[qwerty68]

I am really tired of me.

I am a horrible hideous thing, I doubt I am even human most days. I have no purpose, no reason to be. But I still wish I could be worth something.

I can't get help at the VA, all they want to do is give me drugs that have caused many issues, ranging from annoying to serious over the past 2 decades. I somehow qualify for medicaid but no one seems to take it around here, at least the few places that will actually respond don't. I tried the "Betterhelp" advertised here and I could afford 1-2 sessions a week but they said I am too screwed up for them.

I don't really have anyone to talk to, at least not in person. I can't even go out without getting laughter or dirty looks. I don't bother anyone so I am not sure why they even notice my worthless and ugly self.

Possible trigger:

I have a plan and I really should just finish it. No one will notice anyway. I am an idiot and for some reason want to try one more time to maybe have a life, as if that is even possible. Please tell me I need to die, I really just need a small nudge.

[skiguy18]

Please don't hurt yourself. I am sure you are a very good and nice person. Depression makes us not like ourselves- dont listen to it.

Please get immediate help -911- if you feel you are going down that road.

Hugs to you

[MtnTime2896]

You won't catch me saying that. You're my friend and I don't want to lose you. Keep talking, if it helps at all. You can get through this. I'll be here with you.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

I am really tired of me.

I am a horrible hideous thing, I doubt I am even human most days. I have no purpose, no reason to be. But I still wish I could be worth something.

I am sorry you feel this way but I can assure you, you are not horrible or hideous.

I can't get help at the VA, all they want to do is give me drugs that have caused many issues, ranging from annoying to serious over the past 2 decades. I somehow qualify for medicaid but no one seems to take it around here, at least the few places that will actually respond don't. I tried the "Betterhelp" advertised here and I could afford 1-2 sessions a week but they said I am too screwed up for them.

"drugs" is a wide, general term. Are you opposed to all medication or just certain ones? Have you had success with any? Do you think you have tried all the classes of drugs that would help? I do not know what better help is but did they actually tell you that you are too screwed up for them or is it just something you are inferring?

Possible trigger:

I have a plan and I really should just finish it. No one will notice anyway. I am an idiot and for some reason want to try one more time to maybe have a life, as if that is even possible. Please tell me I need to die, I really just need a small nudge.

You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I am sorry you feel this way but I can assure you, you are not horrible or hideous.

"drugs" is a wide, general term. Are you opposed to all medication or just certain ones? Have you had success with any? Do you think you have tried all the classes of drugs that would help? I do not know what better help is but did they actually tell you that you are too screwed up for them or is it just something you are inferring?

I can assure you I am worse than horrible and hideous. Have you ever approached someone and said hello and get laughed at or just ignored? That is me. How many not horrible people do you know that have been alone for close to 20 years?

I have had success with no psych med. The only class I have not tried is maoi's and I can not take them because of interactions with other meds I need to not be in massive pain every day and because of neuro issues, my GP and neurologist both said no. The pdocs don't care, they still wanted to try it. I have tried multiple meds in every other class and nothing has ever worked. I do have a long list of temporary and permanent side-effects to show for it.

The last med(geodon) I was on almost killed me causing extremely high prolactin and extremely low testosterone levels and I lost a dangerous amount of weight in just a few months. My pdoc did not care, he wanted to just push hormone replacement therapy, despite geodon not doing anything positive for me.

There is no help at the ER because all they would do is commit me and drug me.

They told me I am too screwed up: "We understand it takes a tremendous amount of courage to reach out and ask for help. Unfortunately, based on the answers given when you signed up, we determined that online counseling with BetterHelp may not be the best option for you."

You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

I am very alone because I am horrible. There are plenty of awful people that are not alone but I am. I could call and they could lie to me about understanding and not being alone and then they hang up and I am alone again. What is the point?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly, qwerty68 Just know that you're not horrible nor hideous. There are many wonderful people in this world that are unfortunately very lonely and have done nothing to deserve it - including some people here on PC. And I'm sure you're one of them. I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely, but please know that it's not your fault. I'm so sorry therapy or meds aren't working out for you. Please don't give up. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but they can get better. If it can help a bit... I'm here for you. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. We're here to listen to you, if you want to talk. I know it's not the same thing as having a support system IRL, but at least it's something. We won't give up on you. Please consider calling an hotline if it make you feel better, even for a little while. You can d this! You're strong, I know that. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless. (I've made a few attempts on my life myself over the years for my own reasons.) I wish I knew what I could write here that would make some real difference. Unfortunately I don't. All I can think of to say is that I hope, in some way, you will be able to find a pathway to healing & deep peace within...

[qwerty68]

Thank you and sorry for being an annoying pest and not a good person.

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Thank you and sorry for being an annoying pest and not a good person.

This is not what comes to mind for me when I read your posts.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're NOT an annoying pest, qwerty68! In fact, I think you're quite a wonderful person. I'm sure everyone on PC agrees with this. Try to avoid negative self-talk if you can. Every time it happens, try to find some distraction. What do you like to do in your free time? I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Remember that we all love you here. You won't be judged here. I'm here for you as well. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you

[qwerty68]

Why am I so unimportant to the point where my wishes do not matter?

"Your grand daughters birthday is coming up" Well, she is not so old where she will remember me in 2 years.

"Your grandkids love you and will miss you" Well, I love them also but they are better off without me.

"Your kids will be devastated". Well, that sucks but guess what? I will be gone regardless of any action or inaction of mine eventually. It won't matter.

Insert every other single guilt trip that just makes it clear that I don't matter in the slightest. So why stay????

So, I have to spend my days alone, with no purpose, no value and for what? So I can spend more miserable days alone? Really? I know I am freaking horrible, ugly, disgusting and completely without value. I learned that lesson yet again but that is not enough? When will it be enough?

My throat problem is getting worse and there is not a single ENT in the area that the VA can get to accept my case. The nearest VA ENT is 5 hours away and they refuse to see me also. Sometimes I have trouble breathing, sometimes drinking water is difficult but I guess I just need to live with it?

Not too mention all of the "incidental" things that CT scan found that point to serious but sadly not life-threatening things that my doctor won't do anything to help because they were not the point of the CT. I need to live with that also?

Of course there is the small matter of facing who knows how many more decades alone. 17 years and counting with potentially decades to go and no chance for even one friend I can do things with in person. It must be because I am so awesome and totally not hideous and I need to stick around for more of it.

I could have stayed in bed all day yesterday and today and not one thing would have changed. I can do the same tomorrow and the day after and nothing will change.

At some point it should be okay for me to call it. I live in a state where if I had terminal cancer I could end it with a lot of support. But because my mind is terminally sick I have to suffer with it alone? I will grant you that I deserve limitless pain, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it.

The worst thing is that all of this isn't quite enough motivation for me. Please push me.

[qwerty68]

How funny, I was typing this drivel up and my daughter who claims she loves me noticed the cuts on my arms. Cuts I did yesterday with her in the room and she didn't notice until now.

She says "Look at your arms, go to bed" and goes upstairs.

That is my value.

[qwerty68]

Every day this week I have hurt myself to avoid ending myself. I get yelled at because of it or rather because it is scaring my daughter and she is upset that I am treating her poorly when I don't say much of anything. She said "dad, what is wrong? You are scaring me. I am leaving to go to a friends party, go to bed".

Every single person who has told me they loved me, really doesn't seem to care at all. I think I am an honest person which is why I say the things I say about me, even though I get yelled at here for it. It is clearly true because I am being told how worthless I am through words of others or in some cases, silence or laughter.

Not that I am some poor victim. I have been a terrible friend to someone here this week and I am very sorry about that. I will make more effort to be a better friend for as long as I can. More proof that I deserve everything coming to me.

Don't worry about responding, I am just venting to help me get past my grand daughters birthday and wait for some documentation from the Army so I can complete my application for some veterans benefits. I am just trying to not be a burden on anyone, I know that is stupid but it is a habit I guess.

[MickeyCheeky]

We all love you here, qwerty68 You're a good friend to many, I'm sure of that. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Please don't give up. You're valuable. You deserve to live. Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need us. Feel free to vent here as much as as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say and won't judge you. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you