As someone with a chronic depressive illness, I sometimes find that I can't get my sad feelings or physical symptoms taken seriously when they have other causes. It tends to be assumed (even by medical personnel) that it's "only" the depression.

Sometimes I feel that I can't get my needs met unless I'm in crisis. Way back in July, shortly after I first moved here, I went to a local mental health clinic to initiate treatment. I got put on a waiting list and haven't heard anything since. Until last night, that is, when I got fed up with a current situation and called a crisis counselor. It turns out that the mental health system here has been undergoing some major structual changes. Whatever the cause, while the deck of cards was being shuffled, the card with me on it got dropped under the table and forgotten. Story of my life. If something like that is going to happen, chances are I'm the one it happens to.

This is not the only piece of anecdotal evidence I have. I *cannot* calmly and simply say, "I need X, please," and expect to receive it within a reasonable amount of time. It is not until I am in crisis that my needs get met. Sometimes with an apology as I got from the mental health system here, but other times with, "All right, here's what you need. God, you're a b**ch. Why couldn't you just ask nice?" Um, because you didn't respond the fourteen times when I did?

Other times I feel that even being in crisis isn't always enough. Has anyone ever felt like this? No matter how badly I need help, there's always someone who needs it worse than I do and is going to take precedence. I could be in a car accident and break both of my legs, and I guarantee you that someone else will be in the same accident and *sever* a leg, so I'll just have to wait while they take care of the other person first.

I often get criticized for being selfish, or feeling sorry for myself. If nobody else is going to give a half-eaten rat's behind about me, is there anything wrong with me filling in that gap myself?

But I don't think I'm entirely selfish. I wonder if, and this isn't as bad as it sounds, my function in life might be for bad things to happen to. I'm the test model. Just like parents make their mistakes on the oldest kid (which I was) and correct them on the younger ones. Just like child abuse laws that are in place now were NOT in place when those things were happening to me. I exist so that bad things can happen to me, then people look at what happened and think, "That's bad. It shouldn't have happened that way," and they make corrections so that the people who come after me won't go through the same thing. That's not really selfish, and it's kind of a noble reason for existing, isn't it?

[pachyderm]

> my function in life might be for bad things to happen to. I'm the test model.



My mother always told us how selfish we were. We were children. What she meant was that we did not devote all our attention to her. She needed it, and we (the children) were supposed to supply it.

I understand it now. I didn't then. So being "selfish" is not the condemnation now that it was then, in my mind. You can be selfish.

[Perna]

I remember when I was just starting in therapy and had to call the private clinic (where you had to have a referral) as a therapist had told me to, to get an appointment and I was put on hold. I sat on hold for 10-15 minutes, perhaps more, and then the phone was disconnected and I didn't know what to do. So I called the original therapist and told her what had happened and her response was, "call them back".

I don't think, anymore, that people are deliberately being difficult with us when there are communication problems. I, being anxious, was worried the person would know it was me calling back and be angry with me or make fun of me or I don't know what. But I was getting myself too entangled in my own thinking. It was later "proven" to me that I was actually afraid because I was angry and anger scared me. It wasn't that they would be angry at me for calling back and "bugging" them or making them look bad or just calling them at all when they were obviously having a bad day :-) but the opposite; I called, and they didn't answer, put me on hold and didn't come back. How dare they?! It took a problem in group therapy a couple years later that my individual therapist solved with a mild, "I don't think they're out to get you." (I didn't realize that!) before I began to be able to keep myself out of my concrete, "official" transactions.

The therapist didn't just tell me to call them back, she got a bit angry "for" me that they'd screwed up the call. She actually wanted me to tell whoever answered when I called back that I had waited too long before and been disconnected, etc. She was a senior therapist in the agency so could do something about that and could understand the importance of a mental health agency not dropping calls :-) But I was having a difficult time calling in the first place, nevermind the second when I was sure the phone answerer would know it was "me" and start yelling like my stepmother would have. The therapist did get a bit "angry" that I had held patiently (like I was told to :-) for all that time. Actually, now that I think of it with a million years of therapy behind me, she wasn't angry with me, she was only telling me what she herself would have done, hung up after a "reasonable" time and called back and told them she'd been forgotten on hold.

So, Lovebird, why did you wait 5 months to call the agency back if you needed help? Whose job is it to get you help when you need it? :-) It's yours. If it takes fourteen times, it takes fourteen times. It takes fourteen times for everyone sometimes. Asking for help is asking for help. It's very rarely going to get the response we "wish" for. It doesn't when we go to the mechanic for help with our cars; it doesn't when we go to the doctor's and sit in crowded waiting rooms too long when we feel like stinky brown stuff; it doesn't when we need help with our money and hope bank or credit card will be on our side. People outside of us don't know what our idea of "help" is unless we tell them pretty specifically. "Gee, I could use a little help over here" isn't going to get people running to our side :-) If we don't even get an appointment to see someone to tell them what help we need, then we have no hope of help?

Everyone has to be their own advocate and that's especially difficult when we're depressed. It would be nice if people responded to us immediately but that can only happen, as you point out, when you're in crisis and there's blood everywhere :-) Otherwise, we have to decide what we need and get in the correct line, make the fourteen calls, etc. until it gets to be our turn.

[sassypants]

I use to feel this way, when I always had an illness.It
usually occurs once a year, if not more. I have seen so
many different doctors for various ailments. Then I wondered how come this has happened to me.Even when
I take care of myself. There is no special reason for me having to deal with all these different ailments.
This has taught me to be more assertive,and ask a lot of questions.
I am single, therefore I have to take care of me. I don't think it is selfish. It is a fact of life.
You have to take care of yourself first.

I know my shrink didn't believe how bad my (depression) was,until I broke down in tears. So, yes I have been judged. It is ironic that you are the first born ,so am I.

I usually say I'm the reject one, of course I am kidding.
Don't get me wrong, I am very,very, thankful for everything in
life. It can get worse.Sorry, I went on and on.I wish you the very best and hope everything works out.

[nowheretorun]

i was just thinking... at first i was just gonna say "it's the squeeky wheel, always getting the grease", but then i thought again... if you're squeeking.. why aren't you "getting the grease"?...

it made me think next of how somewhere in that long line at mental health, theres another, another "test module".. who waits in line behind you... waiting for their grease... i wonder if they've received it yet?

your story comprises an oft heard complaint re: the mental health care sytem... it's sistered in the v.a. benefits section of the military depts.; the overall health care system; homeless services; etc...

could it be a sad reality of the situation we're all in? so many needs, too few resources?

for me, when my needs aren't met by others, i try to supply my own demands whenever possible... beats waiting around for someone to notice me... although we all do appear to love being noticed don't we? i know i do... especially when i need it...

[Doh2007]

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time. The worst thing you could do right now is blame yourself.

The world needs people like you. You sound like you have a lot of insight.

[Fuzzybear]