[sinking]

Today, since i got a flu, my third week in a row at work started.

its not so taken for granted. whether its for illness, recovering at the clinic, or holiday, im used at having at least 1-2 days off to break the continuity of work(weekend not included). 3 weeks in a row is a lot!

im trying to find a routine that will make living alone more bearable.
since PC is very important in my routine, im posting about it here.

i think, for mondays, it will be nice (coming from my parents home), to get my brioche at the same place. then at lunch break, i'll be going at the grocery store and at night, as every night at my flat, i'll be using white noise and i'll be coming here on PC.

today i was proud of myself for what i got at the grocery store and for cooking tonight. work was hard at the end of the day but i made it. i hope tomorrow will pass smoothly as today.

I'm proud of you too! You are being proactive in managing a new life that feels overwhelming. That is wonderful. Things tend often, to settle down too, once we've been doing them for a while. I just wanted to say that as a reminder as well. It won't always be unbearable. Yay you for taking care of yourself!

[sinking]

Thank you Ptak.

Today was a little harder then yesterday, especially when i realized i've made a mistake at work and when we make mistakes we pay a fine. we didnt get it yet, but i know it will come. it was discouraging, but i do my best and i try hard to keep focused all day. its hard, especially the last hour of the day. i try not to take anything personally and to keep calm with difficult people. but its SO hard.

i've found myself more relaxed the last 2 days. taking it easy, maybe because i feel better about having my flat, thanks to good exT. i dont know how, but He always gets to make me feel better. when i get home i dont have to talk, pretend or hear anyone breathing. sleeping alone means a lot to me (meaning i cant have a family but im good at enjoying my alone time).

Tomorrow i have T. and the whole afternoon free. i'll try to treasure it and relax so that i can face better the last 2 days at work for this week.

during the day i keep thinking about food. it has become my friend. the only thing that makes me feel better. eating what i want. i do plan anything i eat but it feels ok. im gaining weight and im not happy about it, i know its comfort eating, but i cant stop. i could, because nobodys watching me, but i cant. i hope i'll soon be able to.

also, i think of PC all day. im so happy its helping me so much. its almost like a new friend.

the neighbors are still bothering me but i try to overlook at the whole thing. looking at the positive instead of the negative. its also hard when they scream at night and wake me up in the morning, but i try to not let it bother me too much.

Thanks anyone for reading.

[Mopey]

Neighbors can indeed be the bane of existence, Sinking. One of mine decided she hated me because I wasn't willing to feed all the neighborhood feral cats out of my backyard. I like birds, what can I say? Also dislike having cat food around.

It's so good to see what you're doing for yourself and how you're trying. We all need encouragement, but in the end we have to do it for ourselves, it seems.

All the best!! ((((HUGS))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( hugs ))))))))

[sinking]

Forcing myself to create a routine, week after week, day after day, hour after hour, is helping me. i told this to T today. i think about it all day, seeing myself doing the next thing, all the time. she was pleased. even though she said its a bit obsessive. i feel im getting stronger thanks to this, but i know there is only a thin line between this and surrender.

Main thing for wednesdays, apart from T, is taking a shower. i know it may sound gross, but up to now i only showered 1-2 per week. i was scared of taking a shower at my house. i used to take it at my parents'. now i know i can do it, and i aim to taking it at least once a week at my house and once at my parents. the shower has a particular meaning to me. it reminds me how almost 3 years ago, i quit. today i created a new imagine of it in my mind. it was hard.

i also found out my neighbors come home at 5pm. meaning i have 3 hours with them. T said i cant live like this, dominated by them. she suggested i do something to the wall to diminish the noises or that i talk with the mom. i cant do that. i told T why. i cant stand asking for something, especially to strangers. it would make me feel as if i was asking something im not entitled to, something i dont deserve, something too big to ask. i would only ask not to scream at 6.30 am and wake me up. but the effort of talking with her is too big and i prefer to suck it up. she said i keep sucking it up until i collapse, but its a conscious choice. its ok with me if it happens. i cant do otherwise. not for now.

we also talked about my job. i told her im going to keep it full time. even if i could work less and still would get enough money to live on my own. and even though the last 30mins are dominated by anxiety. she said this too is a bit obsessive.

she asked about my parents and this was hard to admit: with my mom its ok and actually better than it ever was, but my dad doesnt want me at their home. he said it in a million different ways for a long time. when im there, he keeps saying "why arent you at your house?". i know he doesnt mean to hurt me, but he does. at least i have my mom and my cats there. i guess they are enough, or i wouldnt go there every weekend.

lastly we talked about food and how i feel empty after eating as i feel before. i also feel guilty afterwards because i could not eat (nobody is checking on me), but i do eat. i also eat a lot of junk food. its not good, but i cant help it. at least for now. i feel its a reward for surviving the day. or during the day, its helping me carrying on. also, its the only proof i have that shows me the positive of living alone. this was always my main wish. being free of eating what i want when i want it. now im free of doing this. it reminds me the positive of my current situation, instead of the negative. im trying hard to see the positive and reinforce these thoughts. i hope that with time, routine will be easier, more spontaneous and i wont have to eat all that im eating to feel a little better. to feel able to pass the day. i hope soon. or i'll keep the comfort eating until i give up. but i hope not.

Thanks anyone for reading

[sinking]

I forgot to say we also talked about vacations and what could i do with them. i said i only want to go at my parents and rest, while she made me think of possible travelling destinations. i came up with 3 but also with reasons i couldnt take all 3 trips.

maybe the most significant topic though was only breifly mentioned at the end of the session, but worth mentioning it here. my life has changed a lot since i met her, 3 years ago. im not sure its thanks to her but maybe a bit, yes. i did what i had to do (i believe we create the life we have planned, even if only subconsciously) and she gently accompained me with her presence. she did not do or say anything enlightening but she was there.

im not sure of where im going or what will happen yet, but i must admit my life has changed a lot. from being totally without control, having intrusive thoughts that made me crazy and attempting sui, to having a normal job and a flat and living on my own. these are big life changes. im not even sure i like them, (i kind of liked being so desperate and needy and followed by someone) but thats my life now. i must remind myself now im totally free of re-inventing and re-building my life as i want it to be.

[sinking]

So today went by smoothly. im SO glad. i needed less emotions/thoughts.

I've felt more connected to my coworkers. im glad for the people i've met at work. we actually dont exchange more than a few words during the whole day, but its nice to say hello to someone and having them say it back with a smile. i catch myself smiling too.

I took care of myself by taking the meds i needed and eating. Im trying so hard to do the right things. maybe its a bit obsessive (as my T pointed out) as i think about creating a routine and food all the time, but if it helps, i welcome it.

I've also worn my new jeans. i bought them yesterday before T. they helped me feeling better about myself, more cool even! (i was dressed better than my usual, and it happens so rarely!). thanks to those jeans, i've been feeling more "normal" and maybe a little thinner than i always look by wearing too big or worn out clothes. how can a pair of jeans change so in depth what i think about myself???
Yesterday, i was torn about whether to buy them or not. i REALLY hate spending money. i've been so used at having little money to spend that even now that i earn more, i think about it a million times before buying anything, even when i think about getting myself a hot tea, i usually wont get it (and not much because of the calories). But i guess this time, these jeans were worth it.

I keep thinking about good exT. last week's session really left a mark in me. not much happened and nothing over the top was said, but he always has a special grip on me. He's always able to really leave a mark. He makes me change from the Inside. Making me think about the positives, making me feel proud of myself, making me change from the inside out and making me FEEL better. I dont know how or why but He always gets to help me. maybe im putting Him again on a pedestal and at the same time im overlooking what my T has done and is doing, but what can i do? only He gets to really reach me. whatever anyone else does or says is never as important and of value as what He does or says. nobody else gets to touch me as He does. and this time, its like He gave me permission (and actually pushed me) to feel better about myself and my current situation. i cant help it! I could let myself go and surrender to desperation and disappointment and frustration, but at this moment its like i really cant. even if i wanted it.

so anyway. at work, only 1 day to go for this week! Finally!!! i hope it goes as today or even better. tonight, during the last hour i got a headache and my eyes were burning from staying all day on the computer. it happens almost every night. its so hard at the end of the day. but thinking that afterwards i'll get a pizza with my friend and i'll go at my parents' for the weekend is helping.

Thanks anyone for reading.

[Mopey]

By living alone, Sinking, do you mean that you moved out of your parents house into your own place?

[sinking]

Yes Mopey, i moved out of my parents' house and living alone in my flat now. it was a huge disapponitment until i forced myself to find and create something positive out of it. its taking all my energies. but its working.

its friday, FINALLY!!!! and im going out with my friend for a pizza. this is a good enough reward for passing the week. and afterwards im going at my parents' for the weekend. i live the whole week in apnea and i finally can breathe after friday's nights.

today was harder at work. i was scared and SO insecure from the beginning. im wondering if i can continue like this. im not making any progresses with time. i wonder if i can go on and keep this job. i dont really like it but it gives me enough to live on my own. i wish i could have an easier job. this one is SO hard. but i guess i dont really have a choice. i'll keep sucking it up.

im realizing more and more what a selfish bi*ch i am. even here. i hate it, i hate myslef for it, i could try and change, but what is driving me is a huge fear. fear that anything and/or anyone would destroy the balance im trying to find with a light blow. even only one (wrong) word could do that. im so scared. but for now, i prefer being a selfish bi*ch if that keeps me alive.

Thanks anyone for reading

[sinking]

I finally rested all day. slept 12+ hours with only 1 interruption and watched my favorite series all day. didnt have the strength to get out of bed much…
SO glad and thankful for days like this. at my parents' with quiet and calm. with my parents and my cats. of course i live for days like this one! hopefully tomorrow will be like today...

[sinking]

Today is last day of week #3. the weekend passed so fast. i dont want to go back to work tomorrow, but i have no choice. today was almost the same of yesterday. it passed smoothly and i got to eat lots of junk food. tomorrow Week #4 starts. only thinking about food helps me right now. i've asked for 1 day off at the end of april. i hope they'll give me the day off. so that i can have a long weekend at home.

Yesteday my friend told me about an announcement of selection. i should take an exam and if i pass it i could be called to work as a educator, but only as a replacement when other teachers are sick/on leave. it could make my life easier but also worse. in spite of having a psychology degree and having taken a course to become an educator, im not sure i want to work with kids anymore. i've had enough of that. not sure that working at the call center is better though. i dont know what to do. i really dont feel like doing anything at all, but i need at least to keep what i have to keep up with my new responsibilities. life is so hard. im trying so hard to keep going….