworks, it was a short display), but more than I've ever had to deal with. I handled it pretty well, and I even walked to my window to watch some of them (this is coming from the woman who gets triggered a lot by fireworks), so I think of that as a win- I watched some fireworks in the sky.

started my new book.. only read a chapter but I want to read more later (just here briefly to update the threads I want to)
I''m feeling good, and tonight I'm having a pizza takeaway so even better (my only takeaway this week)

of course the downside is the lacck of sleep, but is it?

barely affecting me so I guess not

Originally Posted by Heartlight

Is it any surprise that things are not only no better but worse than ever?

I guess that's just the way of the world, I suppose.

[Mountaindewed]

I am definitely feeling the depression today and it’s definitely SAD. I miss the warm sun and I want to be at the lake in 90 degree weather. It’s currently 32 and snowy where I am. I might bring out the light box today.