Safe Place

So I did two things yesterday that I wasn't sure if I could do. First, I took my little sister to the fair with a few friends. My little sister isn't so little but she'd never been to the fair, so now she has (not a fan of rides it turns out ). Second, I actually went on a date. I have no intentions of anything serious but it's nice to casually see someone, I had a good time. I didn't think I'd like it, to be honest. I thought that I wouldn't be able to get over my ex, but I managed to keep my mind off of him.

So, I guess I've succeeded this weekend. I'm trying to look at more positives about myself and my life, so I decided to write this post versus a negative one (though I'm sure I'll need to vent again soon).

Thanks for everyone's words and hugs. This safe place is a good one, I appreciate you all being a part of it.

!! I’m so happy for you !!

"I hate you... and I love you. I can't help it. You're my mom." - Supernatural (12x22).

(((((Só leigheas)))))

Tonight's a hard one. I can't sleep and it's just past three in the morning, I'm not even tired. I was tired and going to sleep, but then my head got loud like it's been intermittently all day. I was feeling pretty alright today since I accomplished so much yesterday. But then I kept getting this intrusive thought telling me, "You're not better. Why are you pretending to be," and, "This is just denial. You'll crash again soon. That's all you do." That was during the day. Tonight my mind has travelled back to that dark place, the place where I can't help but think of death. My death mostly, but just death. Now it's gone from that topic over to.... I know this is a safe place. It's not that I'm a danger to myself, I can't work up the motivation to sit up straight, how the **** would I be able to do anything like that. I'm sitting on the porch of my friend's place at the moment, just listening to all the sounds the city has to offer. There isn't much to do right now. I could go on another walk to try and ease my mind. I just don't think it'll help. It didn't earlier. I guess being on the right meds doesn't mean that every symptom goes away. I should know that anyway. My head keeps telling me I'm in for a relapse, I don't know, maybe it's right. I can't stay functional for very long before something happens. Maybe at this point it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm setting myself up for failure. It's what I deserve for what I've done. More than that, it's the only way I know how to live. This life without it, I can't grow accustomed to. I don't fit in here. I never did anywhere.

Intrusive thoughts are the worst... I hope you'll be able to fight back.

You don’t deserve punishment.

You are learning a new way to live.

You can do it!

Thanks to a friend, I managed to get some sleep. The thoughts have come up again but I think I have a better handle on them.

Thanks, Bill

It's not real. None of it's real.

I need to shut up.

Truth begins in lies, if you're thinking it isn't real.

My nephew was just born Saturday and I could barely manage a smile. I can't feel happy and I can't feel deep sadness. My emotions are so limited they might as well not even be here. I also keep zoning out for minutes on end. I just get lost in thought and can't get out of it. This isn't new but it's gotten worse. I'm not sure I want to keep taking these meds.

I'm so good at acting, I even fool myself. I'm not happy, I'm not angry, I'm not even necessarily sad. I can still get anxious and that's about it. It's to the point where I'm purposely making myself anxious just to feel something. Meaningless sex, just to feel something. Hurting myself, just to feel something. Huh, I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe I am a psychopath.

You are the opposite of this--this seems apparent from hundreds of posts you have made (and I read).

I think you are confused, depressed and drugged. Some of the drugs may be necessary (I am not a doctor and am not qualified to know). I am sorry you are suffering so much.

You're not a psychopath.

Nowinners and Bill, you're probably right. I just feel as though I'm nothing.

I had what should be considered as good day. I went on that date successfully, I had a drawing session with my friends, then we went to the mall (even though I was shaking from anxiety, I didn't freak out), my friend and I were able to help out someone in desperate need and I went on a nice long drive tonight. Take those things into account and the day was good. I was emotionless almost, almost all day today. The numbness lifted some and I felt a huge wave of negative emotions. And now I'm back to being numb.

One step at the time, I feel like you're improving. I don't know if you agree with me, but keep it up

I understand your feelings. It seems like I haven't felt things emotionaly for a long time. I just wait for bed time, and hope the night lasts a long time, so I don't have to deal with the next day. But then the next day starts, and I can't wait for it to be time to go to bed. Does this make sense to you?

It does. Granted I can only ever get four hours of sleep and sometimes have nightmares (oddly enough I haven't had them since I lost the ability to feel). I'm just going through the motions until I don't have to pretend anymore. I'm sorry you experience this ((((katydid777))))

Everyone keeps telling me that, so it must be true. I guess it's just hard for me to see the light, you know?

I don't exactly feel anything either. But I have shallow emotions and I do look like a normal teenager at the surface level. I am making my friends laugh with the most random **** I say too, courtsey of the internet.

((((((( So leigheas )))))))