[3rd rock]

The prospect of having to return to work makes me feel like I'm living in my own coffin and digging my own grave.

Fairly active today. I took an hour's drive in the area where I'm staying. It was a nice drive but a gloomy day as it was drizzly. The foliage was nice to look at. I didn't sleep well last night because there was a lightning and thunderstorm; and it went on all night. There's a chance it's going to happen again tonight. After the drive I had other things that kept me busy.

I'm concerned about my friend. He's had some stomach upset for the last couple of days. I get very concerned about him because of his age. I hope he'll be alright.

I'm feeling more at home where I am now but still feel homesick and alone.

[Seafarer]

My shoulder has felt better today for the first time in 4 days.
Last week I ordered a book I have wanted for many years. It arrived today, in good condition, and I am enjoying reading it. I have read it before, it is one of my favorite books, and this is the edition I wanted that I never thought I would be able to find, or afford.

[kumy]

Today it's raining a lot. I have to go out, but the weather doesn't help me. My mood is crapt...

[SlumberKitty]

Today I feel pretty bad about myself. I had a pretty crappy therapy appointment yesterday with my Pastor. I really want to SH and dissociate and lay in bed and disappear.

I took a long drive to a destination and ended up very disappointed. I didn't stay at that destination very long because it looked unappealing to me. On the way to that destination, I was driving on highways that were desolate. Although very pretty with the foliage. It rained off and on and cold.

On the way to my destination on that desolate highway I almost hit and killed a turkey. I couldn't believe it. There were three turkeys just off of oncoming traffic and one of them flew off crossing my path. I slowed up and just brushed it's wings on the windshield. Thank goodness nothing happened!

I still feel homesick and weird at where I am now. But I am feeling a little bit better than before. It will all end this coming Saturday when I head back home. It's very difficult for a person with depression and anxiety to be in a strange place alone. Yet, that aloneness I have at home feels more comfortable, but it's still not the best feeling.

[SlumberKitty]

Depression is still hitting me pretty hard. I'm trying to watch my thoughts because I know my feelings can get me in trouble. I have T tonight. Hoping that will help. HUGS Kit

[bpcyclist]

I have been trying intentionally to be positive today and I actually feel pretty good. Which is unusual for this time of day (late afternoon here), when I almost always start descending into the blackness. Anyway, gonna try to keep the positive train going, if I can.

When I got up this morning I didn't have a plan to do something. But then I looked on a map and found an area that looked interesting to me. So I drove there. It didn't turn out the way I thought. It was nice but not as good as I had hoped. So I didn't stay long and headed back to where I stay. Also I had some slight stomach upset at the second half of driving, but felt fine when I got back. Had lunch on the road but it wasn't at a place that I had hoped for. It felt like an unproductive day but not totally. I will probably look back at it some day and thought that it was nice.

Still feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely. The three seem to go hand-and-hand. I had been doing some reading on depression with solo travelers. There were some good points to them, but I didn't care for the tips on how to overcome it. Too pat or generic.

I don't have anything planned for tomorrow but I may do laundry since the weather forecast is for rain and it will be almost time to leave. It should leave Friday, my last day here, completely open. And, wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to be nice on Friday! The one day since being here that's going to be nice is the last day!

[OliverB]

I am doing better.

[3rd rock]

Well, I had my appointment with the neurologist today. This was a follow-up after tests had been performed. Apparently I have a very small portion of a particular part of my brain that's shown up as very slightly brighter than it should on the MRI. The neurologist assured me that it was only slightly brighter. This isn't expected to be the cause of my recent seizure, and could in fact be resultant of it. I'm supposed to follow up again in a year and repeat the tests or something, and we'll see if anything's changed. She's not worried, however. I'm kind of freaking out because I'm wondering if it's the beginning of a tumour, and then I'll have to have chemo or something, and then I'll die at age 36 or something. I'm letting my thoughts get away with me. It doesn't help that I'm feeling particularly down lately. I don't know.

[SlumberKitty]

Depression is still hitting me really hard. I've been fighting my feelings with my thoughts but I am out of ammunition. I'm worn out. I have no more fight left in me. I surrender. The feelings are just too strong. Regular T helped some last night but I wasn't bolstered as much as I had hoped. I didn't feel as put back together as I would have liked after Monday's disastrous T session with Pastor T. I'm still feeling unstable. I made myself come to work today, I really wanted to take a mental health day, but I decided I had better not in case there was a time I felt even worse. I was hoping to get distracted from my feelings but that hasn't really happened. I'm just trying to make it through the day in one piece (without SH-ing). That is my goal today. HUGS to all, Kit

[Seafarer]

I told my cat I would only be out for about half an hour but when I got home I realized it had been more like a whole hour. I spent a lot on groceries but it's nice to know I've plenty in the house for now plus all that good exercise I got walking from store to store to store and home again.
Also I'm back on fluoxetine after about a month trying buspirone, which didn't help with my anxiety even though it didn't make me depressed as the supposedly anti-depressant fluoxetine had.
So all in all, today is having more ups than downs.

P.S.
I don't think my cat is watching the clock while I'm away! ^. .^

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Seafarer

P.S.
I don't think my cat is watching the clock while I'm away! ^. .^

I'm pretty sure mine just take a snooze when I'm gone.

Tomorrow is the last full day of my vacation. Saturday I will be making a long drive to the airport and then get back home.

So many emotions I'm dealing with today. From the start of this vacation, I felt like I had a long way to go. I worried that something bad could happen to me while I'm where I am now, far from home. And now I still feel that way even though it's about over. You'd think I would have gotten over that by now!

And now I'm thinking, when I get home, will I feel miserable? Will I miss this place that I've been staying in and wish to go back once I get home? I live in a big city (almost to the downtown of it) and where I am now is a very small town. It's been a hollow, lonely feeling being here and feel like something's missing. Yet the people here are friendlier than the people at where I live. Also the culture here is a lot more sane than where I live.

Today I did laundry in the morning because it was raining. In the afternoon I took a very nice walk on a trail that was just beautiful. Perhaps I have been feeling depressed because it's been cloudy, cold, and raining everyday since I've been here. Although no all-day rains.

[kumy]

I haven't been sleeping well this week. Yesterday, I didn't sleep at all. I'm really down today. Not sleeping makes me irritable and sensible.

I think I have secured an affordable, safe place to live. With roommates, but they seem sane. My studio was affordable but also a little too expensive at the same time. and this private room is only a little more expensive than the shared room I lived in when I first moved here. Meaning I will save more money each month. I don't know how street parking will be but they rotate a shared parking space, and it seems much safer at night.

Work sucks. Men don't look at me when they speak to each other. People take over my work. They have no confidence in me. I don't know if I can move up since I transferred to this company from a sister company and my previous boss was a gaslighting psychopath who may have destroyed my character to HR. I'm not sure how to ask HR what exactly they have heard about me without looking bad either. I think time will make people more confident in me. Though it's a mostly male environment, there are a few females here, unlike my old workplace. and people seem nicer. It's mainly the HR/old manager concern that I've just thought of now that's really worrying me. but now I think I know how to deal with bad workplace situations like that, it's good I got that bad experience out of the way early in my career. I just worry if that bad experience will stop me from progressing here?

I graduated from college almost two years ago now. I hope things start looking up soon.

[Sunflower123]

I’m feeling sad, lonely and depressed today. It might be SAD rearing it’s ugly head although it’s a tiny bit early for that.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm having lots of trouble with my depression. And today I am having lots of trouble with motivation. I have zero motivation. I managed to get myself to work, but I got up at 5 AM and laid in the lazy boy until 6:30 AM when I was like, I really have to get ready for work. Then we had an almost one hour board meeting this morning, when they should only be 5 to 10 minutes. That sucked the life out of me even more. My concentration has gone downhill. I read two chapters of a book Pastor T wants me to read last night and this morning I can't even remember it. I have to reread it. I'll probably have to reread it every day until the session day. That sucks. A friend invited me over tonight but I declined. I told her its my Mom's birthday weekend (which is true) and that we are celebrating (well, we aren't doing that until tomorrow). So she invited me over for next Friday night and I couldn't think of a reason to get out of that one so I hope I am feeling a bit better by then. I am really not up to socializing right now. HUGS all, Kit

This is the last day of being at home away from home. It had been nice all week except for the weather, but unfortunately my emotions (anxiety, worrying, depression, and feeling lonely) ruined it. If anyone one or anything ruined my time, in which it was for some of the time, it was all me! My emotions were the biggest cause of ruining my time here. But now I don't worry that something's going to happen to me since it's an inch away from being over.

But now I wonder how I will feel when I get back home. As of now I will be coming from a nice lake-side peaceful cabin with beautiful foliage to a downtown surrounded by high-rises and noise. Also I always dread going to work after being out for a while. I do like my job, it's just that coming back after being out is hard. But I've been through it before.

[Rose76]

I'm dragging myself through the day. Tired. I have no idea why. Slept enough last night.

I had a few days recently of doing very well. Then . . . it's like a pin got stuck in a balloon. Sudden, manor deflation. I'm not sad or unhappy. I just have zero energy.

Up or down, I have to feed my Sig. Other 3Xday. I can barely make myself pull a meal together.

Ironically, sort of, I saw a pdoc today. I see him every 3 months to get prescriptions for Ritalin. It's your 15 minute in and out deal. He barely knows me and isn't looking to delve into my psyche. That's okay by me. All I want is my script. I gave up on shrinks long ago. They can do you as much harm as good. But I asked this guy to order a thyroid test for me that I was overdue for. (My 15 minutes with him costs over $400.) He acted slightly put out. Well excuse the heck out of me. Sorry to burden you, Dude. I mean pdocs are supposed to care about thyroid function. He did put the order in.

Psychiatry seems to be filled with doctors who are basically bored with their jobs.

[kumy]

I think that today can be a good day...

I got to the airport and received some bad news. My flight had been canceled. The airline sent me an email but I didn't receive it because I was on the road to the airport. I got another flight but it will be at least six hours later when get home. I went into a panic when I got the news. And now I don't know if I want to travel ever again. On top of that I didn't sleep well last night. I hope I make it through this.

[Seafarer]

For the first time all day my shoulder isn't hurting. It was even hurting when I woke up this morning, which was unusual. I felt really bad when I woke up during the night, I think I've taken too many OTC pain relievers. Today I tried a rub-on ointment instead, and ice, but finally had to take some more ibuprofen. I've felt sort of sickish all day until now.

[Seafarer]

Originally Posted by kumy

I think that today can be a good day...

I hope it has been a good day for you.